I should probably just skip the whole consumerism craziness that drives part of the “back to school” insanity in the United States. I’ll move right on to the overly dramatic social media pleas for sympathy because sending your tax deduction off to day-prison is “just so hard both physically and emotionally.”
First, shut up. It’s not that big of a deal to make sure you as a human gets another, smaller human to a set appointment down the street five days a week. People with jobs do this every day with little or no fanfare. Nobody feels sorry for you. We are judging you to be an unreliable person if needed in a pinch. If you can’t get a kid dressed and delivered to school by 7:30 without whining about it on Facebook, then you can’t be trusted with other adult tasks like basic car maintenance and paying bills. You’re just sucking up natural resources the useful people need.
Most of the year a parent has to get their kid to school. It’s nothing new. Hell, the schools will send a bus to your house because they aren’t confident that most of you can execute the transportation of your child a half mile to school on a consistent basis. There was a time, you know, when a kid was left to walk miles in inclement weather to obtain an education (no need to ask your grandfather about this, he’ll tell you all about it). If you can’t get that little snot machine covered in fabric and to the end of the driveway on time, then I have doubts about your qualifications as a parent. However, you’d be wonderful with cats.
The roughly two and half months the kids have off of school shouldn’t get you so off your game that altering your schedule an hour or three is worth bitching about on Twitter. Although, some of life’s natural alarm clocks have been removed in recent years. Back in the day you had to get the kids up early enough to get to McDonalds before they stopped serving breakfast. McDonalds now serves breakfast all day… pretty much no reason to rise before Judge Judy these days. And places like Starbucks cater to your inability to regulate your sleep/wake schedule with a plethora of menu options to satisfy a person in pajamas no matter what time of day it is. What I’m saying is that school wouldn’t be so hard to adjust to if you didn’t head into summer like Charlie Sheen falling off the wagon.
Let’s all be very honest with ourselves about the emotional strain of sending your kid off to school. It’s not like you’re sending a kid off to Afghanistan or helping him climb onto a boat to storm Normandy. You are leaving your kid in the care of a CPR certified, college educated person who has been through extensive background checks – not to mention a platoon of councilors, nurses, administrators and other staff all dedicated to caring for your child’s every need and diagnosing them with ADHD if they happen ask to go the bathroom without raising their hand. Your kid is going to be fine. And judging by your fragile emotional state over the extremely common practice of educating your child outside the home – your kid is probably better off having some time away each day.
I don’t want to see your tearful Facebook post about how your kid “growing up so fast.” Your kid is growing up at the exact same rate as every other person on Earth… save for those kids with the Benjamin Button disease – legit reason to whine on Facebook and you’ll get a “like” from me every time. If there’s some kind of issue with your child growing rapidly – stop feeding him for a few days. If you’re surprised that your child is aging in general – you need to pay more attention to your child. I clearly remember the day I stopped changing my daughter Gladys’s diapers. It’s not like she turned five one day and I was chasing her around the house with a wet wipe and pull-up confused as to why she didn’t want to put it on. If you don’t have the emotional maturity to handle the fact of nature that is aging, you probably shouldn’t have procreated. For God’s sake, stop stating facts of nature on Facebook as if they are Christ-like miracles. If you shove Kraft Mac and Cheese down Billy’s little saturated fat chute every day, Billy is going to grow. No need to state the obvious to us on Facebook along with your comments that make us question your sanity.
I think that should cover it. It’s school. It happens for 12 years in a row. You get a pass in year one. After that, you’re just being an asshole… so stop.