You can file Steve Jobs' ex-wife’s claim that he was phenomenal in the sack under the “you must be selling a f*cking book” tab. The myths and legends about Jobs grow as people continue to try and suck every last dollar out of his highly regarded corpse. Everybody is along for the ride and nobody seems to realize we’ve gone down this road so many times before.
I guess Jobs' sexual aptitude is really all we have left to discover. I mean, it’s rather well established that was an asshole. How many more asshole stories can be written about the guy before people stop paying for the privilege of reading about what a dick he was. You either step it up to the next level where he was straight up murdering underlings and feasting on their organs, or you’ve got nothing people don’t already know.
Orrrr…. You answer the questions we all ask about men who are richer than us – what’s he packing and what was his proficiency with it? I know it’s odd that we all wonder about that (and we all do, so don’t get all sanctimonious and act like you don’t want to know if Bill Gates performs better than Windows 8), but it’s a reality and this woman is in the rare position to tell us. Let’s just examine the Jobs’ world from where she stands.
So, you’re Steve Jobs’ ex-wife and that’s special and all, but you missed the boat. You’re the Pete Best of the computer world, which makes you kind of interesting in the “bet you could have put up with a lot more shit if you knew a billion bucks was coming to you” type of way. It all seems so petty looking back, but then again it’s hard to look back when your ex-husband’s gigantic mountain of f*cking money is blocking the way.
What are you, as his ex-wife from the time before he was cool or rich, going to tell people that they already don’t know about the guy? Not much. We know everything about him because everyone who knew him has already taken a direct shit on his legacy – and probably got paid to do it. Bottom line, if he didn’t beat you with a tire iron because you had a stupid idea, you’ve got nothing.
Oh wait, you’ve seen him naked? Now we’re talking. Nobody has told that story yet! Hell, I bet her entire book pitch was “you pay me lots of money and I’ll do a chapter on sex with Steve.” The publisher probably pulled out gold bars from his desk and just started flipping them into her purse at that point.
Of course, the publisher probably read her first draft and found out that a guy who is obsessed with computers who didn’t shower for weeks on end wasn’t all that great in the sack. That wasn’t going to fly with the publisher because the rest of the book is filled with usual Steve Jobs’ theme – he was an asshole. For him to be a failure in bed wouldn’t be a surprise – there’s a reason women don’t get all turned on by a guy sitting at a desk coding software. Introverted shut-ins don’t really give you the impression they’d have the sexual confidence in bed to please a woman. This fact poses a major problem for books sales in this case.
Are you going to buy a book where the excerpts lead you to believe that he was an obsessive asshole geek who was bad in bad? Nope. It has to be the opposite. You must get the impression that Jobs was an asshole computer genius who spent the moments he wasn’t stealing other people’s ideas inducing earthshaking orgasms in whatever hot chick was within his reach. If 50 Shades taught us anything it’s that there must be great sex even if there really is no story.
The publisher had his editors go in and turn Steve Jobs into a skinny, hairless version of John Holmes because that’s the hook he needs to get you to buy the book. There’s not anything about the other excerpts from the book that piques your interest. Reading about what it was like to bang Steve Jobs is what you are coming to see. Unfortunately, the publisher had to pull the typical Hollywood stunt and show you the best part of the story in the preview in order to get you in the door. I can guarantee you that the rest of the book is filled with more of the same Jobs’ crap you’ve already heard.
You’ll read the chapter about sex with Steve and somewhere in the back of your mind you’ll justify all of his behavior and all of the money you wasted on his sub-par products with the confidence that he was probably a pretty good lay (which he totally wasn’t).
Just a side note – the inverse expectation is always expected when the famous person was perceived by persona to be a sexual dynamo. So when Warren Beatty dies that one old flame who was late to the money trough will wake up a year later with the revelation that he had a tiny penis, cried after sex and like wearing her panties. That’s just how it works, people.