I've been on Facebook ever since some nerd across the hall from me at Harvard told me I should join his stupid website because it would piss off these twins I hated down the hall. My life has never been the same since and I'm sure yours hasn't been the same either since joining Facebook. Good or bad, it's there and it's full of people you had no idea were crazy...
Before Facebook you had roughly seven or eight friends you kept in any regular contact with (don't lie to yourself- regular means weekly and you didn't talk to 250 people weekly). After Facebook you have dozens, if not hundreds of "friends" who make sure you know what they are doing/thinking at all times. And calling them "friends" really stretches the definition of the word, right? I mean just because I had a few classes with you in high school and I'm now aware of your dog's fight against canine chicken pox via your 37 posts on it daily, doesn't mean we're "friends" - it means we know each other and I now know why we don't talk on the phone or vacation together.
I guess the real definition of "friends" on Facebook should be "people I have a history with." Even better "people I have a history with who might validate my life by 'liking' something I post." That's much more to the point. And it's much more on the topic of what I'm trying to get at here - the things people post.
There are probably hundreds of sites dedicated to funny Facebook posts. However, there aren't any sites dedicated to identifying the different types of Facebook users (commence posting link after link below proving me wrong and calling me names). That's where I come in.
I have categorized my "friends" by their Facebook MO. Feel free to add your own in the comments section below and don't forget to call me names while you're at it.
The Proud Pet Owner- Pictures of their family? No. Pictures of vacations? No. Picture of anything that isn't their pet doing something completely inane like laying on the couch? No. The proud pet owner thinks their animal is the most interesting, cutest, awesomest life form on earth and has made their Facebook page a shrine to said animal. It is essentially the dog or cat's Facebook page, not the human whose name graces the account. When it's not pictures, it's updates on the pet's present mood, most recent meal and their general likes and dislikes ("Muffy doesn't like rainy days"). It is likely the updates on their pet's life are much more interesting than the ones pertaining to themselves.
The Exerciser - "I just completed a 100 mile run in 20 minutes using Run Tracker." We get it - you are much more physically active/fit than the rest of us. There's no need to alert us every time you burn a calorie, but the exerciser will just in case you forgot that they're awesome and wear spandex the majority of the time. The Exerciser is one of more annoying types of posters in the vanity category.
The Foodie - Another vanity driven Facebook poster. They're eating better food, at better places than you are. Their page is filled with their latest culinary adventure that nobody cares to hear about. So you had the "most incredible Pad Thai in Peoria" - why do I care? You're in Peoria and Pad Thai isn't going to fix that.
The Causer - Today it's kids with cancer, tomorrow it's rescuing retired racing turtles and next week it will be orphans, soldiers and a missing child. Their page is a constant reminder that the world sucks and if you'd only just "like" their post on the latest calamity you could change it all. Your approval of their cause on Facebook is all that's needed to solve world hunger, I promise.
The Hobbyist - These folks only update their progress on their projects or activities. Pictures of the car being restored in stages or updates on their standing in the Wednesday night dart league. When a mutual friend asks how they are doing, you can only answer with a summation of the progress they've made on their new model train as meticulously noted on their Facebook page.
The Preacher - Depending on where you're from, the number of "preachers" on your friends list will vary. If you're from the South your Facebook page is just one long list of Biblical quotes and Jesus talk. Women you've seen drink a fifth of whiskey, punch a stranger in the face and make out with an entire fraternity before a college football game are messengers of the Lord's word once you catch back up with them in their thirties. You see lots of "God has a plan" from these people and you have to ask - why does God's plan include these people annoying the shit of me on Facebook?
The Traveler - Pure vanity drives these infrequent posters. They don't have much to say about anything until they check in from Hong Kong or post a picture of them swimming with Dolphins at some amazing beach resort in a place you can't find on a map. Facebook is just a little place they go to remind people that they're better than everyone else.
Happy Birthday People - Their only function on Facebook is to wish others a "Happy Birthday." They don't really do anything else with their profile than hand out the day's birthday wishes. They use Facebook birthday tracking technology to fuel their birthday wish giving. It's unlikely they'd know anyone's birthday without it. This Facebook user does fall into the vanity category because their obsession is some kind of weird cry for attention.
The Blogger - This would be me. Nobody wants to read their stupid blog, so they put links to their sad attempt at writing fame on their Facebook page hoping someone will feel sorry for them and follow the link. Their mother "likes" it and even she didn't read the crap on the blog because even though she loves you... you can't write. When The Blogger leaves his Facebook account open on the home computer his wife deletes all the posts because she's tired of explaining to her friends that you are not retarded, just slower than most.
The Sports Fan - He has nothing to share with the world other than his thoughts on his favorite sports team and articles featuring thoughts and news on his favorite sports team. Game day posts on Facebook read like someone going mad. As the day wears on and his team begins to lose and eventually loses, he goes from jovial and hopeful to angry and combative - calling for the firing of everyone on the team and the burning of their homes (and much worse). These guys end up deleting a lot of posts the morning after.
The Merchant - Confuses Facebook with eBay. They are constantly letting you know what they have for sale (two boys bikes, hardly used - almost free to a good home) or what they're looking to buy (need a used car seat for a kid weighing more than 30 lbs.).
The Parent - Their profile picture is a picture of their kids. In fact every picture on their Facebook page is a picture of their kids. Every update is an update pertaining to their kids. They love sharing articles on parenting and posting comic strip style pictures of obvious, worn out parent jokes. You get the impression that the Parent Club is the only club they've ever been accepted into and they're going to wear it out for all of us.
The Bitter Single Parent - Similar to The Parent above, but prone to passive aggressive status updates. Ruins your posting of family photos by commenting "must be nice."
The Drinker - He or she "likes" happy hour - every day. They "like" every single product containing alcohol on Facebook including mouthwash. Photographs of glasses of wine, beer and cocktails show up on Facebook almost daily. They post epic status updates that read "so we24j my beres ashole44" and leave them up until they sober up often blaming "hackers" for the nonsense that appears on their account between the hours of 5:00 p.m. and 4:00 a.m. The real comedy comes when they're actually "friends" with their parents and they leave concerned comments on their photos for everyone to read - "will you call me so we can talk about the choices you are making - mom."
The Nostalgic - These people spend all their time digging up old photos and posting them on their Facebook page. They're simply just digitizing all their old photo albums and sharing each one with their friends on Facebook. They remind you of just how good people were with cameras in the days when taking a single photo actually cost you money. You also realize that people were doing nothing of interest in photos 30 year ago, which is just like today.
The Lurker (Male) - He's on Facebook, but he's not really on Facebook. Never posts status updates or checks in anywhere. He has an extremely limited collection of pictures of himself on Facebook that are viewable by the public. Relationship status, job, location and just about all the other pertinent information about him is blank. He's not some creep you don't know. No, he's the guy you dated in college for a bit who you hear is now married with a couple kids. He "friends" you and sends private messages to you that seem innocent if you don't read into them too much. Drops hints about how things used to be when you were together. Savvy women know he's angling for sex and has setup his entire profile just to chat with his old flames and not scare them off with pics of his wife and kids. His angle is simple - we did it before, why not do it again? Just for old time sake.
The Lurker (Female) - Unlike the male version, these women are not looking for sex. Much like the men, though, their profiles lack a lot of detail and they rarely post anything other than a happy birthday wish or comment on the occasional photo of a family member. These bitches "friend" others on Facebook so they can gather intel on them and talk shit about them in person to mutual friends. If you called in sick to work and they see you posted a photo from the pool that day, they'll be sure to make note of it and make some shitty comment about it to a person you'd rather not have that information. If you missed a party and were somewhere else and leave Facebook evidence of it - they'll be sure to bring it up to the party's host next time she sees her. The Female Lurker is an awful person.
Did I miss anyone? Let me know below or at firstname.lastname@example.org!