Every week we bring you a type of person we all hate. Feel free to suggest a type of person you think we should hate by emailing email@example.com.
We hate - Sports Expert Guy
The "Sports Expert Guy" is not the guy who knows so much about sports he can tell you what happens in a Division II football game when the score is tied after three overtime periods (probably the same as in Division I). Nor is he the guy who can remember who won the World Series in 1985 (unbelievably it was the Royals). Nope, he's much worse.
"Sports Expert Guy" is a guy who doesn't have a job in professional sports, but probably should since he's an expert on all things sports - ALL THINGS! Water cooler football conversation around this guy is a one way ticket to Shootmeville via the Killmenow Expressway. He can suck the fun out any conversation and then belabor the fun sucking point for as long as it takes to convince himself that he's convinced you that he knows more about sports than anyone else on earth.
I'd like to provide an example of how "Sports Expert Guy" sounds, but first....
Because "Sports Expert Guy" has no ability to self-evaluate and might also be reading this post... What I'm about to write next is in no way near factually correct and shouldn't be taken as so. It's an instance of hyperbole used here to illustrate what an asshole "Sports Expert Guy" is (possibly you, but you don't know it, which is why this quasi disclaimer is needed). However, if you choose to ignore my warning, there's always the comments section below to prove what an unaware asshole you really are - so comment away if you feel the need "Sports Expert Guy."
"Sports Expert Guy" will say "If the Skins had only traded up for a second round pick in '07 and taken a linebacker and put the aging Thomas on waivers and then followed that up in '08 with a first or second round corner back pick they might not be stuck in neutral in 2012 - what a bunch of idiots. They had three of the top four defensive players lined up in the draft in rounds two, three and five and blew it by trading away the third spot for a chance to get a questionable receiver in the third. It was like they want to lose. This year they need to trade up, take Larson in the first and see if they can't deal him for two second round picks and take that guard from Ole Miss and that tackle out of USC - they'd be idiots if they didn't. It's so obvious what they need to be doing, why they care to take a quarterback this year is beyond me. Wait until next year when there's bound to be a big group of quality quarterbacks that will last until later rounds."
Well, shit. That was easy. I guess all those highly paid experts with years of NFL draft experience could learn something from my office's "Accounts Receivable Clerk" - who, by the way, won his fantasy football league again last year.
You might also notice that "Sports Expert Guy" also has opinions on the minutia of sports strategy that not even the no-necks on five hour pre-game shows care to get into. He knows exactly how the Nats should structure their lineup and when the infield should shift to compensate for Strasburg's more frequent use of an off-speed pitch when he's behind in the count.
"Sports Expert Guy" has it all figured out and everybody else is a complete idiot when it comes to who should be playing and how they should play. The greatest football mind on earth sits in a cubicle thirteen feet from me and eats his lunch from a tupperware container. Who knew?
Poor "Sports Expert Guy" really thinks he's a football genius, but the only thing he's actually good at is sucking the fun out of talking about how shitty your favorite team is on Monday.