Every week we do you a favor a weed out the very few high points of Washington's hippest half-assed weekly.
Cover
Chef Mike Isabella - has tats and is a chef, if he rode a "fixie" he'd be the City Paper's "Man of the Century." Headline gives us the impression he's busy and you're about to find out just how much so.
Chatter
The weekly ink lashing the Washington Paper subjects it authors to was pretty bad in this edition. Commenters on washingtoncitypaper.com pointed out the obvious for the hapless author of last week's cover story "Campus Planning." The general tone of the comments are akin to someone criticising an article about Superman by stating "you really should have included Superman's alias Clark Kent and that he can fly."
The author, Shani Hilton (because that's the only kind of name you're allowed to have if you want to write for the hipster weekly), wrote about residents living near DC college campuses being displeased with the actions of the average college kid. What she forgot to explore was the "Plymouth Rock landed on me" side of the story and she got a little spanking for it in print.
Worth reading...
Best of DC
It's that time of year again! Or is it always that time of year when it comes to pimping the "Best of" issue?
The categories are listed and now it's a race for those restaurants, gyms, massage parlors, theater companies (are you serious?) and just about any other type of group or business you can think of to see who can get the most people to nominate/vote for them. It's really a contest of marketing, not who is actually good at what they do. Go HERE if you'd like to participate.
One of these days someone will do an article on how social media has changed these poll results. Are you a shitty salon, but Facebook and Twitter savvy? You could win "Best of DC."
District Line
Poor people problems... DC city council problems... DC city council challenger problems...
The Straight Dope
Another day, another question Google could have answered in seconds.
Savage Love
What problems did people invent this week in order to see themselves in print?
You have a question about potty love. A straight teenager who needs to learn about the games women play. And the column closes with the dumbest man on earth falling for the oldest trick in the book - put a ring on it and I'll....
Savage closes by encouraging you to do something to Mormons that they do to the deceased that he doesn't like. Nowhere does Savage see the irony in his call to mimic something he abhors. There's nothing like stopping senseless beatings by encouraging more senseless beatings.
Cover Story
Not Stop Chef by Chris Shott
Mr. Shott goes a long way to tell you the following.
Mike Isabella was on Top Chef and currently has one restaurant in DC - Graffiato.
Isabella is very busy.
Isabella is opening a taco restaurant in Georgetown.
Isabella is very busy.
Isabella hates Mariachi music and thinks it's pretty much the only kind of music Mexicans listen to (if the same utterances were made by a guy named "Smith" LULAC would already be roasting his carcass over a social outrage fire - by the way).
Isabella is very busy.
Isabella is gaining inspiration for his Mexican food joint in Pennsylvania and other cities where nobody in their right mind would go to find inspiration for Mexican food - including Miami where he doesn't seem to know the difference between Cubans and Mexicans. Ask either group what the differences between them are and you'll hear there are many.
Isabella is very busy.
There are pictures featuring dishes that look like traditional Mexican staples but many times smaller. It's as if someone made a regular taco and then used the laser from Honey, I Shrunk the Kidsto miniaturize it. You get the impression that Isabella is going to rif on the Mexican concept of "lots of food for not a lot a money" by charging a lot of money for very little food. At this point in the article, anyone from West of the Mississippi is giggling at this concept almost uncontrollably. A responsible journalist would have stopped the interview at the point and said "you don't get it, do you?"
Isabella is very busy.
Isabella worked for the famous Jose Andres at Zaytinya.
Isabella is very busy.
Isabella was on TV - it has made getting investors easier than being a nobody that nobody knows or cares about.
Isabella is very busy.
Isabella is infinitely more successful than Spike Mendelsohn because he's opening up more places faster.
Isabella is very busy.
Isabella has a scooter.
Isabella is very busy.
Author gets quote from two hags whose culinary experience is summed up with "Top Chef fan." Follows that with a quote from a guy who takes a shot at the cupcake trend.
Story ends.
DC Feed
There's a feature story on a chef who was once a nominee for an award, but now doesn't get along with anyone so she's doing random sittings in random places and the City Paper thinks that is totally awesome. The only bad part - you're not invited. So... they told you about a person who cooks for other people, but never for you. Glad they wasted space with that.
CP Arts
The main review in this section is incredibly boring. It's about 2,000 words too long. If you care, it's a review of a crime novelist from DC who was a DC cop, but doesn't write about actual crimes and events that took place during his career. There's also a biographical part to the story that is filled with mildly interesting run-ins with mildly famous people from a very long time ago.
Theater - A simple review of the sci-fi yawner (nothing says sci-fi like the absence of special effects live theater offers) named Astro Boy and the God of Comics. Not only does the author literally give you a play by play of the entire plot, he injects a spoiler into the second paragraph. Who needs to pay to see a play when the guy reviewing it spoils it in 50 words! Amateur on a level that embarrasses amateurs.
The other two theater reviews cover plays so unwatchable it was painful to try and read a review of them. But what do you expect? It's the City Paper.
The film section reviews Bullhead and despite a very well written, interest piquing review, the author pans the movie.
Music - uninteresting banter about the local band, The Tender Thrill.
City List
Guess what - like 500 nobodies are coming to town to entertain us in the near future and approximately six somebodies will stop by too. The ads are where the information is at.
State Theater - I almost recognize three acts they're advertising... not good.
9:30 Club - meh... Quantity, not quality.
Merriweather Post Pavilion - Your goofy uncle's place -Beach Boys, Night Ranger and Cinderella with Ratt and Queensryche all coming soon.
The Fillmore - who are these people?
Warner Theatre - entertainment for the white and over-employed with Monty Python's Spamalot coming soon.
Black Cat - shit your maladjusted little brother likes mixed in with an "80s dance party" to kickoff March (I highly recommend).
DC9 - who?
Rock and Roll Hotel - don't forget your skinny jeans.
Classifieds
Your usual competition to see how many different ways you can say "happy ending" without saying "happy ending."
This week's comic strips is worse than usual, which is saying a lot.
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See you next week.
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