I figured I would help all of you folks headed out to the bar to see the games identify the fans of the top four seeds in each division. Not everyone is wearing a jersey or their team's colors, so you need other identifying factors. Feel free to add your thoughts in the comments section.
University of Kentucky – Only has two things to live for and can only afford to attend one of them – Kentucky basketball and the Kentucky Derby. Gets angry when you confuse them with Kansas. Stuck in middle management for life. Knows there’s no difference between bourbon and whiskey, but is highly offended if you confuse the two. Insane fixation with Louisville.
Duke – Drives a BMW or “Beamer.” Is referred to by everyone as “that prick.” Is almost always a lawyer… a patent lawyer, unfortunately. Knows a lot about Lacrosse, likes to share that knowledge, unfortunately. Good with money, bad with women.
Baylor – Comes off as a Christian frat boy. Would make Larry Flynt blush with some of the shit he’s done with Baylor co-eds. Doesn’t appreciate jokes about Branch Davidians.
Indiana – Pale like Larry Byrd. Wholeheartedly believes “Hoosiers” was a documentary. A solid guy who never says “no” when you ask him to pick you up from the airport – even when it’s BWI.
Syracuse – The only fans Donovan McNabb have left (see next sentence). Highly delusional. Secretly angry about the geographic location of their school. White, male and listens to rap – exclusively.
Ohio State – Completely unaware they have a basketball team. Answers every question with “Urban Meyer.” Questions every answer with “Urban Meyer.” Likely to clarify proper nouns by putting the word “the” in front of them when it is not needed for clarification.
Florida State University – The smarter, less sexed version of a University of Florida grad. Often addressed as “Boss” by Gator grads.
Wisconsin – Claims to be from Michigan except for when the Packers are winning. Wants to live in Chicago when they grow up.
Michigan State – Declares the Big 10 “a major conference” without cracking a smile. Often dazzles mixed company with Interstate 69 jokes. Has an Interstate 69 road sign prominently displayed in their living room. Has children under ten who get the joke.
Mizzou – Knows the significance of Jefferson City. Is often upset they are mistaken for Steelers or Michigan fans when in school colors. Too nice to say anything, though.
Marquette – As far as I know there are only eleven people who attend this school and they are on the basketball team. These grads are like those NFL players who say the name of the high school they went to instead of the college they attended because they’re either embarrassed or mad… or both.
Louisville – The guy usually being screamed at by a drunk Kentucky fan for what appears to be no reason. Not often spotted outside of Louisville proper.
University of North Carolina – Plays organized basketball well into his 40s. Genuinely unhappy with Hip Hop’s love affair with their school colors. Secretly wishes they made the kind of money Duke grads make.
Kansas – Befuddled by large crowds and modern electronic devices. Not sure where Kentucky is, but tired of being mistaken for them. Still delighted their state was mentioned in “The Wizard of Oz.”
Georgetown – The only person in the bar watching the game and reading “The Economist.” Uses geopolitical references when touting the Hoyas strengths and weaknesses. Has a really great story about a wild night at The Guards.
Michigan – Answers any criticism of their school’s athletic program with “at least we’re not Michigan State.” Will tell you about the time he no-showed for a date with a hot chick because she was a Notre Dame grad. Doesn’t find Desmond Howard jokes funny. “Fab Five” cracks will get you punched.