Brad Kanus

People We Love - Uber DC... again

I have to write another great review of Uber DC because they did another awesome thing. 

Last week when we had that Wednesday downpour the city turned into a mess.  You couldn't get anywhere because it rained and we all know that cars don't drive in the rain.  OR... people are stupid and should have their licenses taken away because they can't drive in the rain.  You pick.

I was in the Court House area and needed a ride to Cleveland Park (I can't explain why I would ever need to be in Cleveland Park, but I was there twice in one week).  I opened my Uber app, hit the little "pick my butt up" button and set about dreaming of the awesome car I was going to be riding around in. 

About three minutes after the app told me that I had a guy headed to my location and it would take about twelve minutes, I got a call.  It was the driver.  He was very apologetic when he told me that he turned onto some street in DC and it was the world's biggest traffic jam.  He wasn't going to be able to pick up in the promised time and asked that I cancel the pickup (at no charge to me) and get another car.  I obliged, but not before I asked him what he was driving.  He was in a Town Car.  Nice, but not the 550 I've been after for the past couple of weeks.  I would have waited for the 550 and made sure to have him drive me past all my exgirlfriend's houses because that's how lame I am (don't judge, just appreciate the fact that I try).

I quickly canceled him and requested another car - started dreaming process over again. 

My new driver just happened to be around the corner and ready to go.  He was there even before the first driver's promised time.  The car was not a 550 or a stretched Ford Super Duty (not that they have one of those for Uber DC, but it would be awesome if they did).  It was another semi-stretched Town Car thingy with everything in it but a PS3 (women have no Idea what that is, but every single dude reading this does), and I'm not sure he didn't have it somewhere hidden out of sight.  The car had a table, wifi, extraphone, water, mints, seventeen feet of leg room and the guy driving looked like he could probably kick Van Damme's ass.  Check that - for the purposes of this story, he DID kick Van Damme's ass.

The bottom line is that Uber worked great - again.  There could have been a problem, but the first driver solved it before it became one.  You can't beat that service. 

I also sent the email below when Alex from Uber asked why I had rated another driver so low (I didn't mean to and you'll see why).  The driver's name was "Tan" because literally only Alex at Uber has a name you've heard of before. 

Alex,  

Tan could have picked me up in disco spaceship with Jesus Christ riding shotgun and I wouldn't have noticed. 

You see, I was severely over-served at a bar last night.  Tan did a great job under the circumstances.  I was probably not speaking a known language at the time he picked us up.  I awoke in my own house with everything  I began the night with still on my body, so that was awesome.

Bottom line - I don't know where to rate these guys otherwise he would have gotten 15 out of a possible 5 stars from me.

Hope this helps

Alex at Uber is awesome for playing along.  However, don't just randomly email Alex with stupid questions - that would result in him having less time to answer my random, stupid questions that I send an almost hourly basis. 

Remember - if you have a question on your bill, just reply to the email sent to you with your question and they'll help you out.  Do not be like me and be a dick because things didn't go your way - Uber will make it right and you'll feel bad for yelling at Alex. 

Uber right now and double your K-Street cred!  Or Uber later and pretend I didn't write "K-Street cred" like it was something very clever I came up with.

Metro's "Rush Plus" is simply more cowbell

The Washington Metropolitan Area Transit Authority (WMATA) did its best to explain its upcoming "Rush Plus" program in a way nobody could understand.  Luckily I speak stupid and figured out what they were trying to tell us.  Too bad it won't work and will likely just make things worse.  Here's why.

The basic premise of "Rush Plus" is simple - add trains during rush hour on certain lines.  That would be an awesome idea if it were a solution to the actual problem - which it is not.  Well, at least from the standpoint of an Orange-Liner like me.  You Blue Line/Yellow Line Alexandria people may have a different view, but you don't count because you live in Alexandria. 

I travel the metro every day.  Not by choice, but out of necessity.  My wife decided that she would drive the family car to work and that I should shut up and figure out a way to get to work that doesn't interfere with her and her life.  So, I did what I was told because the ramifications for talking back or not obeying her orders are so terrible I dare not write them in a public forum. 

anywho...

So, I get on at Court House five days a week.  I have never been left thinking "you know what... we need more trains on the Orange Line."  However, I do often think "somebody needs to tell these f*cking idiots that this isn't the last train of the day." 

I admit - there are some very crowded trains on the Orange Line. And right behind those trains are very empty ones.  The problem isn't the distribution of trains, it's the distribution of people.

I'm willing to bet the people who complain about there not being enough trains on the Orange Line are the same people who sprint from the first step of the first escalator entering the metro station all the way down to the platform and wedge themselves on the train like it's the last one ever leaving that station before the communists capture the city and enslave everyone.  Their lack of patience and inability to understand how shit works leads to them gaining the wrong impression about how well the metro system does, or does not work. 

How many times have you been on the platform when an eight car sardine can arrives and you decide not to get on that train?  If you answered that question with any number other than zero, then you know what usually happens next - an empty train pulls up next and you ride to work without banging a stranger with your clothes on.  It's an amazing thing and you should try it if you haven't.

I would say that three times a week in the mornings I let one train go by before I get on.  The little scoreboard about half way down the track tells me that there's a train either sitting in the tunnel behind the packed one I'm letting pass or one that is two to three minutes out.  It's a handy dandy little bit of knowledge to have when you're trying to decide whether to have a shitty trip to work or a nice one.  Can you imagine if everyone was smart enough to use the scoreboard and realize they don't have to crowd onto the current train in order to get to work?  What a wonderful world that would be.

The problem with overcrowded trains isn't just the discomfort and subsequent complaints that go along with that discomfort.  It's the inevitable off-loading of the train due to some asshole blocking a door and in turn breaking it.  The bottom line is simple - overcrowded trains lead to broken doors and major delays.  It's not like an empty train ever has to be off-loaded for a door problem.  It's always the super crowded ones and when they get off of the train they jam up an entire metro station and it takes several trains to clear the mess.  And that's if the same morons don't overcrowd another train and break the doors on that one too.  It's a circle of stupid.

If WMATA adds trains to the Orange Line they're not going to cure the problem of all the morons crowding trains.  What will happen is that all those new trains will be sitting in the tunnel between Court House and Roslyn waiting for Blue Line trains to "crossover."  It happens to me three or four times a week now whether I'm on the train at 7:30 a.m. or 8:45 a.m.  The daily delays on the Orange Line are the Blue Line "crossovers" that take place at random times.  Shooting more Orange Line trains into that mess isn't going fix a damn thing, it's going to make it worse.

Here's the solution WMATA should be implementing for the summer season...

WMATA needs to hire about 100 Wal-Mart greeters.  They need to train them on a very simple concept I'll talk about in a minute.  Then they need to deploy them to the Orange Line platforms starting in Falls Church and ending in Roslyn.  They'll work only during rush hour. 

Why Wal-Mart greeters?  Good question - I'm glad you asked.  They're old, friendly and really don't mind talking to anyone.  It doesn't matter if you want to talk to them or not, they'll talk to you.  Since they're old, you're not inclined to be mean to them.  In fact, you'll actually listen a little bit hoping they either quickly feel acknowledged and shut up or die.  I'm just kidding - you don't care if they feel acknowledged. 

No matter what, these greeters can not be current WMATA employees.  They're not "people persons" by any stretch of the imagination.  Want to get called a "mother f*cker" by a stranger?  Just ask that person sitting in the booth of any metro station a question and your wish will be granted.  Now you understand why these people must be from Wal-Mart.

What are they going to say?  Another good question - I'm glad you've been paying attention.  They're going to tell assholes who crowd trains that they have the option of waiting just a few minutes for another reliable train that is significantly less crowded.  Since they're old and seen as wise, some of these dipshits might actually listen.  I'm willing to bet that even if a quarter of the overcrowders listen it will have a significant impact on commute times and commute comfort. 

I'm also willing to bet that once some of these idiots let a train pass one time and find out it's not the end of the world, but a rather comfortable ride to work instead - they'll be hooked for life.  Hell, they might even let empty weekend trains pass just to try out their new patience pants. 

The greeters can also help the packs of tourists who are too stupid to know what's going on travel the metro system.  They have no idea how any of this works and that's why they are the top contributors to broken doors.  Having the greeter there to pull them aside and advise them on metro etiquette and the fact that there's no need to pack their smelly sunburned asses onto a train full of strangers when there's a nearly empty one a minute away.  It will do wonders for limiting the shit tourists cause on the metro.  Although, a flat out ban on tourists on the metro would be a better option for the long term.

The best part of my solution is that it is cheap to execute.  These people are only working a couple hours a day and most of them are so old they think a couple bucks an hour is a deal.  Hell, half of them will work for free if you give them some kind of vest to wear and permission to talk (pester) anyone they please.  Hand them some stickers to pass out to kids and few bottles of Ensure and you've got a team you can put on the field five days a week.  Don't worry about bathrooms, they wear diapers and were only talking about a couple of hours here so they should be fine.

Tell me this isn't an awesome idea.  We could start a program where you get a break on metro fares if you sign up and ship in your grandparent for greeter duty during the summer.  That's a win-win situation if I ever saw one. 

Make sure you pass this on to your favorite metro official - if you have one.  Don't mention it to the guy in the little booth - he'll say things to you that might make you cry and I don't want you blaming me for that.

If we work together we can make this happen.  Don't let me down.

People We Love - American Airlines

I know - it's an airline and I'm poised to say something positive about them... crazier things have never happened. 

Most of us dread traveling during the times when most people travel - holidays.  Add a 21-month-old poop and snot machine to the mix and it's even more miserable.  If the people working for the airlines and the TSA aren't firing on all cylinders, it's unbearable.  Thank God the folks at American Airlines brought their A-game yesterday.

When we walked into the airport to start our journey on Memorial Day it was looking pretty bad.  The check-in kiosk system was doing an awesome job of baffling the once-a-year flyers who stared at the screens as if they never seen an electronic device in their entire life.  Our kid was anxious to get out of the stroller and go run around - something that is vital to ensuring an in-flight nappy poo (shut up, that's what we call it and I'm no less of a man for repeating it).  The ticket agent standing at the ready for first class passengers immediately waved us over and took care of us.  He could see the future and decided that a screaming baby, angry wife and a pissed off dad weren't going to be great additions to an already stressed crowd of travelers. He ticket agent also gave us a tip on what elevators to use to get ahead in the security line.  He was right, it was painless - I was ready to name my next child after him. 

Once we got to our gate we had to get our seat assignments (we had made a last minute flight change over the phone).  The gate agent had them ready, pointed us to the boarding area (where the oldest man in the world was being pre-boarded) and told us to get on the plane and get comfortable. 

NEVER DOES THIS HAPPEN!  People traveling with small children are now relegated to boarding somewhere after "group 2" when there's an impossibly long line  of people fiddle farting around trying to get seated.  You're left standing on the jetway with a squirming child whose weight is increasing exponentially by the second.  It sucks. 

So it was pretty awesome that the gate agent recognized the situation and did something to benefit everyone on the flight.  After all, had we had to wrestle the child all the way down the jetway and then down the aisle - she'd be even more worked up when she figured out she'd be confined to a space smaller than a matchbox for the next two hours.  That's not good for anyone who values their hearing or an in-flight nappy poo. 

We were on a  "3-2" plane as I call it.  That means three seats on one side and two on the other.  I'm not a aviation nerd and don't know the names of all the planes.  Sorry, I needed the room to memorize something else much more important... I just can't remember it now. 

Anywho...

We were on the two seat side.  A flight attendant waited for the plane to load and before anyone could even ask, she moved us over to the only row of three open seats that was left.  That was awesome.  Those of you who have traveled with kids under 2-years know that having that middle seat is like heaven.  The kid isn't on top of you the whole time and they can actually lay down comfortably, which helps induce sleep - which was our only goal for the day. 

When we changed planes we had to start the process all over again hoping the next American Airlines employees we would run into were as great as the ones we had already met.  They were. 

At the next gate they let us board right after the triple-platinum-captain-diamond-all world-premium plus-gold members, which was nice.  We got settled into our two seats with a kid who was dosing off after being run up and down the terminal for thirty minutes like she was in summer football two-a-days.  After the plane was boarded the flight attendant spread a row of three hearty (fat) passengers to open seats in exit rows and re-seated us in their seats... we didn't even ask - she just did it.  She could have ignored the situation and just gone through the motions of her job.  Instead, she went above and beyond for a customer - scratch that - she did it for all of the customers on that plane.  An employee that fixes problems before they even become a problem are rare gems - American Airlines has lightning in a bottle with the folks we encountered on our trip.

At that point I expected to hear my alarm go off and realize it was all a dream and that we hadn't even started the day yet.  The service and care taken by all of the American Airlines staff we encountered on Memorial Day was real, and it was a tremendous help on a very busy day that could have been miserable for everyone.  Instead - one of the best travel days of my life. 

Thank you American Airlines - you kicked ass yesterday. 

Things to do this week - May 28, 2012

Every Monday we provide a list of things we think you should do this week.  Without goals there would be no failure and thus nothing for us to make fun of. 

1.  Obviously you need to remember those who gave all.  Might also think of those in harm's way right now.  Celebrate these fine Americans every day - just a little more today. 

2. An airline gets Brad Kanus love this week.

3. Uber DC gets more love this week.

4. Airline industry gets an open letter they'll ignore this week.

5. Try not to talk about the weather - just shut up if you have nothing to say.  

This Week on Craigslist #6

It's been a while since we did one of these, so here's a quick one!

Missed Connections

TGI Fridays - m4m - (Tech Road) - Meet at Friday's... breakup at Applebee's... move to new trailer park...  rinse and repeat.

Handsome buck in suit/tie cowboy boots - m4m - 52 - (Chevy Chase DC) - ah shit, Bush is back in town.

Starwars Girl - m4w - (Dupont) - Oh God no.  

Work attraction - m4w - 39 - (Penn Quarter) - Don't lie, nobody is attracted to work. 

Beautiful Girl Old Town Giant - m4w - (Old town Alexandria ) - So you want to take a shot at the Giant woman from Old Town?  Hope you packed a lunch. 

I'm your neighbor - m4w - Not for long. 

Reading a Ron Paul book on the Yellow Line - w4m - 23 - (Yellow Line, Alexandria) - Pretty sure this ends when you guys decide to talk politics... or when he makes you stay up all night voting repeatedly in internet polls. 

Women Seeking Men

Nothing Ventured - Nothing Gained - 40 - (Columbia Heights) - You can't get herpes with your pants on, so let's roll the dice baby. 

 Waiting on You- (Germantown) - No, pretty sure guys are always waiting on girls.

I want to have a baby with a latino guy - (DMV) - Pretty sure this can be arranged... kind of a common occurence these days.

raw foodist/vegan/vegetarian - 29 - (MD) - Oh the many ways one can declare that they're an uptight bitch.

Sassy and Single .. - 37 - (PWC) - It's likely one of those is causing the other. 

hot day leads to ......cold showers - 33 - (va) - Is this some kind of pitch to have a guy pay your utility bills?

SBF - Looking for unique/interesting - 27 - (NoVA) - What if I'm just unique, but not interesting? 

value add - 27 - (Ballston) - Is this an appeal to a Smartrip machine?

Yoga and Love - 38 - (Arlington) - Why not solitaire and love?  If you're into activities that don't require a partner, don't limit yourself. 

looking for that special man - 21 - (somd) - By "special" do you mean a guy who needs supervision during the day?

Must Love Dogs - 54 - (Gaithersburg) - You need to work on your self-esteem.

Good looking men for lunch today? - (Nova) - Pretty sure cannibalism is illegal.

Fun girl looking for fun guy - 21 - (Alexandria) - And maybe we'll grow on each other like a fun-gus.

Men Seeking Women

Asian guy looking for a date - 38 - (Rockville ) - I wouldn't lead with the Asian thing.

I'm pretty awesome, are you? - 27 - (Fort Meade) - By craigslist standards anyone is "awesome."

What do I have to lose - 31 - (NoVa) - I'm willing to bet 15 -20 pounds.

Sexy and know the difference between literally and figuratively? - Scrabble expert - sexual novice.

One word frees us of all the weight and pain of life; That word is Lov - 32 - (D. M. V.) - that word is a letter short, asshole. 

Lunch and possible makeout session? - 34 - (Arlington/Rosslyn) - Why brush your own teeth when you can use a stranger's tongue?

 

Nobody in DC walks in a straight line

I wanted this to be a very visual post with smartly edited videos of people walking down the street splashed across the page.  I decided shooting video of random people walking down the street minding their own business was beneath me and pretty much creepy, so I didn't do that.  Besides, that crap makes the page hard to load and eventually the youtube links will magically stop working and you'll hate my blog (if you don't already).

You can actually read this post and go witness my observations yourself, which makes this much more interactive than I originally imagined.  It's also an investment on your end - which means you'll probably end up agreeing with me since you're... well... invested. 

Like many of you I walk the streets of DC daily.  I automatically hate the fact that most of the city's sidewalks are those stupid concrete tiles that are never firmly affixed to the ground on all four corners.  I spend a lot of time making sure I don't end up on my face because the sidewalk doubles as a teeter totter for feet.  Because I'm looking down a lot, I end up almost bumping into people often.  I don't know that the hell they're looking at - remember, I'm watching for Indiana Jones-like booby traps within the public right-of-way - but if they could maintain a line and follow the general rules of the road, we'd not run into each other.  Although when it's a pretty girl I'm thankful for the all of a sudden serendipitous collision.  And that's because I'm a guy and guy's are pigs. 

Lately I have been spending more time watching people walk instead of watching out for loose sidewalk tiles.  The people of DC can't walk in a straight line to save their lives.  And in some cases - it's needed to save their lives!

Given the space, DC people will involuntarily zigzag up and down the block.  They kind of walk toward one point, catch themselves too close to the curb and then gently swerve back toward the buildings lining the street on the other side.  Some people have a more pronounced zigzag changing direction every few feet.  It's fascinating to watch.  You should do it.  But, don't bring a friend because they'll think you're weird.

I do know that there are a tremendous amount of utility access grates on DC sidewalks.  Women in certain types of shoes avoid them as well as pessimistic people who think they'll fall through to their death.  I'm an optimistic person - I think I'll fall through, live and get a major payday and never have to work again.  I guess what I'm saying is that there are some legitimate reasons for changing course on many DC sidewalks. 

More interesting than watching individuals is watching a pair of people walking together and how they do one of two things without fail. 

Some sets of people tend to stray away from each other then back.... then away again and then back.  They do this over and over with some pairs having a more pronounced separation than others.  Imagine the final ski scene in "Aspen Extreme" (the best skiing movie ever made) and that's exactly what it's like.   It's as if one said to the other at the beginning of the block "I'll open'em, you close'em."

Other pairs have one person who is actually locked in on a straight line while the second person just randomly runs into them over and over as if they have no ability to control their proximity to the other person.  It makes you want to punch the guy who can't control his distance to his mate (in the British sense of the word) (that just made this post "international")- it's as annoying to watch as it is to have happen to you. 

Because nobody in DC is walking in a straight line there's a lot of problems with people walking the wrong way down your lane of traffic.  By this I mean - you're in the right lane and they should be in the left lane, but they're not.  It's not a foreign concept (yes it is),  so why don't people adhere to it? 

Even within metro facilities we follow the rules of the road - slower traffic to the right and faster traffic to the left.  It's the DC specific "walk left, stand right" rule borne out of the necessity to have unwritten rules for which tourists are oblivious - giving locals an opportunity to scream at strangers. 

Okay, the rule was actually borne out of the rules of the road as followed in America (where everything we do is right and everyone else is wrong). 

Again, I encourage you to go out and witness this phenomenon yourself and report back to us what you find.  By all means - lose your shit in the comments section below if you disagree with me so we can all certify that I'm 100 percent correct.  And if you don't want to lose your shit in the space provided below, just share your stories of sidewalk aggravation.  Sharing helps all of us heal.

Harry's Tap Room/Market Tavern - Epic Clarendon FAIL!

I was out last night walking the dog and pushing my kid around Clarendon like I do most evenings and noticed something amiss at Market Tavern.  It was empty! On a Thursday!  In Clarendon!  WTF? 

A very warm note posted on the front door explained that they had thrown in the towel - their last meal at that location had been served.  They thanked the people of the neighborhood and complimented the area on it's booming culinary economy.  It was a thoughtful goodbye from what had to be a very angry and frustrated group of investors.  Sadly, that's about the only thing they ever did right there.  Here's the note View this photo.

Let's take a walk through the forest of failure and see what went wrong here.

Market Tavern used to be Harry's Tap Room.  In late 2011 the owner did a major overhaul of the old Harry's decor and transformed the place into Market Tavern.  And by "major overhaul," I mean - they ripped down one wall and painted gigantic cows on the remaining walls.  It was one last effort at saving a place they tried so hard to kill since it opened in 2003.  Unfortunately you can't "unf*ck the football team" as my Mom used to say when making a point about how your past bad showings have a lasting  effect on how people view you.  I think her saying is perfect for the Harry's Tap Room/Market Tavern failure in Clarendon and we'll get to that in a minute.

The thing about Clarendon is that you don't have to try very hard to do well with a restaurant.  Restaurants in out-of-the-way places have to be perfect in order to attract people to their location.  In Clarendon there are too few restaurants for the amount of people who live in the area.  This means that by default restaurants do pretty well.   It also means they aren't charged with doing anything superior in order to survive and that's how an entire zip code ends up with shitty eateries.  Clarendon is dangerously close to being a place known as a model high density walkable community with some of the worst food options around.   

Just look at the crap that survives in Clarendon now.

Cheesecake Factory - it's all the shitty things about American chain restaurant dining gathered in one place.  Everything about the place is designed around increasing the bottom line profit.  Food and people come in a far second and third to the "experience" of being separated from  your money in exchange for what they mislabel as "food."   The restaurant has a warehouse loading dock attached to the building where tons of frozen shit is brought in daily to be prepared by passionless assembly line workers who care about as much about your dining experience as they do about washing their hands after pooping - which is to say, not very much.   The place is packed from the second the doors open until close.

Ri Ra - Shitty food meets astronomical high prices in this modern American take on an Irish pub that leaves both  groups of people embarrassed for themselves.  These assholes even charge a cover!  Packed every second of every day.  I really can't explain how crappy this place really is - there aren't words that exist that do it justice.

Liberty Tavern - Flat-bread-pizza-looking things that resemble what you see on TV, but taste like something you find in a TV dinner box.  Very expensive - poorly designed and executed menu.  On a scale of 1 to blah - it's a blah blah.   There's likely a line out the door to get in as you read this.

The point I'm making here is simple - you got to be very very very very bad to not make it in Clarendon.  And I can tell you, Harry's Tap Room was very very very very very bad.  People will put up with a lot of shit, but there's a limit on how much and for how long.  Right now they're charging $1 for ice in Clarendon.  You might remember me writing about that BS HERE.  That's still not enough to scare customers away.  You have to try hard to fail in Clarendon.

I went to Harry's Tap Room in 2003/2004 several times.  It was expensive as hell, the food was the definition of "whatever" and the service wasn't memorable.  I didn't return until the summer of 2011 and it was more of a coincidence of timing than anything else that led me there.  The wife and I were meeting another couple and lines got crossed so we had a few minutes to kill and were standing outside the place - we decided to sit down and have a drink. 

Our initial reaction was the same - looks like they haven't cleaned or updated this place in ten years.  Ceiling tiles were water stained and wood trim pieces beaten and scarred all over the place.  It was still stupidly expensive and lacked quality and variety on the drink menu.  You got the feeling this was the restaurant the owner forgot he owned and just let it go. 

The couple we met for dinner asked us about our short stop into the place and they echoed our complaints having been there recently as well.  They had decided to try the place again after a five year hiatus from the place.  They explained that they had eaten at every other place on the block a dozen or more times in the past five years, but never there.  Their trip back was no surprise - Harry's Tap Room still sucked. 

Unfortunately the owners really didn't understand how much damage they had done to the location.  When they repackaged the place as "Market Tavern" in late 2011, it failed to fool anyone.  Even if I thought my first trip to Market Tavern was far superior to any experience I had at Harry's Tap Room, the stink couldn't be washed off of the place.  In a mere six months the plane was in a dive the pilot couldn't recover from.  An almost impossible thing happened and I'm still unsure how exactly they managed to screw it up that badly. 

There's a promise of a new concept coming to the location.  I'm going to assume by the tone of the letter posted in the window that the same owner is coming back with yet another restaurant.  I can't think of any other reason to post that letter and promulgate that goodwill unless that's the plan.  Let's hope he does much better than he did this last - and in all honesty, it shouldn't be that hard with the hoards of hungry 20 and 30-somethings with money burning holes in their pockets.

I do have one thought about a new place, though. Where they're going to have trouble is not understanding their customers. Clarendon people love to see and be seen.  They do not like being tucked away upstairs where they can't have one eye on the bar crowd and one on the street - and vice versa.  If they try to use that upstairs space as the main dining area again, they're going to lose again.  I don't know how to fix the problem, but I can tell you that's definitely a problem. 

Someday we'll talk about the bigger picture and how Clarendon's culinary future looks more ballpark concession stand than dining destination.  Too many people concentrated in one place without discriminating palates create a disasterous  food culture.  As Clarendon grows and its restaurant scene refuses to, it's likely to jump the shark in a culinary sense - and that would be the opposite of good.

(I totally wanted this to be way better than it was, but it took my three days to write and I just lost all the will to care about it.  This is as half-assed as Harry's Tap Room was.  My apologies.)

Things to do this week - May 21, 2012

Every Monday we provide a list of things we think you should do this week.  Without goals there would be no failure and thus nothing for us to make fun of. 

1.  Remember to write the "things to do this week" on your blog.

2. Catch that great music act playing downtown at a reasonable price and reasonable time of night.

3. Disregard #2 and realize that martians are more likely to exist than that scenario.

4. Do visit http://dcblogs.com/ and support your local bloggers.

5. Prepare for the worst.. expect rain.

6.  Explain to a 25-year-old exactly what "pencil me in" means and how the expression ever came about.

7.  Shoot first and submit questions in writing later.

Why can't I wear my umbrella like a sword?

If you're reading this and you're a man you've either had this thought or think it's an awesome idea.  If you're a woman you're thinking to yourself, "What's he talking about? It's cold in here."  The second part of that thought was obligatory given that women are constantly in a state of temperature related discomfort and it would be intellectually dishonest of me to not include what I know is actually going through their mind when describing what's going through their mind.  Got that?  Every woman reading this just put on a sweater. 

Anywho...

Like many days in Washington it's raining  when you go to work in the morning, but not raining when you return home.  Or vice versa.  Either way you're carrying an umbrella with you when you don't need it.  It's a fact a life, but it affects many of us differently.

Because I'm a gigantic fatass I can not fit fully beneath the protective dome of the standard umbrella.  I must use a "golf umbrella" that is more than three feet tall and cumbersome to carry in conjunction with a briefcase or gym bag.  By itself - okay.  It even serves as something to annoyingly practice my golf swing with or push elevator buttons with.  I can even use it to point at stuff or poke people and things that don't need/want to be poked.  By itself the golf umbrella is quite fun - for me. 

When I'm carrying my golf umbrella and a briefcase life sucks.  Riding the metro is hard.  Answering a buzzing BlackBerry is difficult.  Doing anything you need a free hand to pull off is annoying.  Why can't there be a simple solution?

Now, I know you're probably saying, "Lose weight fatass and maybe you can carry around a small umbrella like everyone else!"  You're right, but you're also wrong.  Your solution contains zero percent of the suggested daily amount of fun (that is the gayest thing I have ever written... not that there's anything wrong with that).  My suggestion, however, is awesome.

I figured since I treat my golf umbrella like a sword (when my wife isn't watching because she gets pissed if she catches me), why can't I wear it like one?  I just need a little sling or ring that hangs off of my belt that I slide my umbrella into when I'm not using it.  Like a sword it will hang almost verticle and free up my other hand for other important things like playing Words With Strangers (none of my "friends" can spell well enough to play so I changed the name of the game to more accurately reflect who I'm actually playing with/against).

I know there's a stigma associated with grown men pretending to carry swords.  We've all seen "live action role playing" (LARP) and although we secretly want to join them, we know it's to be frowned upon like eating dolphin tacos.  I really think this functional fashion revolution could help usher us toward a world where our knightly fantasies will be accepted as equally as our need to dress up in furry costumes and simulate sex acts with strangers in similar costumes (don't agree? even congressmen are into it HERE).

I know it will be a little weird at first, but all things functional eventually catch on.  Think about the first guy to wear bifocals.  Sure they made fun of him at first... and then all the way up until the 90s, but now - look at glasses now!  People who don't even need them wear them!  It's like wearing a cast on an unbroken arm!  It just took time and people got so used to the idea that it became a fad.  A couple hundred years from now people will be walking around with umbrella's strapped to their waists making fun of the idiots who stow them in an outer pocket of their briefcase.  I don't know about you, but that's a world I want to live in.

So... who's going to invent this thing so I can start a functional fashion revolution here in the Nation's Capital?  Send your idea to bradkanus@gmail.com and I will promptly steal it and give you no credit.  Make sure you include a complete set of drawings with your submission. 

This is Why I Hate Starbucks People - Reason/Exhibit #2

Mother's Day forces dads to do a lot of shit they don't want to do.  Brunch comes to mind immediately.  Not getting drunk at brunch is the next thought.   A million other scenarios ending with me repeatedly sticking an imaginary fork in my eye flood my mind after those initial horrors.  The point is - great day for her and a shitty day for me. 

It was especially shitty this year since I decided to start the day's festivities off with a run to Starbucks with our 20 month old who is possessed by the exuberance and energy of a Jack Russel Terrier and the destructive power of a tornado wrapped inside a tsunami that has hurricanes for arms and legs and volcano head that shoots hot snot lava.  Small crowded places where she isn't allowed to touch anything just happen to set her off like a match to gasoline.  About one tenth of one second after crossing the threshold of the door at Starbucks - I realized I had made a major mistake.

As you all know, I hate Starbucks for numerous reasons.  I'll be spending the next few years listing all of them on this blog, so stay tuned.  The only reason I was there is because my wife loves Starbucks.  I figured I'd spare her the "best part of waking up" option we both hate (but refuse to change for some reason) that morning seeing as it was "her day" and all.  Like getting fouled while shooting the three and sinking it - I had a rare opportunity for a four point play.  She loves Starbucks = +2 points.  I hate Starbucks and she knows what a sacrifice it is for me to actually go inside one and be among Starbucks people = +2. 

It's 7:30 in the morning on a Sunday and I'm at the Starbucks off of Spout Run (next to The Italian Store!) hoping to have beat the morning crowd.  I'm quickly reminded of the fact that rich white people have nothing better to do than wake up at dawn and go sit around drinking very expensive coffee with complete strangers.   The place is packed.  Picture Pizza Mart in Adams Morgan at 2:30 a.m. and then imagine everyone  is the type of person who drives a Mercedes - that's what we're talking about here. 

The guy in front of me in line  is in his mid fifties, way too skinny for his age and sopping wet with sweat.  He ran to the Starbucks.  My kid wants to do only one thing in life at that point - touch his nasty ass sweat infused shirt.   I'm trying to keep my distance, but the lady behind me is literally standing on my heels as if applying pressure to my personal space will speed up the baristas.  It's a shit show from the word go and I'm stuck between the two leads.

Slowing everything down is not only the fact that lattes take longer to make than glaciers, but the witty morning banter between the baristas and the regulars that interrupts the actual making of the coffee.  I'm one of only a few people in the place who aren't on a first name basis with the staff.  If I was that chummy with the baristas I could  have easily let them know that the 30 pound human nuclear bomb I was holding  was about to lose her shit and turn this place into the scene of a Mexican cartel shootout if things didn't start moving along.  Unfortunately for everyone - I did not have that kind established relationship with the hippies on staff.

Once we're about three people back from ordering, my little baby girl's head turned all the way around 360 degrees a couple of times signaling the start of World War III.  She's flinging everything she can put her hands on across the room and what she doesn't throw, she puts in her mouth requiring that I buy it.  Sweaty old guy in front of me is oblivious to this and takes his time catching up with Hippie McDipshit behind the counter before he even starts to order.  In a sudden moment of awareness the lead hippie playing rover behind the counter decides it might be a good idea if they get started on my drink.  For that, I was grateful. 

Thank you lead hippie.  May your weed be sticky, purple and by prescription from now on.

Back to the show...

Sweaty old guy ordered three drinks, by the way.  Two lattes - one iced, one hot and some kind of ice-fruit-drink -coffee-thingy.  At this point I f*cking hate old sweaty guy like no single other person on earth has ever hated another person before.   I would punch him, but I'm afraid I might touch his shirt. 

I tell Hippie McDipshit what I ordered and place the dozen or so plastic wrapped chocolate nut scones on the counter that have been claimed via saliva by my daughter.  A mortgage payment later I'm declining the offer of a receipt and headed to a safe spot to wait for my wife's coffee. 

Tom Petty once said "waiting is the hardest part," and he was right.   I also think he and Dwight Yoakam are the same person, but that's another post for another day.

What makes waiting hard at Starbucks are the assholes who waited in the long line to order, know that there are lots of people waiting for their drinks that ordered decades before them, but decide to stand as close to the pick up counter as possible without actually touching the guy making drinks.   These assholes are shocked every single time the barista calls out an order and it's not theirs.  It's as if they have in their mind that the barista took their order and thought "f*ck these people who have been waiting, I'm going to bump this guy's order to the front since he's obviously awesome."

You would have thought that after the next four drinks called weren't theirs and people had to plow their way through them to pick up their drinks, they'd get the picture.  They didn't and they generally don't.  Being in the way isn't something a Starbucks customer is capable of noticing.  That would mean they would have to engage in some kind of self-awareness or self-reflection exercise and if they were aware of their status as the skid mark on the underwear of modern consumerism - they might stop going to Starbucks!  We wouldn't want that, would we?

Figuring out that you're a Starbucks asshole is a lot harder than dealing with the fact that you wore parachute pants or thought it was perfectly acceptable to play Chumbawamba's "Tubthumping" at full volume on repeat in your car as your drove through campus.  On the list of the hardest things to find out about yourself, being a Starbucks asshole is second behind finding out you're Hitler's love child and just in front of realizing you're being considered for the next season of the Jersey Shore.  It's pretty bad.

In the end Mommy got her tall double shot white mocha while it was still hot.  She's not too happy about the $50 of crap we had to buy because the kid either broke it or tongued it, but she'll get over it after she reads this harrowing tale of how her coffee came to be that morning.  Or... she'll be offended by this post since she likes Starbucks and I'll have to explain how she's different than the people I'm talking about even though she totally isn't. 

Wish me luck.  And don't you dare get me a Starbucks gift card.

Things to do this week - May 14, 2012

Every Monday we provide a list of things we think you should do this week.  Without goals there would be no failure and thus nothing for us to make fun of. 

1.  Read my next installment of "Starbucks People."

2.  Figure out whether or not the coming "rush" program for the metro system is going to make things better or worse for riders.  I'm not sure adding trains to traffic jam is a good idea.  Banning tourists is, though. 

3.  Try Uber DC this week.  It's actually pretty awesome.

4.  Swear off Tast of the South like you do every year. 

DC Blogger Impressed with Unimpressive Happenings on Metro

The folks over at FamousDC made yet another DC blogger "famous" today and for once I was enticed into following the provided link.  I'm glad I did.  The person not glad I read it - the blog's author FloridaGirlinDC.  Here's why. 

First of all, her blog name flunks the originality test so badly that it has now been assigned to the digital media shortbus for eternity.  She used the same blog naming equation everybody else out there uses: 

where you're from + gender specific noun + "in" + where you live now = shitty blog title. 

LAguyinNY, MichiganManinMiami, TexasGalinSeattle and million more that we're all very tired of seeing.  We get it - you're really proud of where you're from... you just don't choose to live there.  And you probably don't live there for reasons you're not proud of like high illiteracy and the popularity of "TruckNutz."

I'm sure in her mind she's a pioneer in DC society being one of the few citizens who can bring a Florida perspective to table.  For her sake I hope she isn't going to Taste of the South this weekend where every third person will either be actually from Florida or from Alabama and claiming to be from Florida.  No doubt it - we've got lots of Florida in our DC.

I digress.  But then again, who doesn't?

The premise of the blog post is simple.  She saw an okay looking guy get a business card from a "really pretty" girl on the metro.  She breaks it down into five parts and expresses genuine awe at the guy's work.  Too bad she read way too much into it and failed to realize that in second place behind "f*ck off creep" on the list of "Clues She's Not Interested" resides the business card brushoff.  Let's go to the tape, shall we?

One thing everyone should know now about DC is that it's full of men who can not and will not make a move on a woman.  Go out tonight and watch as tables full of single girls mingle without interruption as loads of dudes watch from afar.  In any other city they'd be swarmed before they even got through the door.  In DC - watched from afar like animals on the African plains. 

I'm ugly.  I've never been good looking.  I didn't have a "heyday" when I was skinny, had high cheekbones and some hint of a chin.  I've looked like Bob Saget my entire life.  This made it hard to get a date for a very long time.  It wasn't until I moved to DC and found out that being the only guy willing to walk up and introduce myself to a woman had its advantages.  I figured out the golden rule of female access - you can't get a "yes" if you don't ask.  And - nobody ever got laid standing across the bar trying to will a girl into bed by staring holes through her. 

However... I don't think that what I describe above is the entire story.  

The guy in this story has two obvious things going for him - he's not hideous and he's got a schtick worked out.  He knows that a decent looking guy who can talk will get laid way more often than a hot guy who waits around for chicks to fall over naked with their legs in the air. 

The little jazz club bit is probably something he pops on girls on that train at that time headed in that direction five days a week.  He's got the odds worked out already - most girls of a certain age, race and socioeconomic class exit the metro at one of the stops near the jazz place he's talking about.  It's a popular area for young people - I think we all know that.  He's got a better than even chance of throwing out one of three stops and being right or one stop off with his guess. Either way, he'll find out if he can start laying down his jazz club schtick after asking only one innocent question.

The girl in the story reacts initially like most of us would on the metro when someone you don't know starts talking to you - disgust.  Talking to strangers on the metro is the same as urinating on the metro - never necessary, always awkward and severely frowned upon. 

His persistence pushes her to interact with him in a limited, guarded fashion. It is not his subject matter and apparent recollection of past events that causes her to engage him as the chick from Florida who now lives in DC would have you believe.  She's now trying to appease the man for fear that ignoring him may just encourage him to get more aggressive.  Let's be honest - all she knows is that this crazy son-of-a-bitch is okay with breaking a cardinal rule of the metro system(talking to strangers), his next move might be to strip naked and do the floppy chicken on her new Nine West wedges.  She's doing whatever her instinct tells her will keep him out of the crazy zone until she can get off the train.

She's forced to banter back and forth with this guy for a bit hoping it stays tame.  You've all seen this happen on a train before and you know how bad you feel for the victim.  You're also thankful that this poor soul is jumping on the grenade for the entire car.  If they don't appease the crazy person, then everyone is screwed.  What this woman did was heroic - at least it was for the people who saw the situation and knew what was going on.  Ms. DC via Florida saw an entirely different movie than the rest of the audience sitting in the same theater, unfortunately. 

The final act of appeasement as she chatted Don Juan off the ledge was the giving of the business card. If you're a guy over 21 in DC and been around bars and women,  you've probably been stiffed with the business card before.  Most of the time you never hear from them again because that's what they intended to happen when they gave you that card and not their cell phone number. 

What do most business cards have on them?  Name, work address, work email, work fax and work phone.   Your most appropriate option here is to email her.  You're not a client and you admit as much in your email the next day - she can ignore you without recourse.  

Are you going to call her office number whiles she's working to ask her out?  Not if you're within driving distance of normal.  

Fax?  Novel idea, but not a good idea.  Too easy to turn into the next viral shaming of an undersexed guy trying too hard.  You don't want Gawker ending your shot with that chick and every other woman in Western civilization. 

Bottom line - nothing says "let's get together soon" like a woman giving you a bunch of bad options for getting a hold of her instead of the best one.  

The cell phone number remains the industry's gold standard for showing interest.  

Lady Florida living in DC didn't see what she thought she saw because she didn't know what she was looking at.  It's as simple as that. 

------------------

Several other notes about her and her blog...

1. She uses the world "chill" and she wasn't referring to what you should do to wine before serving.  She doesn't look 13, but talks as if she is. 

2. Page has a shitfit loading on older browsers (pretty much every office in DC) because of the palm tree background.  You're from Florida - WE GET IT.

3.  She's pretty cute - why the hell is she living vicariously through strangers on the metro? 

4.  That last one wasn't fair.  She was inspired by a random act - good for her.  

5.  She signs off on her "about me" with the most annoying closing ever - "cheers."  How many jackasses do you have to see use that closing before you realize that it's literally the calling card for assholes?  And "ciao" is not a suitable replacement either. 

6.  That's all I have.  Thanks for playing. 

 

War (totally awesome closing)

Brad Kanus

 

How to properly use your Smartrip card

It's a shame that this has to be written and distributed.   It really doesn't make me feel good about the current state of the gene pool.  Maybe I can improve things here with a quick "how to" on an every day activity people should already be good at. 

The first rule of Smartrip card usage is simple - naked is best, don't put the magnetic reader to the test.  Take it out of your wallet or your plastic crap holder hanging around your neck.  Nobody has time to see you fail at being cool because you're too lazy to remove your card from your wallet.   It's the metro - it's the antithesis of cool.  Cool people drive to work.  Uncool people are forced to travel underground in dark tunnels so as not to ruin the day for cool people.  Got it?  No?  I wrote about this phenomenon extensively HERE.

When approaching the turnstile  with the two half Japanese fans you need to have your metro card in your right hand.  The card reader is always on your right.  This isn't the NBA and you don't get style points for doing a quick crossover as you approach the turnstile.

You should be walking with a purpose - not running and not sauntering.  Do not change your pace as you approach the turnstile.  If you follow my instructions here you will never have to. 

As you get within a few steps of the turnstile you need to have your Smartrip card in your right hand (we've talked about this already) and it needs to be positioned between your thumb and the rest of your fingers.  Pretend it's a $20 you're palming to hand to a bouncer or your dealer.

With the Smartrip card properly positioned in your right hand and while you're roughly two steps away, you need to extend your arm in front of you as far as it can go.  You may bend forward at the waist to increase your forward reach if you would like.  Just make sure you aren't slowing your walking speed as you do this. 

Aim your hand toward the illuminated button with the purpose of your Smartrip card bearing right hand beating your body and feet to that location by at least a step.  With your palm facing down, quickly remove your thumb from the bottom of the card and land your hand directly on top of the illuminated button.  This will start the process of opening the two half Japanese fans. 

As you know, there's a slight delay between the swiping and the opening.  The time it takes the card reader to tell the motor to move the fans is precisely equal to your natural purposeful walking pace plus the length of your outstretched arm. It's a miracle of mathematics - one of the very few in the metro system.

Your hand with the Smartrip card will swipe the illuminated button at a speed that will let your torso catch up.  You will eventually pass your hand with your body as the Japanese fans open because you have maintained your pace, but let your hand linger long enough to guarantee your Smartrip card has been read.  As you clear the Japanese fans your Smartrip clad hand will be behind you, but rapidly catching up. 

Think of the entire motion like bowling - first your let your hand lead your body and then you slowly let your body catch up as your hand moves backward and then everything realigns in a swift forward motion.  It's beautiful. 

If you have done all of this correctly you will not have had to slow down one bit.  You will not be that asshole who doesn't think to swipe their Smartrip card until they are literally standing in the turnstile.  You will be that courteous metro rider who maintains the pace of those who have some place to be. 

People we love - Uber DC

Last Friday night Uber and I had a "swing and a miss" moment when  their driver couldn't find me even though I was trying to jump in front of his car... repeatedly... in front of Cap Lounge... where Hill Staff were laughing at me hysterically...  It wasn't such a big deal except for the fact that it was my first run with Uber and I ended up getting charged $10 for being ignored (my wife does this for free already).  I was not happy. 

My main problem was that I had no discernible way of contacting Uber directly and bitching about the charge.  I just had this email on my iPhone that says I just paid them $10 for nothing and it was just sitting there taunting me.  I had to do something... So I called my bank, cancelled the payment and posted on this blog a tirade that will not soon be forgotten by the tens of people who read it.

It didn't take long for Uber DC's "Community Support Manager" to post a comment on this blog apologizing for my experience and seeking to make things all better.  "Alex" listed an email address and asked that I use it to clear things up. 

This is the part where I tell you I feel like an asshole - kinda. 

I emailed "Alex" with my Uber information and he got everything taken care of in minutes.  Apparently my iPhone showed me about a block away from where I claimed to be, which caused some confusion for the driver (I hate Steve Jobs).  What wasn't clear is how the driver could be confused about where I was when I was on the phone with him telling  him that I'm the guy he's about to hit in the middle of the street (I hate Joseph the driver).  However, that's not Uber's problem since these drivers are their own masters and they have a side deal with Uber.  Uber doesn't require you to be smart in order to work for them, unfortunately.

"Alex" reversed the charge on my card, gave me something to make my butt hurt go away and promised the driver would be forced to watch "Sex in the City 2" as punishment.  Overall - a really stand-up move by a company that could have shrugged off my negative press and never looked back.

I did tell "Alex" that having some kind "email your complaint" safety blanket  button would be a nice thing to have for people who feel they've been wronged.  He told me that I should feel free to respond directly to the emailed receipt from Uber if I thought something was wrong.  It's kind of obvious, but then again it's kind of not.  We've been trained not to respond those types of emails by the Amazons, eBays and other online stores in the past.  It's hard to be intuitive on these things now. 

I will tell you that the "people free" technology of Uber is a great stride forward in the world of cabs.  It's also dangerous in that there will always need to be some kind of assurance the whole thing isn't run by unfeeling robots.  In this case I finally got through to soft cuddly human who brushed away my tears and kissed my booboo.  Let's hope everyone else gets the same treatment when they need it. 

Use this service.  I'm going to give it another try this weekend and I'm going to make sure my little dot on the screen is where it's supposed to be.  Wish me luck. 

Oh, and don't forget to remind me to tell you how the people who live in BFE, Virginia have messed the cab thing for everyone else. 

Things to do this week - May 7, 2012

Every Monday we provide a list of things we think you should do this week.  Without goals there would be no failure and thus nothing for us to make fun of. 

1. Look out for my apology following UBER DC's apology.  Company makes good, but "look Ma, no hands!" technology has itss drawbacks. 

2. Go HERE and head straight to the 90s music hits.  If you aren't completely embarrassed by what you see, never ever speak about music to anyone for any reason.  Seriously - you're done.  If you're disgusted - I'm sorry, I can't explain what was wrong with people back then.

3. Complain about Metro fair hikes.

4. Keep riding metro.

5. Figure out why the Washington City Paper wasn't delivered... Couldn't find one Friday in DC or Virginia.  Kind of hard to make fun of something that doesn't exist.

Flower Mill Building Tenants Screwed - Cupcakes Won't Fix This

I have a vendor in the Flower Mill building and I haven't been able to reliably get a hold of them lately.  Thinking I forgot to pay their bill, I checked with the money people at my office and they told me we were square.  Mystery stayed unsolved until I picked up twitter traffic about the building and some major construction going on that has crippled their tenant's ability to conduct business.  I needed to know more.

So the building is managed by CBRE (CB Richard Ellis, Inc.) and they figured since everybody loves surprises, they'd spring some major construction on their tenants without any warning.  It apparently started with the power being cut for an entire day (during the work week) and has morphed into some kind of God-awful jackhammering routine that lasts until lunch every day.  My contact over there told me, "the building shook less during the earthquake." 

Needless to say, most of the tenants can not work at their offices this week and unlike children getting the news of a snow day in May - they're f*cking pissed.  

Apparently the folks at CBRE are confused on how this whole thing works.  You see, CBRE makes money by collecting rent from their tenants.  The tenants are able to provide that rent money by utilizing the space they are renting from CBRE to generate revenue.  CBRE has a direct interest in the viability and success of their tenant's business.  So, it's a mystery as to why they would make it impossible for their tenants to uphold their part of the little bargain. 

The tenants haven't taken this whole surprise construction debacle lying down.  They're clamoring for news coverage.  A PR disaster warning has been issued by the Department of We Should Have Handled This Better (DWSHHTB) for CBRE.

Tenants want everyone from the famous Pat Collins (in all his awesomeness HERE) from NBC 4 to cover the mess to Washington City Paper's "Loose Lips" editors (specific mentions of Ryan Grimm and Mike Madden) on the story.  

I don't know why they care to have the City Paper show up, they specifically only do stories of little or no interest to the public - and this story has deep roots in a bigger story about how property management companies treat tenants and how their bottom line is ultimately affected.  Maybe if there's a craft beer angle the City Paper with bite - just maybe. 

Rumor has it that there's a tumblr account that shows office phones jumping off desks due to the intense jackhammering and more video is on the way.  Shit is hitting the fan quickly - and publicly.  Somebody over at CBRE needs to show up with more than just a bunch of cupcakes to calm this beast.  Although, cupcakes are a good opening statement in any PR battle, if I might say so myself.

(Word to the wise on the cupcake thing - don't f*ck around with the lemon flavored ones.  Nobody likes them.  It's lemon - do you know what kind of face people make when they bite into a lemon?  The same face they make when biting into a lemon cupcake - the face of severe displeasure and disappointment.  Also the same face my wife makes when I give my opinion on anything.)

I have a feeling this is going to get big.  Stay tuned and I'll have more when I get it.

People We Hate - Old Rich DC Guy at the Grocery Store

Every presidential election features at least a few barbs back and forth about which guy is more "in tune" with the Average Joe.  This usually means knowing off the top of their head what a gallon of milk costs as if they've been shopping recently at the local Giant and can recall the exact price of something they traditionally buy.    The 300 million plus people not running for President know the two guys spouting off milk figures don't go to the grocery store on a regular basis and probably haven't in years.  The idea of them shopping for their own food is not quite fathomable to most.

If you live in the DC area and you frequent grocery stores, you infrequently get an idea of what it would be like if they all of sudden did start going to the Giant to do their own shopping.  The Old Rich DC Guy is like the president in that he has someone to do just about everything for him, and unlike the president in that sometimes he's actually forced to do  little things for himself.  This is where he screws up my day. 

In DC political culture there's a tradition that the boss is treated like a Senator - everything is done for him.  The guys whose titles read "Head of" major corporation's "Washington Office" and they live life just like a Senator if not better.  There's someone to do everything they need done.  They don't even send their own emails, much less do the shopping for their own household.  They are coddled by staff nearly every minute they're awake.  That's why when they get out amongst the common folk, they're annoying.  Especially at the grocery store.

First of all, they never lose their sense of superiority.  Most everyone around them in their daily life exists to serve them, they have a hard time recognizing situations when that is not the case.  Mr. Rich Guy hasn't been to the grocery store in ages and has no idea how to find what he's looking for so he asks the first person he encounters about the location of the item he needs.  In the most recent case that person was me.   I'm in flops and a shirt that says "I Swallowed the Worm!"  It's obvious I don't work at Harris Teeter (Tweeter from now on), but that doesn't matter because Rich Old DC Guy doesn't give a shit - I'm somebody within reach who can do his job for him.

Because I'm indoctrinated into DC culture I start to help this guy find the cheese aisle (he was looking for a cheese to go with wine he explained to me - fancy schmancy smelly cheese, obviously).  I soon realize that this guy can read the signs above the aisles just as easy as I can and let him know that fact.  He leaves me to scan the big signs hanging above each aisle - putting his reading glasses on and no "thank you" coming from his mouth.  The joke is on him because the cheese he's looking for isn't in a traditional aisle at the Tweeter.

I catch up with him a few minutes later and he's now got a Tweeter staff member and two other shoppers wrapped into his picking of a cheese.  A guy who likely makes more than a half a million bucks a year can't pick a stinky cheese - how does he do whatever it is he does? 

I end up right behind him in the checkout and it's just painful.  

He's chatting up the cashier in an attempt to connect with the common folk.  I fully expect he's going to say something like "This isn't such a bad job, right? You make what, a hundred - a hundred fifty thousand a year?  You can live on that - people do."  He doesn't actually say that because he's rich and old, but he's not Joe Biden.  It was mundane, but not unlike Prince Akeem in Coming to America talking to the people in Queens throughout the movie. 

Because I said mean things to fat girls when I was in high school (karma), this  guy decides he's going use his debit card.  He admits out loud he's never really used it before.  I'm sure his secretary is responsible for paying for things and that's why he hasn't had much practice doing what we all take for granted. 

The cashier points to the little kiosk when its his turn to do his part (pay).  He now must read every single screen aloud. 

 "Swipe card now."  He looks at his card, looks at the machine to find the slot and then realizes there may be a trick to it. 

He asks "any which way I want?" 

The cashier twist the card in his hand pushes the whole mess toward the slot. 

He swipes.  Nothing happens instantaneously so he asks "what happened?" 

Then he starts reading again.

"Enter your PIN"

He refers to a little sticky note that was attached to the card for his PIN and asks "here?" as he points to the key pad.

She says "yes." 

He enters a four digit number in the time it would take to calculate the circumference of the earth using an abacus and a calculator missing the number seven. 

The reading starts again.

"Do you want cash back?" 

He then has a question for the cashier  - "Do I want cash back?"

She says "no"

He asks "so I should push 'no'?"

She says "yes"

And he says "you mean yes I should push no, not the other way around?"

At this point I have said the word "f*ck" so many times under my breath that I wore the skin off of my bottom lip on my teeth (say it real quick and pay attention to your mouth).

She reaches over and pushes "no" for him and we're on to reading aloud again.

"Is this the correct total?"

He looks around like the answer is anywhere but within his head.

"Yes or no?"

Cashier has had enough of this shit and reaches over again to press "yes."

He's absolutely okay with her taking charge - he's used to people doing things for him.

The cashier hands him his receipt and says "thank you."

He's still got questions.

"Is this it?  Do I need to do anything else?"

He's gesturing like he needs to sign the receipt. 

She assures him "you're done, you can go." 

He grabs his cheese, mumbles "thank you" and heads out to the parking lot to try and remember how to drive a car. 

Insanity.  Thank God it only happens every once in a while.