If you're reading this and you're a man you've either had this thought or think it's an awesome idea. If you're a woman you're thinking to yourself, "What's he talking about? It's cold in here." The second part of that thought was obligatory given that women are constantly in a state of temperature related discomfort and it would be intellectually dishonest of me to not include what I know is actually going through their mind when describing what's going through their mind. Got that? Every woman reading this just put on a sweater.
Like many days in Washington it's raining when you go to work in the morning, but not raining when you return home. Or vice versa. Either way you're carrying an umbrella with you when you don't need it. It's a fact a life, but it affects many of us differently.
Because I'm a gigantic fatass I can not fit fully beneath the protective dome of the standard umbrella. I must use a "golf umbrella" that is more than three feet tall and cumbersome to carry in conjunction with a briefcase or gym bag. By itself - okay. It even serves as something to annoyingly practice my golf swing with or push elevator buttons with. I can even use it to point at stuff or poke people and things that don't need/want to be poked. By itself the golf umbrella is quite fun - for me.
When I'm carrying my golf umbrella and a briefcase life sucks. Riding the metro is hard. Answering a buzzing BlackBerry is difficult. Doing anything you need a free hand to pull off is annoying. Why can't there be a simple solution?
Now, I know you're probably saying, "Lose weight fatass and maybe you can carry around a small umbrella like everyone else!" You're right, but you're also wrong. Your solution contains zero percent of the suggested daily amount of fun (that is the gayest thing I have ever written... not that there's anything wrong with that). My suggestion, however, is awesome.
I figured since I treat my golf umbrella like a sword (when my wife isn't watching because she gets pissed if she catches me), why can't I wear it like one? I just need a little sling or ring that hangs off of my belt that I slide my umbrella into when I'm not using it. Like a sword it will hang almost verticle and free up my other hand for other important things like playing Words With Strangers (none of my "friends" can spell well enough to play so I changed the name of the game to more accurately reflect who I'm actually playing with/against).
I know there's a stigma associated with grown men pretending to carry swords. We've all seen "live action role playing" (LARP) and although we secretly want to join them, we know it's to be frowned upon like eating dolphin tacos. I really think this functional fashion revolution could help usher us toward a world where our knightly fantasies will be accepted as equally as our need to dress up in furry costumes and simulate sex acts with strangers in similar costumes (don't agree? even congressmen are into it HERE).
I know it will be a little weird at first, but all things functional eventually catch on. Think about the first guy to wear bifocals. Sure they made fun of him at first... and then all the way up until the 90s, but now - look at glasses now! People who don't even need them wear them! It's like wearing a cast on an unbroken arm! It just took time and people got so used to the idea that it became a fad. A couple hundred years from now people will be walking around with umbrella's strapped to their waists making fun of the idiots who stow them in an outer pocket of their briefcase. I don't know about you, but that's a world I want to live in.
So... who's going to invent this thing so I can start a functional fashion revolution here in the Nation's Capital? Send your idea to firstname.lastname@example.org and I will promptly steal it and give you no credit. Make sure you include a complete set of drawings with your submission.