Brad Kanus

Rush Plus - slower, but better in a way

What are we two weeks into Rush Plus?  Some of the degenerates I know that live in Alexandria are raving about the changes because they can get a Yellow Line train way out in North Carolina where they live.  Orange Line people don't seem to notice anything at all.  I'm not one of those orange line people. 

One thing has changed on the Orange Line - less trains less frequently.  Click on the photos below taken this week and last.

About three or four minutes between trains on the little sign on the left.  At 8:00 a.m. in the past the sign would have on train"ARR" and then trains at two minutes and three minutes after that.  They were literally running one to two minutes apart and at least one of those trains would be packed to the gills while the other two would be a quarter full. 

It seems now that trains come less frequently, but the loads are more evenly distributed.  I have been on an empty train in two weeks, but I also haven't been on a packed one either.  I'm not getting to work any faster or slower, I'm just not having to let one really crowded train pass in order to catch one I can fit on.  I also haven't been a victim of a door problem going to work in the past two weeks.  Coming from work is another story - tourists are out and about at the time.

I'm not sure how I feel overall about the whole situation... I'm indifferent, I guess.

People We Love - Metro Mom of the Year

Came up the stairs at Metro Center and saw this woman with her son attached to her roller duffel.  I wanted to hug her. 

I don't really need to explain to you guys the #1 annoyance on the metro - luggage.  And I don't need to explain the #2 annoyance on the metro - children.  To have this woman handling annoyances #1 and #2 like a pro - awesome beyond comprehension. 

She appeared to be married, so it seems the perfect woman is already off the market.

 

Do you get the impression that when he was smaller she might have stowed him inside the bag for short trips?  Nah, only I would do that.

Note on quality.... iPhone 4 (no "S") so camera/video sucks.  Had to take vertical video because I was pretending to be reading email while shooting.  I don't want to get caught and end up explaining to the Metro Police that I have a blog and that's why I'm filming strangers riding the metro.  They don't seem likely to care about my blog excuse.

Restaurant Review - Cava Mezze again... and again... and again

This blog has a history with the folks over at Cava Mezze.  You might remember THIS.  It was followed by THIS.  Needless to say, Cava Ted probably wasn't planning on sending Brad Kanus a Christmas card this year.  And I wouldn't be surprised if there wasn't a staff bounty for giving me a wedgie or a swirlie if I ever dared to darken their doorway.  Thank God nobody knows what I look like. 

The most important part of all that was written about Cava Mezze on this blog before was the fact that no matter what I thought of the place, my wife would be the one making the decision whether or not we'd go eat there.  She loves the place - as I stated.  We went last Saturday.  So there...  My reviews mean shit in the grand scheme of things.

The wife was craving a couple of their dishes and insisted that we head there early during the Clarendon Baby Hour (Saturday and Sunday before 6:00 p.m. -  same as Clarendon Octogenarian Hour) for some eats and drinks.  I told her that I hadn't been in a donnybrook in ages and didn't yearn to break that streak today.  Then I remembered that she doesn't read my blog and therefore has no idea why the staff at Cava Mezze would want to tenderize me with their fists.  So I dropped my opposition to the idea and pouted about the wasted use of "donnybrook" on a conversation that went nowhere. 

We arrived with the Snot Machine and were guided to a back patio area that couldn't have been better suited for dining with a toddler.  It's a shaded and roomy almost completely enclosed courtyard.  Great for any time of the day dining and even better for  private events.  Do check it out.

Things were looking surprisingly good since I gauged from where we were sitting that the kid would have to throw food items pretty far to bother other people and that acoustics were favorable to dampening her random brain shattering screams.  For once daddy needed a drink in celebration of going out to dinner with the Snot Machine, not to cope with going out to dinner with the Snot Machine.

With menus in hand we were immediately greeted by Adam Levine.   Okay, not the Adam Levine, but a guy who looked just like him, but better looking.   Adam Levine if he had decent biceps and a notepad...  I'm secure in with my masculinity - I don't mind admitting that even I thought the guy was better than average looking.  Should I have given him my number?  No, but neither should my wife have either!  Just kidding - I'm not gay and I didn't give him my number... Not sure if my wife did or not - she paid and it took a long time to sign her name (how long does it take to sign "Janis Kanus?")

(Just a note to men out there: Adam Levine is that guy who sings most of those annoying pop songs you hate and the guy your girlfriend/wife thinks of when you are engaged in sexual congress.)

We'll call the waiter "Cava Levine" because I didn't catch his name - I was too busy admiring his perfectly scruffy, but precisely arranged beard.  At this point it didn't really matter what the food was like for my wife.  Cave Levine could bring my wife a plate of worms covered in spiders and she'd love it - because Cava Levine brought it. 

Cava Levine is a very effective tool for separating women from their money without them noticing.  It think they know it too because they kept seating giggling groups of girls on the back patio where Cava Levine was working.  Had Cava Levine had a guitar and a talent for John Mayer knock-offs - bras and panties would have been flying (no, not mine assholes).  Do go just to see Cava Levine - the most beautiful man in Clarendon.

Now to the food.

If you read the other reviews, you'll know that I hate Mezze/Tapas/Midget Appetizers for a myriad of reasons, but the biggest being the requirement that you share your food.  I did not become a disgusting fatass by sharing my food.  Mezze is against my food outlook on food - MINE! I WILL BITE YOU IF YOU TOUCH IT!

The atmosphere on the patio helped me relax and try to open my mind a little.  Besides, it was the day before Father's Day - if I dropped $300 on what I wanted to eat, nobody (my wife) was in a position to complain.  I'm 20 percent sure I'm that baby's father and I'm entitled to one day a year of being an asshole without recourse.  

My wife's biggest craving - and the reason we ended up there - was for a dish not even touched by fire.  A cold dish.  What I thought would be a dull dish. 

You see, I don't always eat Tapas, but when I do - it's hot meat of some kind.  Salsa is not food - it doesn't even count as an appetizer, or against your Weight Watchers points.  Ditto for chopped up olives or other oily vegetable nominally placed in front of you to chew on while you decide how you're going to get your eat on!  That sentence is an indication I was trying way too hard there.  Please disregard the entire effort.

I was wrong about this dish.  It's called "Crazy Feta" and it comes with little straight jacket-shaped pita bread and is arranged on the plate to resemble Charles Manson.  Just kidding!  Or am I?

The Crazy Feta is quite simple,  but tastes like how dating Cava Levine would feel - amazing.  It's aged barrel feta with jalapeno whipped together to make the best "dip and chat" cold appetizer I've ever had.  It's good - really really good.  The feta is salty, creamy and shows signs of it's brine - it's good feta, not the shit Giant sells.  That salty creamy texture is livened with bits of stout jalapenos and cream.  Hot, salty, tangy and hard to stop eating.  Oh, and let me be clear - it's actually hot.  It's not some wimpy little dish with pantywaist peppers meant to give people a false confidence in their ability to ingest spicy food.  It's actually hot enough to make it enjoyable.  There are three ingredients in this masterpiece and you'll recognize them all in every bite - exactly how it should be.  If you happen to be sitting at the bar just for drinks - do yourself a favor and spend the $7 on this plate.

While we snacked on the Crazy Feta we ordered alcohol.  I'm not going to get into the drinks thing because it's a pretty simple thing to get right.  Their wine list covers the taste and price point of their clientele.  Their beer selection is on par with most every other place in Clarendon.  I ordered beer and a bottle of wine because that's how I roll.  In fact, I ordered like five beers and we downed two bottles of wine and sold our kid to a meth addict for $20 and a bottle of Thunderbird.  Only part of that sentence is true - you decide.  No matter the truth - the price was right for what we consumed and we were satisfied.

In a strategy that could have only been aimed at seeing Cava Levine as frequently as possible, my wife ordered the next few dishes one at a time.  I didn't mind, the kid and I were completely engrossed in a newly released Dora the Explorer episode on my iPhone - the delay would allow us to finish the episode and discuss the different plot lines we would have taken. 

First came the orzo because we wanted the kid to share in the feast.  Perfectly cooked, spiced  strategically so that it's more than just pasta impersonating rice and absolutely a great partner to the Crazy Feta.  Yes, the baby liked it too.  

Then came the Braised Lamb Shank in a tomato risotto.  My wife happens to be a lamb connoisseur and she loved it.  I loved it.  The kid never got a chance to love it.  We inhaled that plate like we were being timed.  The lamb was so tender it was hard to tell it texture wise from the risotto.  I don't have to go into further detail - simply order it and enjoy it.  

And that's all I can reliably remembers given this has taken so long to write... shit.  I know we ate some other stuff and we loved it, but I can't really recall everything and I don't want to lie to you.  I tried to ask my wife, but she reminded that I'm only allowed to ask her questions on Thursdays (don't ask). So that's it.  That's all I have.  Sorry if this isn't the traditional way of ending a restaurant review, but what did you expect from me?

Hot guys, spicy cheese, lamb and orzo - it's all at Cava Mezze in Clarendon.  Go there when you get a chance and avoid anything "on the rocks" they charge for ice.   

Check them out http://cavamezze.com/locations/clarendon.

Interns on the Metro - SHUT UP!

Part of this is not your fault, interns.  Society's soft politically correct hands have let you get a little too big for your britches.  All interns should be subject to the exact speech given in the following video link before they are unleashed on the rest of us.  Please be warned that the video clip is Not Safe For Work, offensive, politically incorrect and most importantly - awesome.  Click HERE. 

I know being in the big city for your internship is pretty damn cool.  Hell, it's the first time since you started college that you are involved in an activity where pajamas are frowned upon.  Big things are happening to you. You're a rock star in your shining moment and you want to share it with the world. Do the rest of us a favor and keep it to yourself while you're on the metro - please. 

You guys probably didn't notice when you got on the train today that everyone was playing the Quiet Game.  You didn't notice because you couldn't be bothered to shut your mouth long enough to observe your surroundings and figure it out.  Something you should be doing a lot of during your internship, but won't. 

You see, nobody likes hearing you tell your intern friends your intern stories with your intern voice at an intern volume with your intern lingo created by your tiny little intern brain.  You are disrupting our ride and embarrassing yourself.  Stop it. 

Want to impress people in DC?  Shut up.  Interns like children are to be bought and sold at auction seen, not heard.  

This advice has been free - you will not receive a bill.  

Things to do this week - June 25, 2012

Every Monday we provide a list of things we think you should do this week.  Without goals there would be no failure and thus nothing for us to make fun of. 

1. I'm not even going to promise to write an open letter to the airline industry this week... which means it will get done.

2. I am finishing the new Cava Mezze review and starting on a great place in Cleveland Park - Pulpo.

3. We will examine why fat people ride bikes - correlation vs. causation. 

4. Is Rush Plus working after a week?

5. We'll examine how a destabilized Middle East coupled with severe trouble for the Euro spells big problems for Latin American economies and their respective governments.

6. Ignore #5 because it's not remotely interesting or funny.

7. Explore the possibility of creating the Great DC Queso Index in a quest to crown the local queso king. 

This Week on Craigslist #7

 It's been a while - here's a half-assed list of the funny stuff.  Once again, the crazies are in the personals. 

Missed Connections

Chick-fil-A Intern at State Dept - m4w - 34 - (Ballston Mall) - Either you're  a terrible writer or thats the coolest internship I have ever heard of.

At Northside Social - m4w - 26 - (Ballston) - Northside Social isn't in Ballston, asshole.

Diagonal/King St Beautiful Dress, and I told you so- Suntrust bank! - m4w - 52 - (Alexandria) - You're 52 and trolling Craigslist - I'm sure she started digging for her mace the moment you started talking to her.

blonde Russian girl on red-line - m4w - (red-line) - Can't decide if this intentionally funny or just a coincidence that none of you get. 

I was drooling over you at BGR Wednesday - w4m - (RIO) - Hence the reason he didn't talk to you.

Blonde w/Freckles, In Shorts - m4w - (Alexandria) - Women love it when you point out their freckles!  Were there not any moles or zits to bring to her attention in this post as well?

 Around 5'1ish, brownish hair, big chested, girl next door face - m4w - (orange line) - "big chested" is still taken as "huge tits" when read by women - FYI. 

The cop who took my hand - w4m - (Georgetown) - That's not nice. I hope he gives it back.

Women Seeking Men

SWF sub - 26 - (Fairfax) - Not my kind of sandwich. 

 strap on curiosity? - 29 - (woodley) - No. 

in search of some body to hang out with - 26 - (Mt Rainier) - Funny how one little space between words can turn you into a necrophiliac.

Seeking fellow space nerd to attend the John Glenn Lecture with me - (Air & Space Museum) - Forgot to mention the post lecture party in his mom's basement.

Need a Date for George Thorogood or Joe Walsh - 50 - (Northern VA) - You'd think those guys could afford match.com.

Men Seeking Women

✤ Any Trail Runners? ✤ - 40 - (Great Falls) - It's easier to hide your body if we're already in the woods. 

I'm sexy and I know it.... - (nova) - And that's likely your biggest issue.

Lunch and possible makeout session? - 34 - (Arlington/Rosslyn) - Let's stuff our faces and then lick each other's mouths clean!  Irresistible, I'm sure. 

Just your average guy - 43 - (silver spring/Aspen Hill) - How can a woman resist that pitch? Not in sales, are you?

WANTED: Kissing teacher - 29 - (Arlington, VA) - WANTED: Rapist claiming he needs kissing lessons.

Beach walking which I do best... - 25 - (arlington) - Holy shit - Yoda has an ad.

Fireplace Massage - m4w - 38 - (Arlington, Fairfax, DC, Alexandria) - Keep your hands off my fireplace, creep.

I'm looking for a woman who believes people can change - 45 - (College Park, MD.) - It's all in the way you accent the word "felon" that makes it easier to accept.

 Free Massage - m4w - 36 - (Ashburn) - The ensuing rape is going to cost you, though.

A BLACKBERRY HAS BEEN LOST & FOUND - Possibly Not True

"A BLACKBERRY HAS BEEN LOST & FOUND" was the subject line for an email sent around the office.  Some may have a quibble with that declaration.  I do.

First of all, you put things that you find and aren't yours in the "lost and found."  I guess technically someone lost their Blackberry (BB from here on out) and somebody found it and gave it to the person who sent this email out... so yes, it was lost and found.  The ultimate goal is to have its status to be "lost and claimed."  That's if you believe it was "lost" in the first place.

It's a BB - there's a better than average chance somebody threw it in frustration and decided not to go pick it up.  It wouldn't be "lost" at that point, it would be "discarded."  There's a big difference between the two.  Things I value and can not find are  "lost."  Things I hate because they are caveman technology are "discarded" in the hopes our IT department gets the recurring hint and switch platforms. 

There's a happy ending to the story (not really if you think about the person who has to use the piece of shit for a while longer before the company tanks) was sent in another email.

"THE BLACKBERRY HAS BEEN RETURNED TO ITS OWNER"

Because we needed to know that... Had I not been made aware of this, I would not have slept tonight. 

Great Craigslist Ad - Clever Devil

In the big city you use Craigslist for everything from prostitution to prostitution  furniture.  People are strange and they post some crazy stuff.  Luckily people send me that stuff. 

Today I got an email from a person who clicked on the "volunteers" link hoping to see if there were charities looking for Marine Corp. Marathon runners.  The first listing read:

sex addicts can talk about there problem - (vienna)

Besides the obvious use of the wrong "their" it seems innocent enough.  Okay, not at all.  If you click on the post it reads:

"for the weman who are addicted to sex we can talk about it"

So much for the formalities associated with an actual support group... This guy lets it be known that he'll talk to you about your problem - if you're a "weman." 

I suppose he's just being nice and just wants to talk. He's got no hidden agenda at all.  He's not a bar tender leading an AA meeting at all - just a guy looking to help some "weman" who are addicted to sex. 

I'm laughing my ass off at this, but I'm sure you don't see it as being as funny as I do.  I've always had this question about sex addict support groups in real life.  What possible worse therapy format could someone come up with?  Well, other than having heroin addicts meet in a poppy field.  You've got ten horned up people who are like minded and they sit around talking about how horny they are... I just don't see how  they don't all leave and go have sex with each other given their propensity to do such things with complete strangers who share their sex drive and willingness to take risks... boggles my mind.  This ad is a caricature of what I imagine the whole thing is like.

Never mind, go back to work - I'm just weird.

Rush Plus - Actually Slower Now

I know it's only day one of Rush Plus and I should at least let them have a few years to work out the kinks in their stupid idea, but I don't have that kind of time.  Besides, if it's actually making things worse, people should know about it.

Bottom line - when I got to the platform at Court House at 8:05 the trains were running five minutes or more apart.  They're usually lined up two minutes or one minute apart.  So that's not cool.

As usual everybody stuffed into the the lead train and the one right behind it was pretty much empty.  However, with the trains actually spread out five minutes apart, the platform actually filled up enough to make that train 75 percent full when it left.  It was interesting because I think the longer interval between trains helped keep there from being one train in three with nobody on it. 

During the time I was on the platform, Orange Line trains headed to Vienna (west) were arriving a minute apart completely empty - literally entire cars with nobody on them.  I was perplexed by this, but then quickly figured it out - the new schedule sent a ton of trains east before 8:00 and they were all returning now and after Metro Center they had nobody looking for a ride.  What a waste - they miss the entire  8:00 to 8:30 rush. 

I got to work later than usual due to a lot of waiting for trains ahead of us taking for ever to clear the platform.  I'm not sure if it was just one train with a bad driver or what, but we had a lot of "stand clear, train is moving" announcements that were followed with nine feet of rail advancement.  

I have to say that I developed a metro crush on this really cute goverment employee chick with a Bonnaroo bracelet who told this asshole trying to rush the door before train stopped at Farragut to chill out and wait.  The moron had luggage and was worried he couldn't make it four feet to the door and decided to endanger everyone by trying to push through before we even go to the platform.  She put him in his place and  my heart melted!  Who knew hippie chicks could turn on the bitch when needed? 

I will admit - the Bonnaroo bracelet threw me at first because I'm a fan of the Ben & Jerry's ice cream flavor of the same name, not the concert.  I didn't put two and two together until I remembered that Bonnaroo was a concert and it's likely they made some deal with the ice cream hippies.  It was kind of cool for a minute to think she loved a Ben & Jerry's flavor that much, though.  So... there was one good thing about Rush Plus today...

Things to do this week - June 18, 2012

Every Monday we provide a list of things we think you should do this week.  Without goals there would be no failure and thus nothing for us to make fun of. 

1.   I really really need to write that open letter to the airline industry this week. 

2.  I have yet another review of Cava Mezze.

3.  Keep an eye out for Rush Plus - I have not seen it yet. 

4.  Try to read the City Paper if you get a chance... I can't bring myself to do it.

5.  Somebody tell my wife that this isn't the time of year to drive to North Carolina for just a couple of days.  It may take two days to get there.

6.  "Walk it back" and "punt" are words we hate this week - look for  me to ruin your future use of them on Wednesday.

How my gym locker room taught me about the crap women must endure from men

As I've often noted on this blog - I'm a disgusting fatass.  However, I do workout almost every day in hopes that something magic will happened and my body will only pay attention to my lethargic workouts and not the three sandwiches from Jimmy John's I eat after them.   I am that stereotypical guy who works out and never sees any positive changes.  Always in the gym - always fat. 

The Jimmy John's anecdote is true, by the way.  On Tuesday of this week I had a Hunter's Club, BLT and a slim ham and cheese (treated the ham and cheese with Hellman's mayo packets I have stashed in my desk pantry - always steal them if you can).  When my wife asked why lunch was so expensive I told her I bought two interns lunch.  That was a stupid move on my part. We don't have interns where I work and I had to invent two college students out of thin air when my wife asked me details about the lunch.  Now I'm having to invent an entire summer's worth of stories about two nonexistent interns so that I don't get caught lying about a $15 lunch.  FML.

Anywho...

When I work out at lunch I have to use the gym's locker room.  Pretty normal deal in most places, but not in DC.  It's no secret that DC is the gayest place on earth.  Per capita there are more homosexual men in DC than anywhere else in the United States.  There's not a thing wrong with that and I'm actually proud to live in such a diverse community. HOWEVER, it also means you have to deal with the fact that you might be pursued by a man, and that's something that is very foreign to a Texas boy like me. 

I'm very modest in the locker room.  I've got nothing to be proud of and thus nothing to show off.  I stop just short of wrapping a towel around my clothed body and taking my pants off and putting on my shorts under the cover so that nobody laughs, or gets sick.  I wear my wedding ring and make sure I do whatever it takes to show everyone that I'm not trolling for steam room shenanigans - shenanigans we all know happen in DC gym locker rooms (God I hope women do the same things in their locker room... in my mind they do). 

I'm not interested and that doesn't matter because men are pigs.

These guys don't care that I'm married (some say it's actually a turn on) or that I'm not fit, they still sit there and stare waiting for me get undressed.  They follow me around pretending to brush their hair in the mirror next to me or enter the shower next to mine after they've clearly already showered.  They'll chat me up while I'm trying to get dressed and they're wearing nothing but flip flops - naked and free as a toddler in an Arkansas Wal-Mart.  In the weight room the constant - incessant staring and coincidental meetings at every single machine or water fountain continue along with empty chat about my workout and what schedule I'm on.  The whole thing just creeps me out and makes me generally uncomfortable.  So much so, I now make an effort to go to the gym at 11:00 a.m. so that I beat the crowd.   It's terrible. 

So the other day when I was staring a hole through some poor coed on the metro I realized that I'm the same kind of asshole as the guys in my gym locker room.  It hit me like a ton of bricks.  I had done every single little annoying thing those men in the gym had done, but I had done them to women - pretty much since I figured out that getting cooties was a small price to pay to touch some boobies. 

It was pretty disturbing to realize I had made women feel like that before.  It's just so creepy how we stare and hover and pant like dogs every time a woman crosses her legs, bends over or faces a gust of wind in a dress.  We stand too close, make stupid idle conversation and go out of our way to force interactions.  Our advances are so sexually driven that any claim to the contrary is just plain laughable.  We are terrible!

What's worse is that I only get exposed to this at the gym from time to time.  Women get this treatment all day every day wherever they go.  Now I know why they are in a shitty mood most of the time - they tired of our BS stalking behavior. 

It's a real eye-opener when it happens to you.  You really get a sense of what you put people through.  With that said - I'm not going to stop.  There's a real chance that that girl's blouse may pop open during hard stop on the metro and I'll be damned if I'm going to miss it.  Married guys don't get much in the way of excitement - we gotta seek it out and make sure we don't miss it.

Please send your hate mail to bradkanus@gmail.com.  

Riding the bus still sucks - some things never change

I took the bus to work yesterday.  Actually, I took the bus to within about a half mile of where I work yesterday(we'll get to that).  It's something I'll never do again, but I will gladly share with you my experience for your education and entertainment. 

Let's start with my bus history so you can see that I do have some frame of reference (unlike Donny - who didn't have any)(Big Lebowski reference - three points for me - mark it zero for you).

I used to take the Loser Cruiser to work back in 2001/2002 when I lived in the city and it was the only alternative to walking to work.  I took a bus from Mount Pleasant down 16th to Eye Street every day for a year.  It was an exciting route because there were several half-way houses on the route and the crazy people who needed daily supervision were always on the bus when I was going to work.  Needless to say, I saw some crazy shenanigans in those days. 

Having walked by the bus stop on Lee Highway (that's in Virginia) near my house a million times on my way to the metro, I finally looked up the information on the bus serving that stop.  Lo and behold the 3Y bus actually went from that bus stop (so much closer than the metro) all the way downtown near my office.  And if you believe the WMATA website, it's only a twenty minute trip!

Turns out that WMATA lies.  Who knew?

I waddled my fat ass out there at 8:00 a.m. thinking that even if I waited for ten or fifteen minutes I'd still make it to work by 8:45.  Here's how the waiting went.

8:03 a.m. -  Optimistic - enjoying my above ground commuting experience in the cool morning air.

8:04 a.m. - Realize the bus shelter doubles as a bathroom even though it has clear plexiglass on all sides.  Somebody doesn't get the concept.

8:05 a.m. - Ask young lady next to me when she thinks the bus will arrive.  She ignores me.

8:06 a.m. - Catch a glimpse of young lady's text to a friend and see the words "potential rapist" on the screen.

8:10 - Try to pull up WMATA website on my phone.

8:15 - No bus in sight and starting to wonder if this is going to work out at all. 

8:20 - WMATA site partially loaded on phone.

8:25 - A metro bus pulls up, but it's a 3B, not a 3y.   I'm hoping I don't have to wait the entire alphabet of buses before I can get a ride.

8:30 - I'm pacing in front of the bus shelter like a madman determined to wait this thing out.  I am convinced that I can "win" by staying there until the bus shows up.  I am obviously completely delusional at this point.

8:32 - Bus arrives.  I nearly shit myself with excitement and triumph.

Twenty minutes my ass! I was already 30 minutes into this ordeal and I had not left the spot I started from! Things were not looking good and getting worse by the minute.

The bus was packed.  Standing room only and my fat ass was hanging over the sacred yellow line next to the driver.  I was pretty sure the driver was going to yell at me, but he refrained from doing so and I did my best to stay as much on my side of the line as possible. 

The crowd was a nice a crowd.  Much different from the crazies I rode with in DC years ago.  To be honest - a better crowd than the usual metro folks I ride with on the Orange Line.  They were also dead quiet.  Not a word from anyone.  It was pretty nice to see that many people abiding by the unwritten rules (soon to be written by me) of mass transit. 

The ride down Lee Highway to DC wasn't bad.  It wasn't spectacularly quick, but it wasn't as slow as it could be.  When we got to the Roosevelt bridge, that's when time stood still.  Mind you it's about 8:45 a.m. at this point and I've been on this trip for more than double the time WMATA promised. 

At about 9:05 a.m. we had made it into the city and in front of the Department of Interior - where we'd stay for the next 15 minutes.  I just sat there staring at the people coming and going out of that building and pondering the shocking number of government workers who still smoke (who smokes when they're not in Vegas these days?).  Eventually we left E Street and took a left on 19th where we became stationary for another 15 minutes... It was now 9:35 a.m. and I had been on this journey for an hour and a half.  I live exactly four miles from the White House.  I can walk there in well under an hour.  I can run there in less than 30 minutes.  I can't bike there because bikes are for children and I am not a child (at least physically I'm not).

I got off at F Street and walked all the way to the other side of the White House to my office.  It took me a grand total of ten minutes... it was the fastest I had moved all morning long.  I was supposed to get off at K and 14th - can you imagine how long it would have taken to get there?

My boss caught me coming in late and asked me in a sarcastic tone "what, did you take the f*cking bus today?"  I told him I did and he told me that he thought that I was smarter than that.  I thought I was too... I was wrong.

Taking the bus is not for people who have some place to be at a certain time.  The metro isn't either, but the bus is much much worse.  Something that large just can't move through downtown traffic fast enough to be worth relying on. 

I did like being above ground for the ride, though.  It was kind of nice.  And being able to get off the bus at anytime was kind of cool as well.  You could bail anytime you thought you needed to, which is always a good option to have.  Try to leave a metro car between stations and see what happens to your happy ass then.   However, that convenience isn't enough to overcome the length of the entire trip.  It just takes way too long to get anywhere.

Sorry metro bus - I will not be riding you again.  No second date for us.  Just a kind "thanks, but no thanks" parting is what we'll have.  Good bye my large, smelly slow friend - it was not nice while it lasted. 

People We Hate/Restaurant Review - District Taco RIPPED ME OFF

Last week I half-ass sang District Taco's praises - at least for their F Street location.  This week I went back to try actual tacos and get more of their queso and I was screwed over like a chump. Here's my story. 

It's raining today so there wasn't a line out the door, which was nice.  The line still took forever.  I blame this on people not knowing how to order or what to order.  No matter - it still kind of sucked, but I had high hopes for the food. 

I ordered - it was a pretty simple order.  I asked for two chicken tacos on flour tortillas with sour cream, cheese and pico de gallo.  I also asked for a "large chips and queso."  I said "large" because they have a small personal queso that is a quarter of the size and half the price.  I wanted the big one because I was going to share with others in my office (bullshit, I was going to eat the whole damn thing by myself, but my story to my wife is that I was sharing).  The cashier confirmed I wanted the $5.50 queso and chips, not the personal queso and chips for $2.50.  We were set and the price I paid reflected what I ordered.  I got my number/object with its name in Spanish.  In this case I had the number 40 and a church (la iglesia). 

I sat out of the way and watched other piggish customers load up at the salsa bar.  There's nothing like free shit to drive DC people wild.  One woman must have made 25 little containers of salsa while I watched and put them in her purse.  Insanity. 

Pretty soon a woman was meekishly (not a real word) calling my number aloud.  I thought "that was fast!"  Not so.  The cashier didn't indicate what "protein" I wanted on my taco and the kitchen needed to know the answer.  Look at my receipt -  Download Taco rip-off.  Sure enough - the genuis taking the order left off the most important part of the equation.  I'm pretty sure the cure for cancer isn't rolling around in that asshole's head if can't get that task right.  Don't ask him to do anything complicated like count change...  Nevermind. 

I figured that once the taco protein situation was squared away that things would be alright.  I was wrong.  I was wrong like 70s vehicle design wrong.  And I wouldn't know it until it was too late.

It's a pretty hectic scene in there because the layout sucks and the order delivery system sucks  So when my number did get called and my order was delivered, there really was no time to sit and go through the bag to check and make sure they did what they're supposed to do.  Besides, I shouldn't have to check their work - it's not my job.  I have to believe that they're capable of delivering me what I ordered because that's half the battle in the restaurant business. 

I slogged through the rain as fast as I could behind a gaggle of assholes who apparently thought it was a sunny Sunday afternoon in Mobile, Alabama (walking slower than southerners talk is what I'm getting at here).  I got to my office just in time to inhale the food and get to my next meeting.  I was in a word - "excited."  I was trying to clap and open the bag at the same time because I was that excited.  Too bad they shit on my picnic.

When I got the bag open the queso container was tiny.  So tiny in fact that I laughed out loud.  Who would ever want this little dab of queso?  I figured it was a joke or they just put my large queso order in a bunch of small containers because they ran out of the big ones.  WRONG.  That was all the f*cking queso in the f*cking bag.  Do you remember at the end of Braveheart when William Wallace is being tortured to death and screams out in pain?  I did that, but louder.  For at least a minute longer.  And things just got worse from there.

I unwrapped the tacos to find that one had sour cream, cheese and chicken - no pico de gallo.  The other one just had sour cream and chicken - that's it - no cheese and no pico de gallo.  Not only did they f*ck up my tacos - they couldn't even f*ck them up consistently.  They literally suck at sucking.  They are bad at being bad. They are shitty at being shitty.  They are crappy... you get the idea. 

At this point I had to make a choice.  I could blow-off my meeting with the corner office folks and march over to District Taco and demand they make things right (read: lose my job, but get to have a very public meltdown)... Or I could sit there like a little bitch, eat my tacos and forget about it.  It wasn't until one second later that I remembered that I have a blog with literally tens of readers, and you have what you have here now.

I paid exactly $11.00 for this wallet raping, soul crushing lesson in honesty and integrity and how the taco industry obviously has neither (Download Card receipt).  

 They gave me the $2.25 queso.  I paid for the $5.50 queso.  I figure not a lot of people get the big queso so the people in the kitchen don't pay much attention to what is written on the order.  Maybe they're just confused because the menu doesn't really do a good job of designating between the two sizes of queso.  Either way - I got ripped off by lazy staff and shitty management. 

The messed up taco order didn't cost me anything because the toppings were included in the price of each $2.25 taco.  However, it's just a laziness not to get it right and I'm pissed I paid for their half-assed effort.  Had they got the queso order right and the tacos wrong, I would have been okay just dipping the screwed up tacos in the queso as a consolation prize.  The thimble sized container of queso they gave me was too small to even contemplate that move.   Here's a picture of the offending queso container -  View this photo.

I know what you're thinking - "Well, Brad it was only a couple of bucks, less than 25 percent of the bill - what's the big deal?"   I'll tell you what the big deal is.  My wife hates it when I spend money on lunch.  HATES IT!  So when I decide to go purchase lunch I'm doing so knowing I'm going to get my ass reamed by that lovely lady who shares a room and a child with me.  No sooner than I had left the front door of District Taco with my messed up order I already had a text message from my wife asking me "WTF are u doing buying lunch dipshit?"  So it really pisses me off when I put my ass on the line for some queso and District Taco doesn't come through! Can you imagine what she'd do to me if she found out I got ripped off?  I have to lie to cover my ass and in turn cover District Taco's ass and I really don't want to do that, but divorces are expensive and I'm not good at dating, so I'll do it. 

But District Taco will stand judged by the DC blog lurkers who come upon this post and I hope they feel the pain I have felt today (they won't - they have access to all the queso they could ever want already). 

Things to do this week - June 11, 2012

Every Monday we provide a list of things we think you should do this week.  Without goals there would be no failure and thus nothing for us to make fun of. 

1. Seriously... write that open letter to the airline industry you promised to write two weeks ago.

2. Set the world on fire.

3. Bitch about the heat.

4. Watch out for those interns - they're coming!

5. Intern abuse is a crime... who knew?

6. Take the bus - I'm going to try it for the first time in a long time this week. Wish me luck.

Unsuck DC Metro incorrectly dings WMATA for rider's stupidity

I like Unsuck DC Metro a lot.  I read everything they post with interest because I often learn something.  I also enjoy the fact that they are pretty much dedicated to holding WMATA accountable and WMATA knows it.  When they speak, WMATA listens.  However, yesterday I thought they done goofed on a post and I have to call them out on it. 

Unsuck DC Metro had a post yesterday titled "Lurching: A Created Danger?" and it was a continuation of their past complaints about trains jerking forward - allegedly - without warning.  I was a little surprised that the folks at Unsuck DC Metro pursued WMATA on this instead of offering the obvious solution (that we'll get to in a minute) to their readers. 

The issue is simple - often conductors pull up short of their spot on the platform and are forced to move the train a very short distance to rectify the situation.  For some reason the train doesn't move slowly  and smoothly forward for short distances.  As many of you know it jerks forward with the force of a space shuttle launch and then abruptly stops.  It's quite amazing how many "Gs" they can generate in eight feet of train advancement.

At Unsuck DC Metro they point to the danger this maneuver poses to riders who aren't properly warned that it's about to take place.  They say the conductors almost never warn the riders.  My experience is different on the Orange line.  I'd say 99 percent of the time they do announce the short shuttle launch before it happens.  They may have a different experience on whatever line they ride - that's entirely possible and I won't quibble with them over that.  However, the warning doesn't really matter if you're a perceptive, smart metro rider - which most of you are not. 

The key to not being thrown across the train when it suddenly leaps forward ten feet is to use the handrails provided all around the train car to hold on.  I know - it's such a simple solution that I don't know why no one else thought of it before today.  I'm not sure I'll get a Nobel Peace prize for this, but a pat on the back could be in my future. 

You see, I learned early on that the trains are rather unpredictable and that unless those doors are open, the train could move at any moment - announced or unannounced.  I'm not the asshole who has to run to the door as the train enters the station to be the first one off.  That asshole doesn't think he can make it to the door after the train stops in the thirty seconds or more allotted by the conductor.  He doesn't think he can make it ten feet in a minute... let's hope he doesn't run marathons. 

And because assholes who must get to the door before the train stops are in transit from their once secure position to the door, they're not usually holding on when the train occasionally shoots forward at the speed of light.  They get thrown back into strangers because they're impatient and imperceptive dicks.  I often see people properly holding on and following the unwritten rules of the metro injured by these morons who aren't holding on.  Three weeks ago I saw a huge dude annihilate this woman's foot because he couldn't be bothered to wait for the train to stop before heading to the door.  The train pulled up short and he was thrown in to her because he chose not to hold onto to the rails until the doors opened.  Her day was ruined thanks to an asshole. 

I can't say it enough - warning or no warning if you're holding until after the doors open, you'll be fine.  It's your responsibility to be alert and defend yourself against WMATA's general crappiness. 

I did read on the post from Unsuck DC Metro about one whiny little baby's account of his girlfriend smacking her face on a pole when the train lurched forward.  She was holding on, but she was holding on incorrectly.  She was likely body f*cking the pole instead of simply gripping it with her hand at arm's length.  Her face should  have never been close enough to the pole to smack in the first place and there's a couple reasons for that.  The first reason is that the pole is disgusting Zudipus lollipop!  People's nasty ass hands are all over that thing all day - why the hell would you put your face within three feet of it?  Second, no matter what, your body and everything attached to your body is going to move roughly a foot or so when the train moves - even if you are holding on tightly.  Please plan accordingly and give yourself space between objects harder than your face.   Think of the whole "is your hand bigger than your face" trick when figuring out how you're going to hold on.   And for God's sake stop humping the poles - this isn't a Good Guys audition!

The other major offenders in this situation are those who listen to music on the metro.  The have their earbuds in and can't hear the conductor make the announcement that the train is moving forward.  They're always taken by surprise when the train launches forward three feet and it shoots them ten.  I know that most of the time the conductor has nothing of interest to say, but every once in a while he gives you a little pertinent piece of advice you might want to hear.  Just watch the people on the metro with headphones on when  you go home tonight - clueless assholes.  Don't be one yourself - turn the music down and listen. 

Bottom line - metro trains are going to lurch.  If you hold on to the rails properly until the doors are open, you'll never have a problem (other than motion sickness) with lurching.  Act like an asshole - and you might break your ankle or someone else's.  Don't be an asshole - hold on. 

Stop Having the Same Shitty DC Event - STOP IT NOW!

I was at yet another craptastic charity ball/event/gala/whatever you want to call it this weekend and I hit my breaking point.  I can't do it anymore and I can't let you be the next person to hit their breaking point.  I can no longer stand by and let these atrocities go on any longer.  

I go to way too many of these terrible events.  I have done as many as 30 in a year and I average 15.  Most of them suck in the exact same ways, which makes my job here pretty easy.  

It should be noted that my wife does this crap for a living (kinda) and in no way thinks I'm correct with any of my suggestions.  In fact - she thinks I'm wrong about everything, so just assume that's her position from here on out.

Registration

This should not be in any way shape or form like the DMV.  Too often it is.  Long lines filled with people who have no idea WTF is going on or why it's taking so damn long to do something so very simple.  

First of all, get rid of the computers.  The average asshole stuck doing registration duty is not a good enough user of Excel to quickly and efficiently look people up and check them off.  People paying a lot of money to attend your event don't need to sit there waiting while Timmy Ten Thumbs pushes the down arrow a million times because he's laptop retarded and doesn't know how to scroll using a track pad.  Paper is bad for the environment and awesome for event check-ins.  It's faster to swish through five pages of paper than it is to key through a spreadsheet on a laptop.

 Second, your smartest volunteers should be at check-in.  Stupid volunteers can be relegated to carrying things while your smart volunteers interact with the people who write the checks.  If someone is spending $10,000  for a table at your event - don't let the first person they see that night be your top dipshit. 

Third, send out credentials before the event starts.  You'll have check-in 75 percent completed before the event even starts and you can refocus your efforts elsewhere.  It also helps with events where there are auctions and you need people's credit card info on file.  They can also peruse the items before the event and decide where they want to spend their money.

Fourth, if you are doing an auction - make that registration table separate.  Most of the people are only there for the free food and booze, don't make them pretend they're going to bid on something when it's obvious they're not going to.  It's a waste of time.

Cocktail Reception

This is where most events start losing people.  I've walked out of three events in the last three months because the hosts couldn't get this part of the party right.

If you're going to have an open bar, do not pull the shitty little trick of having one bar with one old slow man serving drinks.  We all know the game - you want people to come so you put "open bar" on the invitation.  However, you don't want to pay the price for all the drinks the lushes you invited will drink so you make sure getting a drink is a slow painful process.  People who can afford to drink quickly catch onto your game and they will leave.  This is bad for events where you have auctions - if all the people with money leave because they'd rather go across the street to a bar and have a drink without the wait, then you're left with only the people who showed up for the free shit and God knows they won't bid on your donated trips to Bali. 

Go ahead and have a cash bar - I shelled out a grand for two tickets to your event, I think I can afford to buy a few drinks as well.  Just make sure there are plenty of bars and the people standing behind them know what they're doing.   It's also better for the cause if their bottom line isn't eaten up by the open bar tab.  People who are enticed to attend your event by free booze are likely not the people you want there anyway.  They came to consume, not donate. 

Dinner

YOU SHOULD NEVER HAVE A SIT DOWN DINNER!  EVER! There should never be a "dinner" of any kind - heavy hors d'oeuvres and that's it.  Here's why.

Have you ever noticed that they have to shut down the cocktail reception bars, send 80 waiters out with those stupid hand held xylophone-looking thingies and eventually start begging people over the PA system to come and sit down for dinner?  At every event they plead with people to find their seats, but why?  Because nobody wants to stop mingling to go sit down in silence over crappy food for an hour and a half while a bunch of blowhards pat themselves on the back.

The first problem is the food.  Nobody looks forward to "rubber chicken" dinners at these events.  The fact is that no dinner prepared for more than 20 people is ever good.  It's mass produced crap.  You know it, and I know it.  No one has ever left an event at a hotel and said "that's the best meal I have ever had."  In fact - everybody goes out to dinner after the event because they didn't want to touch the crap they were served.  Why would you reward someone who gave you thousands of dollars of their hard earned money with a shitty dinner?  That makes no sense.  Do you think the high dollar donors you so desperately need at your event like eating luke warm chicken and overcooked fish product? I doubt it. 

Another problem with the sit down dinner is that there's always someone at the table with some special food need - whether it be that  they are a vegetarian or have food allergies - and they don't get their plate until everyone else is getting desert.  It never works out and it's just awkward for everyone.  I have a vegetarian coworker who attends a lot of these event with me and she has never had her special meal come out on time.  It ruins the event for her every time.

The second major problem with sit down dinners is that they are a part of a plan to create a captive audience for the organizers who want nothing more in life than to stand on a stage and blabber on and on about themselves.  Nobody looks forward to this part of the program.  Do you know how I know that?  Because people never stop talking while the speakers are speaking!  Does no one get the hint? Are you the greatest volunteer ever?  That's great - add to your mystique by shutting the hell up and getting off the stage.

These people paid your charity lots of money - don't reward them by putting them to sleep with speeches from people nobody cares to hear from. 

Sitting down for dinner brings all the fun to a grinding hault.  All of a sudden you're stuck sharing two bottles of wine with a table of ten people who you may or may not want to be with.  Think about it - often you are sitting with people you know, not people you like.  The people you like are at another table with people they know.  I'd rather have the choice of being with people I like at these events.  Remember - when you're at the table, you're supposed to be listening to the speakers drone on about shit nobody cares about, not engaging in awkward conversations trying to feel out your table mates. 

Why not just let the cocktail reception be the whole event?  Make tables available so the fatasses that just came to eat can sit there and stuff their faces while the rest of us mingle.  Heavy hors d'oeuvres will suffice as long as they keep them coming and don't run out of the good stuff (shrimps!).  Have a small stage where people can pretend to talk to the crowd or conduct a few auctions.  Maybe even put a DJ up there (never a live band - in a two hour event they play for a grand total of 20 minutes - total rip off). 

Let people get hammered - that's what they came for.  Stop with all the formal nonsense of sitting down.  I guarantee you'll have the best event of the year if you do what I've suggested above. 

Restaurant Review - District Taco

When have tacos not been "in" when it comes to the culinary scene?  Never.  I'm surprised DC hasn't been inundated with the world wide "street taco" phenomenon yet. (Should it be "inundated by" instead or "inundated with?")(Educated in the public school system -  lucky I'm not drooling uncontrollably right now much less spelling words of any kind correctly.)

District Taco started out like most taco producing places - in a truck.   They impressed enough people with their tacos that they were able to open two static locations - one in the district and one in a place where the name makes no sense - almost in Falls Church.  Technically it's in Arlington, but it's far enough into Arlington that it would make DC people breakout in hives, so it's actually Falls Church.

It lives in the internets HERE.

I went to the location at 13th and F - that's NW because I don't do SE, SW, NE or Maryland.  The place was packed.  Line out the door with district Taco staffer herding the crowd back against the wall and managing the blockage of the doorway so that fat and happy customers could make their way out into the open air to burp and fart their way back to their cubicles.  It was a lovely snapshot of urban life, if I may say so myself.  And I may.

The line goes pretty fast and that's because the owners aren't traditional restaurant guys. The little operational things you'll notice show that these guys are willing to think... oh shit, here it comes... I can't stop it... dammit... outside the box.  I should quit now.  Can not believe I just used the phrase "think outside the box."  I have failed at life... If you never read this blog again, I can't blame you for that decision. 

Shame...

Back to the task at hand.

I didn't order tacos.  Yep, I went to a taco place and didn't order tacos.  I'm that guy.  However,  I  know that no matter how good their stuff is, you're allowed to f*ck up your own meal by ordering whatever you want on top of the base - a protein and corn tortilla.  I can't help it if you put crap you don't like on top of the perfectly seasoned chicken breast - that's your problem, not mine and not District Taco's.  Your experience is in your hands.

I instead I ordered the burrito- the "mojado." I hate that word.  I hate I had to write it and I'm not joking around.  You see, I'm from the border of Texas and Mexico and "mojado" is another way of saying "wet back."  It's the derogatory equivalent of "wet" in Spanish.  It means "wet," but it doesn't really mean "wet."  People in El Paso, McAllen and everybody else on the border would be quite offended by the use of the word - even if these guys don't mean in it that way.  I would never ever use that word in front of someone of Mexican descent by itself and I would be damn careful how I used it in a sentence.   It's a very touchy word for a lot of people in this country these days.  I would advise them to steer clear of it.

After receiving the burrito I got why they call it "mojado" - it's served "wet."  It's smothered in a tomato sauce type salsa type liquid that is not spicy... it's spaghetti sauce for intents and purposes. So that makes the burrito like a very large enchilada with a flour tortilla instead of corn.  It's presented like a platter with chopped tomatoes and lettuce nestled beside the behemoth sack of beans, chicken and rice.  It's a fork and knife only ordeal.  It's a tie wrecker too - be careful.

Taste wise - it's not going to beat the reigning king of the gigantic burrito, Chipotle, but it's not bad.  The rice, black beans and protein (chicken, beef, pork, platypus or rattlesnake) mix well and make for a hearty meal.  With the "smothered" concept in play, this may be your cup of tea - it is not mine.  I also didn't like the fact that they claim it has sour cream on it, but only put a few pencil thin stripes on the whole mess to give it a jazzy, sophisticated look.  Nobody wants a dash of sour cream - people want a bowl full.  I felt a little ripped off by that part.   I mean, you're putting together a 15,000 calorie fat bomb - why skimp on the sour cream?

The real pleaser was the chips and queso.  I ordered the big size that costs $5.50 and tastes like $550!  For $.50 they'll plop some chorizo or bacon in the middle because if you're going to be bad, you might as well go on a multi-state crime spree while you're at it (please don't).  It's perfectly creamy with just the right white hue to make you think it's Mexican farm cheese based.  Authentic?  No - it's better.   Go there and order it.  Do it now.   God forbid something terrible happens and you never get to taste this cheesy goodness.  I don't care if you're lactose intolerant - eat it!  The upside is so worth the downside. 

Chips appear to be made on site - greasy crispy awesomeness.  They don't have to be great since their friend Mr. Queso is so perfect, but it helps that they are.  When the paper bags carrying the chips show grease - you know you have a something special waiting for you.

I'll go back to get some tacos.  However, there is one thing they could work on.

Their ordering system is kind of unique.  You have a couple of guys at registers who enter what you want and give you a little card with a number and some kind of object on it with its name in Spanish.  It's kind of cool that you get to learn how to say "banana" in Spanish - which is "bananano" - just kidding... I think. 

The card with the number and object with Spanish name for it serve as your ticket to get your meal.  You walk toward the back of the place where there's a busy kitchen and four mouse-voiced women who call out your number/object and bring you your food.  These women spoke in voices that were a little softer than a whisper.  They darted through the crowd trying to catch a peek at everyone's card in lieu of raising their respective voices. This makes things a little hectic in the waiting area.  They'd do well to find some loud-mouthed people to scream the numbers/objects in Spanish to the crowd and have the lucky winner come forward to claim his or her prize. 

Surprisingly that's my only complaint.  They can just keep doing what they do and be very successful.  Although, I wish they'd rename that burrito.  I was thinking they could name it "Bob" after Ritchie Valens' brother in the movie La Bamba - seems nobody every did anything for Bob but treat him like a dog.  It would be a nice consolation prize for Bob.

Another one bites the dust in Clarendon - another shocking failure

A place I know as "3" in Clarendon has closed its doors following the demise of another Clarendon staple - Market Tavern.  I didn't know until I did a little searching on the internet that the restaurant's name was actually "Restaurant 3" and "3 Bar & Grill."  Check out the name mess HERE.

I suppose not being able to agree on the name of the place is not a good sign for the future success of any restaurant or business.  Maybe it means nothing, but it seems weird to me.  I may change my name to Brad, Bradford and Bradley just to see how that works.

If you don't know "3" then you don't know that it was a pork/bacon place.  I can assume that making bacon your theme at the height of the bacon trend (bacobonanza) four and a half years ago was probably a pretty safe bet.  The key word being "trend" in that last sentence.  Restaurants built around a trend need to be aware that trends stop trending and new things become trendy.   They needed to find whatever the new bacon was two years ago and switch direction toward whatever that was (I'm thinking the chicken and waffles bonanza of 2010 that's just hitting DC now). 

I liked the place and my wife and I were there last Thursday night with the snot machine celebrating someone not dying (long story, but a good one).  We sat on their patio and had appetizers, beer and wine.  A guy name "Mike" was working the patio and he was hands down the best waiter we'd had anywhere in a long time.  And maybe Mike was so attentive because the place pretty much empty.  So empty in fact, that I told my wife that they weren't going to survive... and they didn't.  Bottom line - find Mike and hire him!

I'm not too worried about the owners and their financial loss.  If you took time to read their menu and could decipher the terrible writing, you'd know the owners also own Whitlow's... so yeah - they're not hurting.  Whitlow's added a rooftop bar and pretty much make a gazillion dollars every Thursday, Friday and Saturday night.  The line for this Thursday evening started yesterday.

I have already talked about how hard it is not to be wildly succesful in Clarendon HERE.

I have a hunch that the owners aren't done with that location, but may instead by retooling the place for a new concept... a few years too late, but better late than never.  It's prime real estate and whatever you put there will have that "new" sticker slapped on it and the Clarendon Sheep will pack in there like... sheep and spend their money like sailors in port every Thursday through Saturday. 

I will suggest to the new owners that they should put the bar on the side of the building that faces the main drag.  Your Clarendon crowd is a "see and be seen" group and they need to see who is cruising Arlington's A1A while they drink.  Put the regular dining (with huge roll up doors for nice weather) and outside dining facing the side street so they don't have to ingest fumes from the buses as they chow down on whatever the new theme ingredient is.

Just a quick note:

You said "BEACH FRONT AVENUE" in your head after reading  a sentence in that last paragrph, didn't you... girls were hot wearing less than bikinis... go ahead - you can finish it.  Put the headphones on and pull it up on your iPod.  Don't pretend we don't all own that song. 

That is all.

Things to do this week - June 4, 2012

Every Monday we provide a list of things we think you should do this week.  Without goals there would be no failure and thus nothing for us to make fun of. 

1. Write the open letter to the Airline industry you promised to post last week.

2. Packed like a sardine, sweating like a pig - Welcome to the metro system.

3. Really try hard to care about basketball.

4. Go to District Taco and see what all the fuss is about.

5. Look out for another hit piece on Starbucks people this week.