I've always passively viewed The Hill's 50 Most Beautiful People list as it has come out over the years. I'm curious to see who made it and if I know them. That's about it. I didn't used to even read their bios - the pictures were good enough for me. The winners of the genetic lottery would leave my mind just as they entered it - quickly and without much effort.
This year I got bored and started reading the bios supplied with the pictures. Holy shit - these people are not only better looking than me, they're just plain better than me in every way. Here's my rundown of the top 10. If you like these, let me know and I'll do the next 10. If not... well... I guess I'll just have to take more pictures of people being asses on the metro.
1. Max Engling - Max doesn't just play a model on TV - he's one in real life. Well, not anymore, but he was a legit model at one point. When he's not saving African children with AIDS or building an orphanage from scratch for Ukrainian kids, he's running an internship program for people with intellectual disabilities (read: people from New Mexico). He's the guy your wife dreams about when she dreams about guys. Max might save a child from a burning building at any moment, so keep your eye on him at all times.
2. Carolyn Amirpashaie - Have dark features? Indian or Middle Eastern? Hot? If you said yes to all of those you're a Kim Kardashian look alike even if you don't look anything like her. Poor Carolyn gets saddled with the Kardashian label and the worst part is that she's actually prettier than any of those vapid... I'll stop there. Carolyn never goes out (whatever). Loves sitting on her couch and doing nothing (whatever). She's also very good at soccer (a recurring theme this year). Oh, and she's getting married at Vineyard in Virginia - because that's what beautiful people do.
3. Kristen Callaway - Heir to the Callaway Golf fortune. Just kidding. I think. She looks a little like Tara Reid. Went to church with Florida State football coaching legend, Bobby Bowden. Hangs out in New York City on the weekends and goes clubbing in the Meat Packing District because that's what mid-level Hill staffers can afford to do. Oh, she's also going to Spain and Italy, stopping at Valencia, Florence, Rome and Corsica over the August break because Legislative Assistants on the Hill do that kind of shit too. Well, the pretty ones do it seems. The fat ones spend August living the term "staycation" at the Portrait Gallery.
(Don't throw yourself off the building yet - we've only hit the first three people better than you in every way possible. We're just getting started with the brutal murder of your ego.)
4. Julian Malasi - This guy wears skinny ties - what else is there to say? From Albania and likely speaks whatever language they speak there since the article says he's "multilingual." Has a dog he jogs with named "Rhett Butler" because not only is he better looking than you - he's much more clever and in shape (he plays soccer too) than you. Oh yeah - he has a twin brother that is better than you in every way as well. His name is "Euclid" and he fathered Geometry - whatever that means (you can google it, I'm not lying).
5. Warren Wright - High cheek bones, strong jaw and a pilot's license - no woman has a chance at escaping Mr. Wright and we haven't even gotten to the good parts yet. He's a former Coast Guard helicopter pilot who probably saved everyone in Alaska's life twice and then let Kevin Costner and Aston Kutcher make a movie about his life. He would have starred in the movie, but they wanted the audience to concentrate on the plot, not the pecs. He's applied to the Judge Advocate General (JAG for you TV watchers) just in case there's somebody left out there that can't "handle the truth."
6. Marian White- She's a Southern beauty who's just moonlighting on the Hill until she dashes off to Boston for a Masters in being better than you (it's a two year program). When she's not turning heads in committee meetings, she's a gourmet chef who supplies "dinner parties" with her irresistable "South Carolinian cobblers and mac 'n' cheese." Who under 50 has "dinner parties?" Fabulous people - that's who.
7. Alyssa Dack - The nauseating facts are simple - Duke, Turkey, Italy and hikes Shenandoah like it's her job. Claims she's happy to be single, but we all know that's just a cover for having 20 dates lined up for the next week (your Match.com profile hasn't been viewed by anyone in a week). Watches "West Wing" because it's what cool people do when their not outside making us jealous.
8. Samantha Dezur - Very hot. So hot in fact that she was on a TV show on the Style Network. Masters from Georgetown. Had a dream to work at a fashion magazine - checked that box already and moved on (her bucket list actually has things crossed out - you're stuck on "see Niagara Falls"). Never goes out, but hits the gym and reads a lot (she goes out - don't believe for a second she doesn't). Says she's a Libertarian which means if you have questions, she has Ron Paul answers.
9. Leslie Rath - Has a horse - hunts foxes from the top of it when she's in Florida at her parent's Orange plantation. While you can't hardly afford to board yourself in a 600 sqft apartment in a shitty part of town - this Scheduler is paying someone to play with her horse while she's farting around here in DC. Your family plays scharades when they get together - her family pretends to be 19th century British Aristocrats and reenacts royal hobbies on horseback. I have a feeling "work" is something she does when she's not swimming around in her piles of family money.
10. Rep. Michele Bachmann - She's hot right up until the point she starts talking - and I'm a conservative guy with conservative ideals, just so you know. Pretends she shops at Marshalls and somehow had the option of becoming Swiss (you can't even get decent swiss cheese). She's so much better than you, she can say whatever she wants and retain her seat. You can't even express your opinion at Thanksgiving without being sent to the kid's table. So magical is she, that her husband and her can turn gay people straight. You're probably responsible for turning at least one person the opposite direction without meaning to.
Truthfully, I wanted to do all 50 at once, but I was getting pretty depressed at #8... if you want more, I will suck it up and press on. Just let me know.