Brad Kanus

I'm Never Going to Rockville for Brunch

I posted recently wrote about my problems with DC area brunching. My wife, being my biggest fan, failed to read my blog as usual and sent me THIS.  Yep, it's a "Bitches Who Brunch" review of some place called "Quench" in Rockville... Maryland... of all the Godforsaken places on earth.  She is demanding we go there.  Naturally, I have many problems with this.

First of all, we need to pay homage to the "Bitches Who Brunch," who are apparently so awesome at blogging that car companies give them vehicles to go brunch in for the weekend. I own a vehicle and I'm not allowed to borrow it... from my wife.  These women are blog icons pushing the brunch envelope and encouraging all the behavior I abhorwhen it comes to what was once a straightforward Sunday institution.  I'm sure they'll take a moment awayfrom driving whatever new car they were given this week to mock my thoughts on brunching and then go back to being fabulous.  Let's not kid ourselves - I'm a caper on the smoked salmon of the blogosphere, they won't know this was even written.   

So, the review looks fine.  I give Quench points for having chicken and waffles without bones involved.  I know chicken tastes better when cooked bone in, but wrestling through the finished product and always ending up spitting out connecting tissue negates the advance in taste.  It's a waffle chicken sandwich with syrup - great... if you're into that. The grilled cheese sandwich, whichisn't at all a grilled cheese sandwich, looks pretty good.  The food is likely good overall.

Is it drive ten hours to Rockville good?  No.  Does my wife understand this?  No. 

We live in Arlington - Court House area, if I may brag like the asshole I aspire to be.  DC (NW) is close.  Pentagon City is close.  Del Ray is Siberia. Alexandria is the moon.  Bethesda is Jupiter.  Rockville is an undiscovered galaxy that we don't even have a space satellite telescope powerful enough to take a picture of yet.  I am not driving to an undiscovered galaxy because they serve boneless chicken and waffles.

I do not like Maryland.  I don't know what it is, but I dislike it.  To get me to wake up early on Saturdayor Sunday to drive to Rockville with a screaming two year-old in the back seat, they better be holding a "trade your family in for a pool table and a beer fridge" event at place that serves bacon macaroni and cheese pot pies.  It is unlikely such a place exists in that state, much less this country.  I'm sure Bangkok is overrun with such places.

With all of that said... I'll likely be found in Rockvilleat Quench this Sunday.  I'll be the defeated man holding the two year-old shooting fire tornadoes from its mouth.  Pray for me and somebody tell the Bitches Who Brunch to keep their Rockville related thoughts themselves - our wives are impressionable!

The Conservative Blogger Who Gets It... A Must Read

I've been a fan of Naked D.C. for a while now.  It's written by a smart, energetic woman who happens not to live in DC (that's the key, not the problem).  She's a consumer of all things cultural and remains steadfastly conservative.  I know, it's hard to wrap your head around that paradox, but it's true.  She's what I think the future conservative will have to look like if we plan on surviving in the modern age.  If you don't read her stuff, you need to start.

But wait... I'm not done.  I want to show you why she's awesome.  I promise this won't take long.

She recently posted this piece clarifying the words of some popular movie star who put the words "Republican" and "Nazi" in close proximity to each other in the same sentence.  All hell kind of broke loose. Turns out that the hoopla was created by a lack of context and before anyone could stop it, the conservative talking heads were shitting themselves with outrage.  It took Naked D.C.'s efforts to clarify the statement and expose one of the major problems with the right - as you can read in her post.  I'm not going to steal her words here - you have to go read it.

Seriously, do go read it.  She makes great points about who represents conservatives in the media and how they fail us.

That is all.

My Advice to FamousDC's "New Kid"

I'm a huge fan of FamousDC for many reasons.  The fact that they run my crappy Fantasy Football Rants has nothing to do with it.  I promise. 

Their newest contributor is a newly post-pubescent young man with a new job just out of college.  You can read his effort HERE.   I suggest you click that link or you'll risk not understand anything I write below.

If your mom is like my mom, she offers you up for all kinds of shit you don't want to do.  My mom loves to offer me up to complete strangers as some kind of Uber guide to living in DC.  And when I say "complete strangers" I mean that I get calls from kids who start the conversation with "your mother was talking my mom in line at the grocery store yesterday..."  Yes, that kind of shit still happens to me. 

You know the story from there - the kid is moving to DC or visiting and they want to know what to do, what not to do, where the tranny hookers are etc. et al.  Over the years I have put together a short list for these kids so I don't have to stay on the phone that long with them. 

The list below is for the "New Kid on the Beltway" - which should have read "New Kid IN the Beltway" since we all know that the only thing "on the Beltway" is traffic. This list here is for boys.  My list for girls is almost completely the same except item #1 is "send me a picture of yourself." 

My advice to FamousDC's "New Kid"

1. Stop listening to Rihanna - you're 22, not 14.  

2. Unless you are comfortable with hating another person with every cell in your body - don't live with them.   Have a best friend?  Want to tell people you "hate their stupid face with fire!" in six months?  Move in with them.  My advice - spend the money, live alone.  It makes a million things - including sex (both kinds) - easier.

3. You don't have a car.  I didn't write "don't bring a car."  Go ahead and bring a vehicle if you'd like, just don't tell anyone that you have one.  Why?  Airports - that's why.  People your age are either poor, cheap or both.  That doesn't mean you guys don't travel a lot.  If people know you have a car, they'll ask you for a ride to the airport.  You're cheaper than a cab and more reliable than the metro. 

Because you're new, you may not realize that there are "local" airports other than Reagan Naitonal (DCA).  If you agree to take someone to the airport,  you'll show up and they'll inform you that it's Dulles, BWI, LaGuardia or some other place that is not near where you live or DCA. 

If people already know you have a car - tell them it's broken. 

4. If you're hung-over and don't want to go into work - don't lie about it.  You're not fooling anyone with your sudden cold the day after Cinco de Mayo.  You're under 25 inside the Beltway - we know you.... we were once you.  You're a drunk.  However, you don't want to be a drunk and a liar, do you? No. 

There's no need to recount the amount of shots you took to put you on  your ass for a day, but you can simply relate that you "had a big night" and people will understand.

5. Drink with the rank and file and you'll always be a part of the rank and file.  Drink with the power brokers and one day you might be one too.  You can spend every free hour you have reliving college in fancier clothes, or you can meet the person who will give you a shot at being somebody some day.

Pick one night a week to slip away to a nice steakhouse after work for a drink. Try to frequent the same place every week at the same time. Stay in your suit and bring cash.  Have a couple drinks and observe your surroundings.  Don't be loud.  Don't be opinionated and for God's sake don't bring your friends.  Two things are going to happen if you do as I suggest.

First of all, you need to order beer on tap and tip big.  Once the bartender knows you, the number of beers on the tab decreases so long as the tip doesn't.   You're not pretending to be a big shot here, you're letting the bartender know that you know the game.  Do not abuse your privilege by bringing in ten friends and hoping for the same deal - it doesn't work that way. Enjoy the fact that you can drink for cheap at a very nice place.

While you are quietly drinking for cheap at a nice place, you're bound to meet someone who is somebody.  You'd be surprised who in this town takes their meals at a bar by themselves every night of the week.  If you happen to be there and they happen to be chatty... well, let's just say that some of the best jobs in the town to be had for someone under 30 aren't employing the normal interviewing process. 

6. Learn about wine.  It's "cab" not "cav."Don't order white, you're not that sophisticated.  It doesn't matter what you saw in that movie - Merlot is perfectly fine to drink.

7. Don't get fat.  It's a hard town to slim down in.  If you're already fat... good luck porky.

8. Don't get grabby with the free shit at events.  People notice. 

9. Shit where you eat at least once.  It's better to learn about the dangers of work place relationships before you have a mortgage.

10.  The city is surrounded by an asphalt mote - travel outside of it too often and nobody inside it will like you anymore.

11. Don't give your mother your primary contact information.  Otherwise you'll be forced to make lists like this one way into your 30s.  

Unsuck DC Metro incorrectly dings WMATA for rider's stupidity

I like Unsuck DC Metro a lot.  I read everything they post with interest because I often learn something.  I also enjoy the fact that they are pretty much dedicated to holding WMATA accountable and WMATA knows it.  When they speak, WMATA listens.  However, yesterday I thought they done goofed on a post and I have to call them out on it. 

Unsuck DC Metro had a post yesterday titled "Lurching: A Created Danger?" and it was a continuation of their past complaints about trains jerking forward - allegedly - without warning.  I was a little surprised that the folks at Unsuck DC Metro pursued WMATA on this instead of offering the obvious solution (that we'll get to in a minute) to their readers. 

The issue is simple - often conductors pull up short of their spot on the platform and are forced to move the train a very short distance to rectify the situation.  For some reason the train doesn't move slowly  and smoothly forward for short distances.  As many of you know it jerks forward with the force of a space shuttle launch and then abruptly stops.  It's quite amazing how many "Gs" they can generate in eight feet of train advancement.

At Unsuck DC Metro they point to the danger this maneuver poses to riders who aren't properly warned that it's about to take place.  They say the conductors almost never warn the riders.  My experience is different on the Orange line.  I'd say 99 percent of the time they do announce the short shuttle launch before it happens.  They may have a different experience on whatever line they ride - that's entirely possible and I won't quibble with them over that.  However, the warning doesn't really matter if you're a perceptive, smart metro rider - which most of you are not. 

The key to not being thrown across the train when it suddenly leaps forward ten feet is to use the handrails provided all around the train car to hold on.  I know - it's such a simple solution that I don't know why no one else thought of it before today.  I'm not sure I'll get a Nobel Peace prize for this, but a pat on the back could be in my future. 

You see, I learned early on that the trains are rather unpredictable and that unless those doors are open, the train could move at any moment - announced or unannounced.  I'm not the asshole who has to run to the door as the train enters the station to be the first one off.  That asshole doesn't think he can make it to the door after the train stops in the thirty seconds or more allotted by the conductor.  He doesn't think he can make it ten feet in a minute... let's hope he doesn't run marathons. 

And because assholes who must get to the door before the train stops are in transit from their once secure position to the door, they're not usually holding on when the train occasionally shoots forward at the speed of light.  They get thrown back into strangers because they're impatient and imperceptive dicks.  I often see people properly holding on and following the unwritten rules of the metro injured by these morons who aren't holding on.  Three weeks ago I saw a huge dude annihilate this woman's foot because he couldn't be bothered to wait for the train to stop before heading to the door.  The train pulled up short and he was thrown in to her because he chose not to hold onto to the rails until the doors opened.  Her day was ruined thanks to an asshole. 

I can't say it enough - warning or no warning if you're holding until after the doors open, you'll be fine.  It's your responsibility to be alert and defend yourself against WMATA's general crappiness. 

I did read on the post from Unsuck DC Metro about one whiny little baby's account of his girlfriend smacking her face on a pole when the train lurched forward.  She was holding on, but she was holding on incorrectly.  She was likely body f*cking the pole instead of simply gripping it with her hand at arm's length.  Her face should  have never been close enough to the pole to smack in the first place and there's a couple reasons for that.  The first reason is that the pole is disgusting Zudipus lollipop!  People's nasty ass hands are all over that thing all day - why the hell would you put your face within three feet of it?  Second, no matter what, your body and everything attached to your body is going to move roughly a foot or so when the train moves - even if you are holding on tightly.  Please plan accordingly and give yourself space between objects harder than your face.   Think of the whole "is your hand bigger than your face" trick when figuring out how you're going to hold on.   And for God's sake stop humping the poles - this isn't a Good Guys audition!

The other major offenders in this situation are those who listen to music on the metro.  The have their earbuds in and can't hear the conductor make the announcement that the train is moving forward.  They're always taken by surprise when the train launches forward three feet and it shoots them ten.  I know that most of the time the conductor has nothing of interest to say, but every once in a while he gives you a little pertinent piece of advice you might want to hear.  Just watch the people on the metro with headphones on when  you go home tonight - clueless assholes.  Don't be one yourself - turn the music down and listen. 

Bottom line - metro trains are going to lurch.  If you hold on to the rails properly until the doors are open, you'll never have a problem (other than motion sickness) with lurching.  Act like an asshole - and you might break your ankle or someone else's.  Don't be an asshole - hold on. 

DC Blogger Impressed with Unimpressive Happenings on Metro

The folks over at FamousDC made yet another DC blogger "famous" today and for once I was enticed into following the provided link.  I'm glad I did.  The person not glad I read it - the blog's author FloridaGirlinDC.  Here's why. 

First of all, her blog name flunks the originality test so badly that it has now been assigned to the digital media shortbus for eternity.  She used the same blog naming equation everybody else out there uses: 

where you're from + gender specific noun + "in" + where you live now = shitty blog title. 

LAguyinNY, MichiganManinMiami, TexasGalinSeattle and million more that we're all very tired of seeing.  We get it - you're really proud of where you're from... you just don't choose to live there.  And you probably don't live there for reasons you're not proud of like high illiteracy and the popularity of "TruckNutz."

I'm sure in her mind she's a pioneer in DC society being one of the few citizens who can bring a Florida perspective to table.  For her sake I hope she isn't going to Taste of the South this weekend where every third person will either be actually from Florida or from Alabama and claiming to be from Florida.  No doubt it - we've got lots of Florida in our DC.

I digress.  But then again, who doesn't?

The premise of the blog post is simple.  She saw an okay looking guy get a business card from a "really pretty" girl on the metro.  She breaks it down into five parts and expresses genuine awe at the guy's work.  Too bad she read way too much into it and failed to realize that in second place behind "f*ck off creep" on the list of "Clues She's Not Interested" resides the business card brushoff.  Let's go to the tape, shall we?

One thing everyone should know now about DC is that it's full of men who can not and will not make a move on a woman.  Go out tonight and watch as tables full of single girls mingle without interruption as loads of dudes watch from afar.  In any other city they'd be swarmed before they even got through the door.  In DC - watched from afar like animals on the African plains. 

I'm ugly.  I've never been good looking.  I didn't have a "heyday" when I was skinny, had high cheekbones and some hint of a chin.  I've looked like Bob Saget my entire life.  This made it hard to get a date for a very long time.  It wasn't until I moved to DC and found out that being the only guy willing to walk up and introduce myself to a woman had its advantages.  I figured out the golden rule of female access - you can't get a "yes" if you don't ask.  And - nobody ever got laid standing across the bar trying to will a girl into bed by staring holes through her. 

However... I don't think that what I describe above is the entire story.  

The guy in this story has two obvious things going for him - he's not hideous and he's got a schtick worked out.  He knows that a decent looking guy who can talk will get laid way more often than a hot guy who waits around for chicks to fall over naked with their legs in the air. 

The little jazz club bit is probably something he pops on girls on that train at that time headed in that direction five days a week.  He's got the odds worked out already - most girls of a certain age, race and socioeconomic class exit the metro at one of the stops near the jazz place he's talking about.  It's a popular area for young people - I think we all know that.  He's got a better than even chance of throwing out one of three stops and being right or one stop off with his guess. Either way, he'll find out if he can start laying down his jazz club schtick after asking only one innocent question.

The girl in the story reacts initially like most of us would on the metro when someone you don't know starts talking to you - disgust.  Talking to strangers on the metro is the same as urinating on the metro - never necessary, always awkward and severely frowned upon. 

His persistence pushes her to interact with him in a limited, guarded fashion. It is not his subject matter and apparent recollection of past events that causes her to engage him as the chick from Florida who now lives in DC would have you believe.  She's now trying to appease the man for fear that ignoring him may just encourage him to get more aggressive.  Let's be honest - all she knows is that this crazy son-of-a-bitch is okay with breaking a cardinal rule of the metro system(talking to strangers), his next move might be to strip naked and do the floppy chicken on her new Nine West wedges.  She's doing whatever her instinct tells her will keep him out of the crazy zone until she can get off the train.

She's forced to banter back and forth with this guy for a bit hoping it stays tame.  You've all seen this happen on a train before and you know how bad you feel for the victim.  You're also thankful that this poor soul is jumping on the grenade for the entire car.  If they don't appease the crazy person, then everyone is screwed.  What this woman did was heroic - at least it was for the people who saw the situation and knew what was going on.  Ms. DC via Florida saw an entirely different movie than the rest of the audience sitting in the same theater, unfortunately. 

The final act of appeasement as she chatted Don Juan off the ledge was the giving of the business card. If you're a guy over 21 in DC and been around bars and women,  you've probably been stiffed with the business card before.  Most of the time you never hear from them again because that's what they intended to happen when they gave you that card and not their cell phone number. 

What do most business cards have on them?  Name, work address, work email, work fax and work phone.   Your most appropriate option here is to email her.  You're not a client and you admit as much in your email the next day - she can ignore you without recourse.  

Are you going to call her office number whiles she's working to ask her out?  Not if you're within driving distance of normal.  

Fax?  Novel idea, but not a good idea.  Too easy to turn into the next viral shaming of an undersexed guy trying too hard.  You don't want Gawker ending your shot with that chick and every other woman in Western civilization. 

Bottom line - nothing says "let's get together soon" like a woman giving you a bunch of bad options for getting a hold of her instead of the best one.  

The cell phone number remains the industry's gold standard for showing interest.  

Lady Florida living in DC didn't see what she thought she saw because she didn't know what she was looking at.  It's as simple as that. 

------------------

Several other notes about her and her blog...

1. She uses the world "chill" and she wasn't referring to what you should do to wine before serving.  She doesn't look 13, but talks as if she is. 

2. Page has a shitfit loading on older browsers (pretty much every office in DC) because of the palm tree background.  You're from Florida - WE GET IT.

3.  She's pretty cute - why the hell is she living vicariously through strangers on the metro? 

4.  That last one wasn't fair.  She was inspired by a random act - good for her.  

5.  She signs off on her "about me" with the most annoying closing ever - "cheers."  How many jackasses do you have to see use that closing before you realize that it's literally the calling card for assholes?  And "ciao" is not a suitable replacement either. 

6.  That's all I have.  Thanks for playing. 

 

War (totally awesome closing)

Brad Kanus