Brad Kanus

Uber is great – Uber Hijackers are not

I love Uber, that’s no secret.  I have a long standing inebriated relationship with the coolest car company in the world.  They are one of the few companies that keep me saying “I like the hitch in your giddy up” time after time.  Just kidding – I would never say “I like the hitch in your giddy up” because I have a full set of teeth.  However, I’m not kidding about my love for Uber.  Unfortunately, there are people out there trying to bring Uber down and this is a story about them.  

It was just last Sunday night that I arrived to Reagan National from Birmingham Paris at around 9:00 PM.  I waited for my bags rare paintings to emerge from the carousel of impatience and disappointment and mashed the “set pickup location” on the Uber app as soon as I had eyes on them.  I headed to the door. 

Outside I reaffirmed my good decision to use Uber when I noticed that the cab lines were impossibly long.  I don’t know why the cab longs suck so terribly, but it may be because people being asked “DC or Virginia?” stare at the guy like it’s the hardest question they’ve ever been asked.  It proves there’s an intelligence gap between cab users and Uber users.  If you’re in a bar trivia league – grab the guy who showed up in a black car.  

Kwame, my Uber driver, rang me as I made it to the island of anxious anticipation where people with loving friends and family are retrieved.  I told Kwame that I was at door eight and what I looked like all the way down to the distinct burnt orange Longhorn hat I was wearing.  Kwame told me he’d have his emergency flashers going and to wave him down just in case.  Everything seemed perfect as I watched his little car make its way cartoonishly past Terminal A on the Uber app. 

Soon I saw a black Town Car with its emergency flashers on  approaching  and I was confident I would be home in time to be turned down for sex by an exhausted, underappreciated Janis Kanus (her description of herself, not mine – exhausted people don’t watch Project Runway until midnight while chatting with their sister on the phone... in my opinion).  Then everything went to hell. 

At about door four Kwame ducked into the lane near the curb and appeared to pick up someone.  Seconds later my little Uber screen went from white to purple meaning the meter, so to speak, was running and I was paying for it.  I was pissed and called Kwame to ask him how my ride was.  Kwame was confused and I explained to him in the calm collected voice of a Marine Drill Sergeant who just caught Private Pyle leaving an upper decker in the latrine that my ride was not going well because I was not the asshole thief sitting in his back seat.  Kwame hung up on me and probably had a good laugh with the two shitheads enjoying my Uber scholarship.  Well, I canceled the trip before he got out of the airport and was charged $25 for canceling.  I do not know if things were so cheery after Kwame and his new friends came to the realization that Uncle Brad was no longer picking up the tab on their little joyride. 

I dialed up another car and Blaize in a Chevy Suburban rumbled up a short time later.  Now, Blaize was awesome and his Suburban was too.  Town Cars are pimp for pulling up to your dilapidated mud hut in Clarendon, but a Suburban is better.  Ask a four year-old boy and he’ll pick the truck over the car every time – and we know four year-olds have impeccable taste in luxury transportation. 

I didn’t have time to chit chat with Blaize because I had to get an email off to Alex over at Uber (@Uber_DC in the twitosphere) and my hands were shaking with so much anger I could barely type.  At this point I had even lost the desire to be turned down for sex by Janis Kanus – shit was real.  I was nice and didn’t blame Alex – it wasn’t his fault.  It was an FYI with the hopes he’d get me my money back and have Kwame sent to a never ending toddler princess tea party in room lined with tile.  

The good news is that I got my money back with an apology from Uber.  They are awesome like that.  Kwame, from what I understand, was not sent to a princess party. No solution in life is perfect, I guess.

Here’s the scam as it was played on me and likely a ton of other people who are way too drunk to know what’s going on. 

Every time you get in an Uber car there’s a little process.  He stops, you open the door and he says “Brad?”  It’s crazy, but they ask everyone if they’re name is Brad.  I love it.  Just kidding.  They identify you so that they know they have the right person.  The only problem with that – they’re opening themselves up to be tricked.  

The only thing an Uber driver knows is that you’re a little blue pin waiting for them on a map and your name.  Last year during the clusterfuck they call “after a Nats game” I saw a way to be a dick and steal someone’s Uber.  All up and down the street were people waiting for cars.  I had three little chickadees I picked up at the game and was attempting to send them on to my single homies waiting at Cap Lounge.  Black cars kept pulling up and I’d open the door and they’d say “Fred?”  I’d say “Nope” and close the door.  What was keeping me from just saying “yep” and getting in and being on my way?  I’m an asshole, but I’m not a criminal.  

Unfortunately there are a lot of assholes who are also criminals in DC and I think Uber Hijacking happens way more often than is known.  I chatted with my other Uber friends and they each had “a-ha” moments from drunken nights where their car never showed up and the screen turned purple and they eventually canceled thinking the driver bugged out.   The multiple emails and texts from Uber can all run together and some of the upper income folks don’t really notice $25 or $30 extra bucks missing after a night of heavy drinking.  

One friend told me exactly how the airport scam works – the hijackers stand down by door 1 and just wave down Uber cars as they come by and jump in agreeing that they are whoever the driver implies they are.  Once they are on the way into DC, the car with the asshole thieves will be out of the airport with nowhere to pull over (no man’s land on the parkway if you can picture it).  If the ride is canceled and the driver sees there is a problem, he has to drive them all the way to Roslyn or DC to let them out.  It’s a free ride to a cheaper ride in the city and it’s criminally brilliant.  It’s also a dick move.  Pelase stop doing it or you'll ruin Uber for everyone else.  

Ride on people, ride on.  

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

How do you say "stand right, walk left" in Japanese?

I was headed home yesterday via the entrance to Metro Center at the corner of the 13th and G streets.  As many of you know there's a medium length escalator leading down to the place where people wait for delayed trains. Oh, and there's always tourists screwing up our commute as well - let's not forget them, it is Spring Break, after all.  Sometimes all these things combine and magic happens - yesterday magic happened. 

As I stepped onto the escalator I noticed a gaggle of Asian teens standing two abreast on the steps below breaking the biggest unwritten rule of the metro.  I say "Asian" because I'm not smart enough to know exactly what country they are from.  I'm not trying to be mean here, I would just rather give a region than a specific country given that Chinese people are keen on being called Japanese and vice versa.  

Screw it - if you're offended by my use of "Asian" you can send me hate mail at bradkanus@gmail.com. 

There's a law of metro nature that states:

"The volume and intensity at which somebody yells 'stand right, walk left' is inversely related to their ability to do something about it." 

That law was in play when some jackass lost his mind, and nearly his voice, screaming at 13 Asian kids who obviously didn't speak English.  Yes, some little pipsqueak in rimless glasses started screaming "STAND RIGHT, WALK LEFT" about the second his first foot hit the escalator step.  It was at first shocking, then annoying, then funny, annoying again and then funny once again. 

This guy was four or five steps above me and the Asians were about four steps below me.  When the guy started screaming at first they didn't even bat an eye.  Being that they had be in DC all day, they had heard, and seen, plenty of crazy shit and this guy wasn't yet setting off their nutbag alarm yet.  After about four shouts and the rest of us turning to stare at the guy, the Asians took notice of him.  This only made things worse.

Now the asshole was screaming and gesticulating at the Asians as if they would understand him flailing his arms left to right any better than his English.  This prompted the Asians to start recording him.  They were also near the end of the ride on the escalator, so their interest in him almost created a pile up at the bottom.  

Of course, the gaggle of Asians didn't have any idea of where to go once they got down there, so they just stood in the middle of everything and started trying to figure everything out.  This, I must say, isn't an Asian tourist thing - it's an every tourist from everywhere thing.  If you're from somewhere other than DC, your natural instinct is to stand in everyone's way while you figure where you're going.  Standing to the side out of the way is not an option.  This isn't a behavior confined to the metro system - museums, sidewalks, monuments and private businesses are all in play here as well. 

Needless to say the screaming asshole had to say something to the Asians, but the lack of a people barrier between him and them cooled his attitude.  When I looked back he was trying to explain to them why he was screaming and gesticulating at them and it didn't look like he was getting anywhere.  The Asians were giggling like a bunch of school girls... still filming him (on a phone that I'm not familiar with btw). 

I assume he got frustrated and eventually got on the train and screamed "COMING OUT" over and over again starting thirty seconds before the train came to stop at his station. 

 

Why do rich people live near metro stops and drive to work?

As my wife is known to do sometimes, she's shopping for houses we can't afford this week.  About every three months or so she starts looking around at realtor.com and gets herself all worked up like a person imagining how they'd spend their lottery winnings if they actually won.  Instead of being critical of the exercise, I actually try to learn something from it.  Here's what I have learned.

Rich people who can afford cars and parking downtown like to buy houses near metro stops they will never use.

You'd be lucky to find a house in the Court House to Ballston corridor that is less than $700,000 with the average being somewhere around $1 million.  Do you think someone who can afford a $200,000 down payment for a house takes the metro to work?  They don't.  

I know that there are some high rent pockets away from the metro lines, but they don't bother me.  They don't take up valuable space within walking distance of mass transit.  I do not begrudge them their wealth because I don't have to walk by it in the rain on the way to the metro every morning.  

Do you know how nauseating it is to watch some single dude with a giant house a block from the metro roll his Porsche out of the garage every morning so he can drive one mile to work downtown.  It's pretty demoralizing.  However, I'd do the same if I could... we all would.

I think the next time I read a million dollar listing that says "just steps from the metro" I'm going to call and give the realtor a little shit about it.   They should have to put "ha ha" in parenthesis after that claim in the listings as a matter of law.  Or maybe they just up that in there as a means of full disclosure.  They're being honest and warning potential buyers that poor people are going to trudge past on their way to the metro and it's a little annoying to have to watch. 

Tell me more Mr. Conductor! A Simple Request for WMATA

When I entered the metro system at Metro Center today there was a warning playing over the intercom about something to do with the orange line, Clarendon and Ballston.  I can never really hear what they're saying because of the presence of lots of people, trains and the occasional platform performer singing for his next meal (and likely starving because of it).  I get bits and pieces and have to piece together using context clues what's happening.  Today was no different - I had no idea exactly what was going on, but figured my commute would be screwed. 

And let's pause for a second to talk about the intercom system in the metro system.  Where do they find these people who are tasked with communicating with tens of thousands of metro riders?  I think the process of selecting a voice for the emergency announcements starts with the question "who here has a mousey voice and is impossible to understand?"  That person then records a message you either can't hear, can't understand or both.  Tell me I'm wrong.  It's something they consistently screw up. 

Once I entered an Orange Line train the conductor on the train informed us that we would not be stopping at the Virginia Square platform.  What do I care?  I get off at Court House.  That's what I was thinking up until the point the conductor dropped this little tid bit of information - "there is an emergency situation involving the police..."  

WHAT? There are police?  Why?  What happened?  What's happening now?  Why can't we stop so we can find out?  TELL ME MORE!

I can't think of a more annoying thing than having the details of an emergency situation not following the announcement of said emergency situation.  Talk about a teaser.  If you're going to tell us why we can't stop at Virginia Square, don't stop with just the overview - let us know exactly why we can't stop at Virginia Square.  I know you guys have a radio and are getting updates - why not share?

Think of it this way... We're all going to end up finding out what happened when we get home or in the paper the next day.  Why not let us in on the secret as a consolation for not being able to drop us off at our stop?  Why not let us in on the truth about all the delays when we are within your metro system?  Don't say "we have a sick passenger."  Simply be honest and say "some dude kissed a train and they can't find all of this body parts, so it's going to be a little bit of a hassle for you today."  

I think we'd all be a little more understanding if we knew exactly what was going on. 

 

 

What are the stripes of raised domes on the metro platform for? Your safety, idiot

Just a quick rant here after having my ears blasted by a metro fog horn for the tenth time in two weeks.

Things have been a little weird on the Orange Line - most notably at Court House.  For some reason the platform is packed every morning between 8:00 a.m. and 8:45 a.m.  You can wait for three trains to pass before finding one with enough room to squeeze onto.  It's a problem I'm sure all of you have experience with. 

What's making it worse are the people who stand with their toes hanging off the platform over the rails so they can jockey for a spot on the next train.  Invariably the conductor (are they called that?) has to slow down to a crawl and then blow the horn.  I'm mostly deaf and I think the horn is loud. I can't imagine what people with normal hearing think of it.  Sadly, this pain could be avoided if we didn't live in a world full of assholes.

One morning they had a metro cop moving everybody back because one train pulled up to the edge of the tunnel and stopped because too many people were too close to the edge.  The cop was telling people "you have to stand behind the bumps, that's what they are there for."  It was yet another exercise in mass stupidity that had me looking up scooters on craigslist again that morning. 

The strip of bumps are a physical cue for those who have no use for visual cues - blind people.  If you ever noticed, a blind person never stands on or over the bump strip.  The uneven surface tells them that if they are standing there, they are too close.  If you're following me here - the Washington Metropolitan Transit Authority doesn't want  you standing on the bumps, much less in front of them next to the platform edge. 

Bottom line - if they are telling blind people it's dangerous for them to stand on the bumps, then it's dangerous for you too.  The conductor will slow to a crawl and blow his loud-ass horn until you move.  Do everyone a favor and move back, asshole.

And believe me - I don't care about your safety.  If you get smacked by a train because you were standing too damn close to the edge because you're 43 years-old and still playing the "line leader" game - screw you if you get hit. 

This has been your metro etiquette lesson of the day.  You're welcome.

People We Hate - one stop metro riders

Do you know the kind of people I'm talking about here?  Are you one of them?  Have no idea what I'm talking about? Let me clarify the issue for all of you.

I'm talking about people who get on the metro within the DC city limits and get off one stop later.  The geographical restriction is simple - the stops are closer once you enter the city and most of them are easily walkable station to station.  Outside the city the stops tend be farther apart and much harder to conveniently walk between. 

Got it?  Good. 

These assholes get on the metro at Farragut West and get off at McPherson Square.  It's a three block, five minute walk between the two stations and these dipshits can't pull it off.  Instead, they enter the metro system, waste 15 minutes getting to the platform, waiting for a train, riding the train and then standing in line to leave the station.  It's the laziest, dumbest thing you'll witness in DC and that's saying a lot with all these damn tourists running around.

First of all, you gotta be an asshole if you're not smart enough to know that you can waddle your happy ass faster stop to stop in most cases than entering the metro system and riding the same distance.  You're also a lazy fatass, which I can say because I'm a gigantic fatass myself.  However, I walk the three blocks instead of getting on the metro because I'm aware of how ignorant it is to ride for one stop within the city.

And since these people are assholes,  you know how their metro manners are - terrible.  They're usually the ones who fight their way onto the train before anyone has gotten off.  It makes sense, though. If they're unaware of how moronic it is to ride the train one stop, they're obviously not capable of comprehending the common sense rule of letting people get off the train before they attempt to enter the train.  And they wouldn't be the purest form of asshole if they didn't push to the center of the train and fight for a seat for their two minute ride to the next stop.  And that always ends with them having to push everyone down to try and get out.  In their little tiny brains it makes sense to get as far away from the door as possible even though they're getting off at the next stop. 

What about the complete waste of money?  Look, I'm not good with money.  I spend money on the dumbest shit you can imagine.  Besides both of us being Homo sapiens, it's the only thing my wife and I have in common.  We speak with a level of experience when it comes to wasting money that few people on Earth have and we both agree that paying to ride the metro for three blocks is the ultimate stupid waste of money.  But, that doesn't matter to the one stop rider because we've already shown them to but ignorant, lazy and unaware - just add "bad with money" to the line of negatives on their life report card. 

I wish that there was some kind of alarm that would sound when these people went to swipe their Smartrip card to leave.  Maybe a female voice that just repeats "dumbass" several times while a red light flashes.  At the least it would shame them and at best it would alert others to their lack of mental strength, laziness and inability to assess their own idiotic actions.  Best case scenario it keeps people form handing these asshole sharp objects.  However, I know WMATA won't do this because they like ripping you off for a three block ride, but it would  be very cool.

And before you lose your mind in the comments section below because I just called you out for being an asshole and you're angry about it - I'm not talking about days where the weather is bad.  I'm talking about all the assholes who do it on perfectly nice days.  Nobody faults anyone for hiding from the rain in the metro system.  You can now comment accordingly. 

A quick reminder about rain and crazy homeless people

If you're not an expert on crazy homeless people like I am, you can be excused if you're not aware of the special conditions that set them off.  It's taken years of riding the metro, the bus and walking the streets of DC to acquire my intimate knowledge of the underpaid and over-crazy.

When it rains - crazy homeless people go a little extra crazy.  Water tends to set them off like children pointing or staring at them does.  Want to see a 300 pound black man in an extra small Mickey Mouse t-shirt lose his shit in the middle of the street?  Make sure you're at the intersection of 16th and U st when the rain starts. The show gets started roughly a few minutes after the gutters are running full. 

Rain is inconvenient enough for those of us forced to rely on mass transit to get around.  Add crazy homeless people seeking shelter within that transit system and it's just terrible.  A soaking wet homeless guy pretending to be retarded was making his rounds on my Orange Line train this morning.  I'm guessing his normal begging spot isn't rain resistant and he had to make a small investment to get inside the metro system to secure a captive audience from which he hopes to make his daily salary.  You may have also noticed the shift of the beggars to the train from the street during inclement weather.   That's a lot of insanity in very close quarters. 

I'm pretty sure that the rain sets off the nutbags because they see it as a sign from God.  Whatever they've been babbling about to Jesus' daddy is answered with what is obviously God's only communication tool - rain... or the lack there of.  Once they get their answer from God it's time celebrate their enlightenment by being bigger assholes than normal to the rest of us who don't have a direct line to the big guy in the sky.  Call it "gloating," if you will.

I'm not sure how to make it stop, but I do know how to avoid the crazy - Uber to and from work.

What's worse than getting caught reading "Fifty Shades of Grey" on the metro?

Brad Kanus is an asshole.  This is mainly an article about me doing what I'd likely criticize others for doing.  It's only fair that if I'm going to hunt you down on the metro and call you out that I report my douche moves as well.  Here is my latest and surely not my last. 

So, there I was knee deep in freshly fallen snow with a rifle in one hand and a half eaten box of chocolates in the other.   Just kidding, but wouldn't that make for a great opening to a story about prixe fixe Valentine's day menus?

So, there I was hustling to get on an Orange Line train towards Virginia at Metro Center right at 5:00 p.m.  The real rush hadn't hit, or I just caught the right train, because when I skipped onto the train just as the doors were closing if found a very empty car.  My first thought was - lucky me.  My second thought - check surroundings for danger.  Third thought - chicks.  

I don't know why my brain works that way, but even after seven self-esteem wrecking years of marriage and a kid who is a pint sized Alec Baldwin with more of a violent streak, I still like to check out the ladies.  Oddly it's probably one the most efficient things that I, or any other man on Earth, do.  With five women and one guy sitting within my "stare your top off" distance, I quickly ranked the women one through five settling on a cute blonde sitting in the handicapable (who are we kidding with that bullshit term?)  seating as my #1.  Like a quarterback going through his receiver progression - I literally assessed the entire field of options in milliseconds and made my play. 

Now, I know what you are thinking - "but Brad, what if your wife sees this post?"  Don't worry, she's about as interested in me and my blogging as John Travolta is in getting a massage from a woman.

Back to the blonde...

She's got an overhead compartment compliant roller bag, a big floppy purse and shirt that is unbuttoned down to about the mid breast area.  I casually leaned against the plexiglass partition adjacent to her and fiddled on my Blackberry like the President just asked me what to do about Iran.  As my thumbs pretended to type out the most important email ever sent by someone relegated to riding the metro, my eyes went to work trying to get visual confirmation of puppies being smuggled.  No dice.  A combination of her medium sized mammaries and a well made shirt that fell open just to the point of teasing but no further meant that Brad Kanus would have get his cheap thrills elsewhere. 

As I continued to tinker with the Blackberry she pulled out a book, opened it up and started reading with her hand placed peculiarly over the top of the right-hand page.  I usually check out what people are reading by looking at the top of that page.  If I don't recognize the title of the book I try to read a sentence or two to see if I might like it.  There's no telling how many great books I have found using this nosy, rude method on the metro.  However, you shouldn't try it... for reasons I'll make clear below.

Without a title to see, I started reading what I could see - the text.  I wasn't long into the first paragraph on the left-hand page when I realized she was likely reading "Fifty Shades of Grey" by E. L. James given I knew loosely what the subject matter of the book was and that there was a character named "Christian" in the story.   And it should be noted that Christian is a naughty, naughty little boy. 

I'll be honest, there was some second base to third base action taking place in the short passage I read and depending on where you grew up, Christian was aggressively rounding third with his hand.  So I wasn't surprised that I had started to remove my shirt.  Just kidding!  I'm not that weird. Yet.

As I read more and more I lost track of myself and eventually had my face pressed against the plexiglass partition reading rather intently.  That's when the woman reading the book, obviously feeling a presence in the almost empty car, looked up at me.  The look on her face said two things "f*ck you creep" and "I hope you don't know what I'm reading."

I  backed off, offered a smile and readied myself for an ass chewing. Which I got.  She ranted "that is so rude of you!"  I almost made a smartass remark about reading porn in public places, but decided that I had done enough to this poor woman already.  I really had nothing to say in my defense so I retreated to the opposite of the car and leaned against the glass partition looking at my feet hoping she wouldn't get up and slug me. 

I did look up a couple of times and she was red, very red with embarrassment.  However, she wasn't going to put the book away on my account.  I did feel bad that she probably wasn't actually taking in the words on the page, but merely reading them in the background of her anger toward me.  The urge to "make it right" was overwhelming my little tiny brain filter that is supposed to stop my bad ideas (I was born with an undersized brain filter - a common Y chromosone deffect).  Luckily the train pulled into Clarendon station at that moment and my stupid words were never spoken to this poor, undersexed coed reading porn on the metro.  Lucky me.  Luckier her.

I will say that I found her not to be half bad overall as I let her pass me through the door first so I could see if there were any dents in the bumper.  Despite my pet peeve of carrying luggage on the metro, she was well put together - a solid Clarendon Six (the Clarendon scale is different than the regular rating scale for many different reasons that I will explain in a later post).  If you're a guy looking for a five foot four or so - 119 lbs blonde sporting some thick rimmed glasses who needs a good spanking - keep your eyes peeled around the Clarendon area for a girl who covers the upper right-hand page of a book with a paper cover over the real cover.

What I learned from this incident is that the only thing more embarrassing than getting caught reading "Fifty Shades of Grey" on the metro is getting caught catching someone else reading "Fifty Shades of Grey" on the metro.

Metro Pole Violators Lineup #6 - Addicted to the smart phone

This round of Pole Violators were being assholes in the spirit of phone addiction.  Look at these people and make sure you aren't like them.

It's a relatively empty train, so she's not the worst offender ever.  As you'll see, the single arm around the pole is the position of choice for these folks.

I hate this guy.  His pole violation is probably the least egregious thing he did on his short metro ride.  He got on with me at Metro Center pushing his way violently through the mass of people who were getting off.  As you can see - it's a pretty empty train in the picture.  Moments before it was packed - he plowed right through them.  He violated the pole for exactly  two stops and then pulled the ultimate bullshit move on me.  About two seconds after the doors closed at Farragut West, he pushed me and another guy out of the way and stood with is nose touching the door to get out at Foggy Bottom.  Mind you, it's still an empty train at this point.  There was zero reason to push two people out of the way to find the door before the train even left the platform of the stop before the one he was getting off on.  This guy was definitely the asshole of the week.

Running a close second for asshole of the week is this woman.  She and girl couldn't wait for people to exit the crowded train at Roslyn this morning.  The doors opened and she forced her way in followed by another rude chick.  What you can't see in this picture is the three people who were holding on to that  pole on a fairly crowded train.  This woman wrapped her arm around the pole with their hands still attached to it and didn't seem to care she was leaning on someone else's flesh and bone.  Of course, the people let go and retreated to find a new place to hold on.  One woman said "bitch" under her breath, but the violator didn't hear her because she was ear buds.  Her little ride of rudeness wouldn't have been complete if she didn't try to push her way to the door at Farragut West while the train was still moving causing one man to lose balance and fall into the guy next to him.  Oh, and did I mention that she wasn't moving for anyone when the train stopped at Foggy Bottom?  I take it back - she's the co-asshole of the week. 

Poor Guy - Stupid Shirt Companies

I was on the metro this morning when I spotted a guy in front of me leaning against a pole, blocking others from using it to hold on.  I had a "pole violator" on my hands and taking a picture of him and posting it on the internet was my duty.  Fortunately for him, I got sidetracked.

This poor guy didn't quite rid his new shirt of all the packaging before putting it on and leaving the house.  I feel for the guy - there's no better feeling than putting on new clothes and hitting the metro to show them off.  His day is going to be ruined the moment someone alerts him to the sticker on his collar.  All of a sudden he'll realize people weren't staring at him because his pecs looked awesome in his new shirt and he's going to be crushed.  It's happened to me many times over the years and it never fails to make me cry - especially since I spent the day bouncing my pecs at strangers for no reason.

I kind of have to blame the people who make and package dress shirts these days.  They've got 52 pins in them, invisible plastic pieces and stickers all over them. Even the ones on the rack have way too many things you have to hunt for and remove before actually putting the shirt on.  Why?  Is it necessary to cover shirts with all that crap?  Is there some law on the books requiring shirt manufacturers to aggravate their customers with this stuff? 

I feel bad for the guy so I'm not going to put him in a Pole Violator Line-up.  I'll do him a solid and give him his own post featuring only him and his 16 1/2 neck 33/34 shirt with stickers still attached.  (click for larger view)

Metro Pole Violators Lineup #5 - All Male Review!

Last week we featured a whole post on the rude women of the metro. This week we'll have nothing but boys to keep things fair. 

Our first perp is...

He's practicing his high school slow dance with that pole.  I regret to inform you that there was no kiss as "Lady in Red" ended.   Maybe I don't regret informing you of that...

It's a pretty packed train and Backpack Boy thinks he's Joe Cool leaning against the pole so he can play some game on his iPhone that is surely a statement of exactly how uncool he actually is.  By all means Backpack Boy - make yourself comfortable at our expense. 

I called this guy "Disco Man" initially because before he shifted into this pose, he looked like he was locked in a disco move like a funky ginger pimp from the 70s.  He's all business with his shirt buttoned up to his nose and his perfect bible school part.  Too bad he's an asshole who is doing the irritating "lean hold" that takes away not one pole from other riders, but two.  If you look in the background the woman was caught shaking her fist at him while she called him a "pole violating asshole."  I love my readers.

That's all for today, but please send your pole violator pics to bradkanus@gmail.com!

WMATA breaks into the talent management biz - likely to fail.

Click HERE to get WJLA's story on the matter.  We were on FamousDC when we saw the story originally - they find all the stuff that's fit to read.

I guess the folks over at the WMATA offices had no idea that there's already an army of shitty street performers alienating their customers at their facilities already.  Holding tryouts for the honor of annoying me while I wait for metro to get their shit together on a daily basis seems a little late and out of touch by WMATA. 

And let's be honest - the last thing we need is another asshole bothering people with their lack of talent at metro stations.  An extra metro employee to get the escalators moving in the right direction for rush hour might be a better use of their time and effort.

I personally hate the beggars with instruments (that's what I call them).  There's this jack ass eunuch at Court House who tries to pass himself off as some kind of Middle Eastern opera singer.  (It's like the stock music 60 Minutes plays anytime they cut to a Mosque during a story - that Gregorian Chant type stuff - only this guy is making the shit up as he goes and it's annoyingly loud.)  I can't tell you how many times I've wanted to kick his box of money across the station so he'll shut up.  Want to check voice messages when you get off the train?  Can't - this asshole is too damn loud.  You can hear him over you music on your iPod - it's that f*cking loud.  And there's always some stupid girl who hasn't been in DC long enough to be jaded who will give the guy money because she thinks she's having some kind of visceral city experience because she watches way too much TV.

The eunuch took the place of the crazy-eyed fat buckwheat-looking smelly guy who played at Court House for years.  It was like he didn't have eyelids.  It was freaky.  He would just strum his guitar and hum/sing random words with enough confidence that your average moron metro rider couldn't discern that he was 1. crazy  2. never had a guitar lesson in his life.  Because of the acoustics of the hallway leading to the Place of Disappointment and Inconvenience (metro platform),  his voice would carry all throughout the complex.  It was annoying to the point of inspiring physical violence (which may have been what happened to his eyelids). 

My favorite performers are the guys who come with a whole setup to run a track behind their instrument of choice.  There's one guy who frequents Metro Center whose track isn't just drums, horns and piano, it's the guitar too.  He holds a guitar and pretends to play pretty convincingly until someone puts money in his guitar case.   At that point he stops playing and picks up the cash... the guitar track keeps playing even though he no longer has his hands on the instrument.   It's worth a dollar just to watch the guy shove his scam in your stupid face and take your money. 

Needless to say - the talent pool isn't deep, but it's wide.  I can't imagine any one of these performers stopping their daily routine to go "try out" for a gig they've already got.  And if you read carefully the rules and regulations for WMATA's program - if they were chosen they wouldn't get to solicit money like they do now, which completely defeats the point of bothering people with your lack of talent at a metro station. 

Is WMATA so out of it that they think people will do for free what they are now doing for money just so they can get a little card that says they are 2 legit to quit by WMATA?  (you just did the MC Hammer hand thingy for 2 legit to quit - admit it)  I may be wrong, but there doesn't seem to be any rule against wandering around the Place of Disappointment and Inconvenience (metro platform) singing "My Girl" to sunburned tourists in exchange for money.  If there is a rule against it, I have never seen it enforced. 

No matter what the intent here is, I just don't think it's the best use of WMATA's staff's time.  There are ton of other things they could be doing.  Please feel free to list them in the comments section below!

Metro Pole Violators #4

We've got an all female lineup today.  Nothing too egregious, but every misuse is a gateway to full on abuse.  One day it's a shoulder and the next day you're holding on with nothing but your ass cheeks - it's slippery, slippery fecal tainted slope.  And that's why what I'm doing here is so damn important.

You can send us pics of your violators and we'll post them - your anonymity is assured! bradkanus@gmail.com. 

Do you really need two hands to hold a Kindle?  I don't think so.  You can tell by the nonverbal clues exhibited by the brave Serviceman to her left that he's not too impressed with her either. 

And just to clarify - Mr. Serviceman is taking advantage of one of the few spots where leaning is okay.  He's not in the way right there.  Of course, he weighs about 110 lbs.  -  so he's pretty much never in the way.

What I failed to capture here was that not only was this woman leaning against the pole, she was in the personal space of the woman sitting to her left and she didn't know her.  I knew this because the woman sitting down was looking at her like she farted.  It was a sparsely populated train and this woman not only violates the pole, she invades someone's space to do it.  What an asshole. 

And yes - there's another asshole in the picture if you look past her and he's hogging a whole bench making a woman stand (and violate the pole).  That happens from time to time, but not nearly as much the pole violating. 

Re-Post - Interns on the metro - SHUT UP!

 I hate to have to do this again, but Jesus H. Christ these kids won't shut up.  A whole gaggle of female interns got on at Foggy Bottom and their leader - the fat one - went about jabbering about nothing as if it was something and she did it in Fran Drescher's voice.

I'm sure she was their leader because the others were standing there listening intently as if the secret of the universe was about to fly out of her twinking-loving mouth.  I don't know if the leadership role is something they choose by weight or if there was some kind of pie eating contest involved, but she was surely holding court like she was the judge. 

It should be noted that she was the fattest, but the others were suffering from a serious outbreak of the cankles themselves.  I don't know how you get the cankles, but all these girls had them bad.  And let me tell you - if you've got cankles at 21, you need to forget Mr. Perfect or Mr. Right and start looking at Mr. Doesn't Hit Me With a Closed Hand or Mr. I'm Not Ready to Come out of the Closet Yet.  Life isn't going to be like Sex in the City, ladies.  It's going to be a little more like Bridesmaids, but not nearly as funny. 

Below you'll find my original post on loudmouthed slave labor using the metro system.  Re-enjoy it.

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Part of this is not your fault, interns.  Society's soft politically correct hands have let you get a little too big for your britches.  All interns should be subject to the exact speech given in the following video link before they are unleashed on the rest of us.  Please be warned that the video clip is Not Safe For Work, offensive, politically incorrect and most importantly - awesome.  Click HERE. 

I know being in the big city for your internship is pretty damn cool.  Hell, it's the first time since you started college that you are involved in an activity where pajamas are frowned upon.  Big things are happening to you. You're a rock star in your shining moment and you want to share it with the world. Do the rest of us a favor and keep it to yourself while you're on the metro - please. 

You guys probably didn't notice when you got on the train today that everyone was playing the Quiet Game.  You didn't notice because you couldn't be bothered to shut your mouth long enough to observe your surroundings and figure it out.  Something you should be doing a lot of during your internship, but won't. 

You see, nobody likes hearing you tell your intern friends your intern stories with your intern voice at an intern volume with your intern lingo created by your tiny little intern brain.  You are disrupting our ride and embarrassing yourself.  Stop it. 

Want to impress people in DC?  Shut up.  Interns like children are to be bought and sold at auction seen, not heard.  

This advice has been free - you will not receive a bill.  

Metro Pole Violators Lineup #2

Welcome to the second addition of Metro Pole Violators where we shame those who hump the pole.

Today we only have one guy and that's fine because he's a top notch asshole.  I ran into him on the platform yesterday at Metro Center where he pushed people out of the way so he could block the door for those trying to exit the train.  Mind you it was not a full train (as you can see) and there weren't many people waiting to get on the train. I see him do this twice a week at Metro Center.  He's just one of those dicks who has to be first.  

I wasn't surprised that once he got on the train he leaned against the pole so he could play some stupid video game on this phone.  This guy spent half the ride with the pole splitting his ass cheeks.  He's a Class A Shithead and this is his lifetime achievement award.

One bad thing about Capital Bikeshare - Tourists.

There are a lot of good things to say about Capital Bikeshare.  No doubt it has been a game changer for lots of us when it comes to short commutes.  Those klutzy slogs with wheels are everywhere these days.  I guess it was only a matter of time before someone found a way to use them in a manner that pissed me off.

There's always been the minorly ironic reality of the bikes having to be trucked back out to Virginia every night because nobody will ride them back home up hill.  That's just a little dent in the claim that the program is "carbon neutral."  It's obviously not carbon neutral if they have to deploy a fleet of SUVs to stock the racks in Arlington every single night.  But... that's not what is pissing me off.

I run outside at lunch every day because I'm a disgusting fatass (as you know) and I like seeing 300 pound women from Kentucky sweating it out on the mall (so hot).  You call it a "sick fetish," I call it a "hobby" and my wife wishes I'd stop telling you these things.

On my runs I tend to notice things.  I notice that an American family of three walking side by side can completely block a 12-foot sidewalk.  I notice that Asians do take a lot of pictures and tend to record videos of things that do not move (statues and buildings).  I notice there's a weird German dude who helps all the Asian vendors stationed around the South Lawn.   And I noticed that tourists have discovered Capital Bikeshare bikes and are ruining the city for everyone with their use of them.

You see, tourists can't handle the ins and outs of daily DC life at the speed of walking.  Just watch them lose their shit at each crosswalk for ten blocks in a row in downtown.  It's like they've never seen a street sign before in their life.  Put them on two wheels and speed up the pace tenfold - now we're talking bodily injury instead of simple aggravation. 

The first thing they do is they ride on the sidewalks whenever possible and never in the street in the designated bike lanes.  Wobbly tourists on clumsy bikes barreling down busy sidewalks is a recipe for disaster.  I saw a middle age mom wipe out two people trying to buy some "FBI" t-shirts on the west side of the South Lawn two weeks ago.  Everybody involved had bloody knees and elbows.  Not pretty and I think the vendor lost the sale as well. 

I know it's fun to ride a bike, but jumping on one for the first time in 20 years in a busy urban area isn't a good idea.  And it's an especially bad idea if you don't know much about where you are going and how to get there.  It's even worse if you're a f*cking idiot to begin with. 

Today a whole gaggle of tourists had rented bikes and had stopped to get hot dogs at one of the trailers on the South Lawn.  Because tourists assume they are alone in the world, they just stop wherever they are and do whatever they want to do.  Many of you trying to traverse the metro system during the summer months know exactly what I'm talking about (bottom of the escalators at metro center). 

Twenty five people or so got off their bikes and just left them in the middle of the sidewalk.  People were forced to walk in the street into oncoming traffic to get around the mess.  Not single one of the bike riders noticed the mess they caused.  Completely clueless assholes. 

That little episode set me off and I spent the rest of my run mentally documenting the stupid shit I saw tourists doing on Capital Bikeshare bikes.  Crossing against lights, not yielding to pedestrians in a crosswalk and riding through a blocked off construction zone on the mall stand out on the list.  The more I paid the attention the more I realized what a monster the bikeshare program had created out of these tourists.  I'm sure there's some asshole from Wisconsin cruising around the Portriat Gallery right this second.  It's out of control.  Our national security is not at risk, but my personal security is.  I take that back - it won't be long before some jackass rides into the rotor blades of Marine One on live TV. 

I think the folks at Capital Bikeshare need to come with a program the bars out-of-towners from renting their bikes.  This would solve the problem rather quickly. 

What are the chances of that happening?  Slim to none. 

Which is good because I always need material. 

Uber is Pro-Choice

Settle down Tebow fans, I'm not talking about Roe V. Wade here.  I'm talking Black vs. SUV. 

I'd like to say I personally inspired the change in Uber's booking options... so I am.  I told Alex at Uber months ago that there should be some way to dial up exactly what kind of car you need based on factors like number of riders, age of riders (babies) and breed of riders (dogs!).  Alex patted me on the head, told me to be patient and then handed me a shiny spoon to play with.  He knows how to keep me occupied. 

It is likely that I was not the only one who uses Uber that found themselves in a pickle on a Friday night with too many guests and not enough car to haul them to the next bar.  Piling five people into a Town Car is not only against the rules, it defeats the purpose of Uber - riding in style at a price slightly higher than that of convenience.   You are not a pimp if you roll up to the club and the ol' clown car act ensues.  Unless you're clown pimp, and that's how your peeps roll.

Because Uber seem to be one of those progressive companies that follows a corporate philosophy of bending over backward for customers (even mouthy, needy ones like me), they worked to find a solution to the problem quickly.  If you've pulled up your Uber app lately you'll see that there's an option to pick  "black" or "suv" - problem solved. 

If you request an SUV it's more expensive.  It makes sense given that you pay more per person in a taxi and if you had to order two Uber cars it would be doubly expensive.  This is cheaper than ordering two cars and when is the last time you got a taxi on demand that can fit six people?

The big question - do you get an SUV for four or do you crowd the Town Car?  I don't like sitting in the front seat - even in a taxi.  It's weird.  Plus it kind of defeats my main purpose for using Uber - comfort and style. 

Although, some of you like Uber simply because you can dial up a reliable car when you need one and you couldn't care less about what it does for your image (you are a superior human being to me).  In that case, you don't really care about riding four to a car. 

I guess the question of "do you, or don't you with four?" will be the next big dilemma of our generation.  How will you answer it?

Metro Pole Violators Lineup #1

I've talked about how to properly use the vertical poles provided for you safety on the metro HERE.  What I haven't made clear is my how much dislike it when people rape the poll with their body making it impossible for others to use it for their safety.  This recurring post was going to be called "pole rapers," buy my lawyer buddy thought it might be too much.  That's how much I dislike these selfish bastards. 

Bravely I have mentioned something to the worst offenders in the past.  Unfortunately, most of the four foot six Asian women on the metro don't speak enough English to understand my complaint about their behavior.  I'm losing the war because I can't win any of the battles. 

So... I'm going to shame people into using metro poles correctly.  Click on the pictures to pop a bigger a window.

This particular asshole had a lot of things working against him besides leaning on the pole and requiring the person next to him to uncomfortably hold on without touching him.  Check out the douche bag sunglasses... they went well with his two Harvard embroidered bags you can't see.  When the train stopped and a woman to his right got up to leave, he muscled his way into the seat past the woman holding onto the poll and the old lady standing next to her.  He literally acted like it was game of musical chairs and shoved his ass down into the seat before either the old lady or young woman could react.  

We've got to two offenders here on a crowded train.  The guy in the suit looks like he's walking arm and arm with his sweat heart on the streets of Paris.  The worst part is that his molesting of the pole does not gain him any advantage against a quickly starting or stopping train - he's just armpit f*cking the poor thing for no good reason.

Offender number two is wearing a "Live Strong" bracelet about 15 years after it was cool, so we're not surprised that he's got his ass and armpit attached to the pole.  He's also holding onto a horizontal overhead pole taking up as much room as he possibly can.   Between this guy and the other there's a huge hole in the middle of the crowded train where no one can stand because nobody can hold on.  Thanks assholes.

I'm pretty sure this pole has runners on second and third base.  When you live with three cats in an English basement in Falls Church you take your hugs where you can get them... I guess.  Not a crowded train, but still a wholly inappropriate grip on the pole.

Send your photos of pole violators to bradkanus@gmail.com  - your anominity is assured.

Rush Plus - slower, but better in a way

What are we two weeks into Rush Plus?  Some of the degenerates I know that live in Alexandria are raving about the changes because they can get a Yellow Line train way out in North Carolina where they live.  Orange Line people don't seem to notice anything at all.  I'm not one of those orange line people. 

One thing has changed on the Orange Line - less trains less frequently.  Click on the photos below taken this week and last.

About three or four minutes between trains on the little sign on the left.  At 8:00 a.m. in the past the sign would have on train"ARR" and then trains at two minutes and three minutes after that.  They were literally running one to two minutes apart and at least one of those trains would be packed to the gills while the other two would be a quarter full. 

It seems now that trains come less frequently, but the loads are more evenly distributed.  I have been on an empty train in two weeks, but I also haven't been on a packed one either.  I'm not getting to work any faster or slower, I'm just not having to let one really crowded train pass in order to catch one I can fit on.  I also haven't been a victim of a door problem going to work in the past two weeks.  Coming from work is another story - tourists are out and about at the time.

I'm not sure how I feel overall about the whole situation... I'm indifferent, I guess.

People We Love - Metro Mom of the Year

Came up the stairs at Metro Center and saw this woman with her son attached to her roller duffel.  I wanted to hug her. 

I don't really need to explain to you guys the #1 annoyance on the metro - luggage.  And I don't need to explain the #2 annoyance on the metro - children.  To have this woman handling annoyances #1 and #2 like a pro - awesome beyond comprehension. 

She appeared to be married, so it seems the perfect woman is already off the market.

 

Do you get the impression that when he was smaller she might have stowed him inside the bag for short trips?  Nah, only I would do that.

Note on quality.... iPhone 4 (no "S") so camera/video sucks.  Had to take vertical video because I was pretending to be reading email while shooting.  I don't want to get caught and end up explaining to the Metro Police that I have a blog and that's why I'm filming strangers riding the metro.  They don't seem likely to care about my blog excuse.