Brad Kanus

This Week on Craigslist #7

 It's been a while - here's a half-assed list of the funny stuff.  Once again, the crazies are in the personals. 

Missed Connections

Chick-fil-A Intern at State Dept - m4w - 34 - (Ballston Mall) - Either you're  a terrible writer or thats the coolest internship I have ever heard of.

At Northside Social - m4w - 26 - (Ballston) - Northside Social isn't in Ballston, asshole.

Diagonal/King St Beautiful Dress, and I told you so- Suntrust bank! - m4w - 52 - (Alexandria) - You're 52 and trolling Craigslist - I'm sure she started digging for her mace the moment you started talking to her.

blonde Russian girl on red-line - m4w - (red-line) - Can't decide if this intentionally funny or just a coincidence that none of you get. 

I was drooling over you at BGR Wednesday - w4m - (RIO) - Hence the reason he didn't talk to you.

Blonde w/Freckles, In Shorts - m4w - (Alexandria) - Women love it when you point out their freckles!  Were there not any moles or zits to bring to her attention in this post as well?

 Around 5'1ish, brownish hair, big chested, girl next door face - m4w - (orange line) - "big chested" is still taken as "huge tits" when read by women - FYI. 

The cop who took my hand - w4m - (Georgetown) - That's not nice. I hope he gives it back.

Women Seeking Men

SWF sub - 26 - (Fairfax) - Not my kind of sandwich. 

 strap on curiosity? - 29 - (woodley) - No. 

in search of some body to hang out with - 26 - (Mt Rainier) - Funny how one little space between words can turn you into a necrophiliac.

Seeking fellow space nerd to attend the John Glenn Lecture with me - (Air & Space Museum) - Forgot to mention the post lecture party in his mom's basement.

Need a Date for George Thorogood or Joe Walsh - 50 - (Northern VA) - You'd think those guys could afford match.com.

Men Seeking Women

✤ Any Trail Runners? ✤ - 40 - (Great Falls) - It's easier to hide your body if we're already in the woods. 

I'm sexy and I know it.... - (nova) - And that's likely your biggest issue.

Lunch and possible makeout session? - 34 - (Arlington/Rosslyn) - Let's stuff our faces and then lick each other's mouths clean!  Irresistible, I'm sure. 

Just your average guy - 43 - (silver spring/Aspen Hill) - How can a woman resist that pitch? Not in sales, are you?

WANTED: Kissing teacher - 29 - (Arlington, VA) - WANTED: Rapist claiming he needs kissing lessons.

Beach walking which I do best... - 25 - (arlington) - Holy shit - Yoda has an ad.

Fireplace Massage - m4w - 38 - (Arlington, Fairfax, DC, Alexandria) - Keep your hands off my fireplace, creep.

I'm looking for a woman who believes people can change - 45 - (College Park, MD.) - It's all in the way you accent the word "felon" that makes it easier to accept.

 Free Massage - m4w - 36 - (Ashburn) - The ensuing rape is going to cost you, though.

Great Craigslist Ad - Clever Devil

In the big city you use Craigslist for everything from prostitution to prostitution  furniture.  People are strange and they post some crazy stuff.  Luckily people send me that stuff. 

Today I got an email from a person who clicked on the "volunteers" link hoping to see if there were charities looking for Marine Corp. Marathon runners.  The first listing read:

sex addicts can talk about there problem - (vienna)

Besides the obvious use of the wrong "their" it seems innocent enough.  Okay, not at all.  If you click on the post it reads:

"for the weman who are addicted to sex we can talk about it"

So much for the formalities associated with an actual support group... This guy lets it be known that he'll talk to you about your problem - if you're a "weman." 

I suppose he's just being nice and just wants to talk. He's got no hidden agenda at all.  He's not a bar tender leading an AA meeting at all - just a guy looking to help some "weman" who are addicted to sex. 

I'm laughing my ass off at this, but I'm sure you don't see it as being as funny as I do.  I've always had this question about sex addict support groups in real life.  What possible worse therapy format could someone come up with?  Well, other than having heroin addicts meet in a poppy field.  You've got ten horned up people who are like minded and they sit around talking about how horny they are... I just don't see how  they don't all leave and go have sex with each other given their propensity to do such things with complete strangers who share their sex drive and willingness to take risks... boggles my mind.  This ad is a caricature of what I imagine the whole thing is like.

Never mind, go back to work - I'm just weird.

This Week on Craigslist #6

It's been a while since we did one of these, so here's a quick one!

Missed Connections

TGI Fridays - m4m - (Tech Road) - Meet at Friday's... breakup at Applebee's... move to new trailer park...  rinse and repeat.

Handsome buck in suit/tie cowboy boots - m4m - 52 - (Chevy Chase DC) - ah shit, Bush is back in town.

Starwars Girl - m4w - (Dupont) - Oh God no.  

Work attraction - m4w - 39 - (Penn Quarter) - Don't lie, nobody is attracted to work. 

Beautiful Girl Old Town Giant - m4w - (Old town Alexandria ) - So you want to take a shot at the Giant woman from Old Town?  Hope you packed a lunch. 

I'm your neighbor - m4w - Not for long. 

Reading a Ron Paul book on the Yellow Line - w4m - 23 - (Yellow Line, Alexandria) - Pretty sure this ends when you guys decide to talk politics... or when he makes you stay up all night voting repeatedly in internet polls. 

Women Seeking Men

Nothing Ventured - Nothing Gained - 40 - (Columbia Heights) - You can't get herpes with your pants on, so let's roll the dice baby. 

 Waiting on You- (Germantown) - No, pretty sure guys are always waiting on girls.

I want to have a baby with a latino guy - (DMV) - Pretty sure this can be arranged... kind of a common occurence these days.

raw foodist/vegan/vegetarian - 29 - (MD) - Oh the many ways one can declare that they're an uptight bitch.

Sassy and Single .. - 37 - (PWC) - It's likely one of those is causing the other. 

hot day leads to ......cold showers - 33 - (va) - Is this some kind of pitch to have a guy pay your utility bills?

SBF - Looking for unique/interesting - 27 - (NoVA) - What if I'm just unique, but not interesting? 

value add - 27 - (Ballston) - Is this an appeal to a Smartrip machine?

Yoga and Love - 38 - (Arlington) - Why not solitaire and love?  If you're into activities that don't require a partner, don't limit yourself. 

looking for that special man - 21 - (somd) - By "special" do you mean a guy who needs supervision during the day?

Must Love Dogs - 54 - (Gaithersburg) - You need to work on your self-esteem.

Good looking men for lunch today? - (Nova) - Pretty sure cannibalism is illegal.

Fun girl looking for fun guy - 21 - (Alexandria) - And maybe we'll grow on each other like a fun-gus.

Men Seeking Women

Asian guy looking for a date - 38 - (Rockville ) - I wouldn't lead with the Asian thing.

I'm pretty awesome, are you? - 27 - (Fort Meade) - By craigslist standards anyone is "awesome."

What do I have to lose - 31 - (NoVa) - I'm willing to bet 15 -20 pounds.

Sexy and know the difference between literally and figuratively? - Scrabble expert - sexual novice.

One word frees us of all the weight and pain of life; That word is Lov - 32 - (D. M. V.) - that word is a letter short, asshole. 

Lunch and possible makeout session? - 34 - (Arlington/Rosslyn) - Why brush your own teeth when you can use a stranger's tongue?

 

This Week on Craigslist #5

Missed Connections

Red top, khaki skirt, gorgeous bare legs - m4w - 40 - (Blue Line/Farragut West) - Would they be less "gorgeous" if they were covered in sasquatch length hair?  Dick. 

Employee at the Blockbuster that is closing down... - w4m - 23 - (Cheshire Station) - Somebody tell this lady that he's about to be unemployed and when he was employed he worked at Bockbuster - he's a loser.  He might even be the highest ranking loser in Cheshire Station for all we know.  Somewhere there's a lonely line cook at Applebee's looking for a special lady - give him a shot.

 Environmental lawyer looking for a Portuguese class - m4w - (Wholefoods) - OMG! You met an environtmental lawyer who wants to pick up a language nobody speaks as a hobby and it took place at a Whole Foods?  Congratulations! You met the world's biggest asshole!

Meeting to talk about your friend - m4m - 27 - (Good Bean Wilson Blvd) - I'm not brilliant, but I  can guess using your six words as the title of this ad that someone is going to be invited to an "intervention" soon.  

pizza girl with sassy blue hair - m4w - (20175) - No straight man says the word "sassy" much less writes in a post without quotation marks around it, so don't worry about her not getting back to you - it will help avoid a very awkward conversation about your late night trips to rest stops in a few years. 

Missing my sexual twin - w4m - 32 - (anywhere) - Gross.

You: White Benz 300 4Matic- Me: Black Bentley GT w "TRSTFND" plate! - m4w - 33 - (Wisconsin Ave/ Chevy Chase) - It's an asshole convention - attendees = 2. 

Awesome server at Cracker Barrel - m4w - (Dumfries) - Impossible.

Beautiful woman in wheelchair - m4w - 21 - (Foggy Bottom/NWDC) - By all means - mention the wheelchair, they love that shit. 

 

Women Seeking Men

I'm a good girl looking for a good guy - 30 - (Arlington) - Well, that's another way of saying "nobody is getting laid."

Dating with Herpes - 44 - (Fairfax, VA) - Does Herpes have to come, or can it just be us?

Don't be an asshole - 27 - (NOVA) - Impossible.

fat people need love to lets chat - 43 - (dmv) - You are mistaken, fat people need exercise.

Just a simple girl searching for a knight. - 26 - (Here.) - I'm into swords.  Does that count?

Do all men want a super model? - 39 - (Arlington) - We're negotiable on the "super" part, but not the second part. 

 

Men Seeking Women

One word frees us of all the weight and pain of life; That word is Lov - 32 - (D. M. V.)- That word is misspelled.  Way to go, jackass.

I AM SINGLE AND UNATTACHED/ LOOKING FOR A CUDDLE PARTNER - 44 - (SPRINGFIELD) - Why are you yelling?  You don't sound like a "cuddler," you sound like a puncher.

Friends with Benefits-Thick and Curvy OK Too - 35 - (Great Falls) - Read: I'll bang anything, even fat girls.

Not all guys want a swimsuit model - 26 - (703) - Some like runway models as well.

Date Night - 34 - (Mont. Co.) - A really shitty movie.

Successful Guy Who Still Likes to Get High Seeks the Same - 27 - (Arlington) - You're looking for a succesful guy who smokes pot?  Wrong category.

Are they ALL fat? - (Nova) - Yes and they need exercise too.

One word frees us of all the weight and pain of life; That word is Lov - 32 - (D.M.V.) - That word is misspelled... again.

Looking for a woman who believes people can change - 45 - (College Park, MD.) - Are you ready for a story about felonies? 

This Week on Craigslist #4

It's been a while, so here are a bunch!  All from the "personals" section this week.

Missed Connections

i met u at whole foods u were the costumer and i was the employee - m4w - 24 - (foggy bottom dc ) - I sense a problem with communication in your future.

Cute brunette that waved hi to me at Rock It Grill - m4w - 32 - (Rock It Grill on King Street) - This is a pretty long way to go to figure out she was waving at someone standing behind you. 

subway eye exchange - m4m - 27 - (16th & U) - I get that having a glass eye is cool and all, but you sick freaks don't need to be trading them like baseball cards.

Pret a': Envoyer A' La Passe (parallele creation / quantum physique) - m4w - 69 - (Algonquian) - You sound like a pretentious dick.  Can't wait to meet you.

where are you kara met u in white van on bike we went riding - m4w - 29 - (near old town gaithersburg) - Seriously - where are you Kara?  Some dude in a white van pulled up and then you were gone.  My God this is the creepiest place on earth (craigslist).

Indian girl - m4w - 28 - (Clarendon) - Dot, feather or fan of the team from Cleveland? I need specifics.

I think you made my day - m4w - 36 - (Dc/md) - Get back to me when you know for sure.

long shot- white truck, great hair - w4m - 29 - (66 East Bound 3/2012) - Governor Perry?

Beautiful woman with a limp - m4w - (Yellow line to Huntington) - I'm 100 percent she's glad you noticed her limp.  I bet they call you "Mr. Smooth."

Women Seeking Men

Single, Dog Lover? - 37 - (NOVA) - One begets the other, right? 

princess seeks dadddyy - 20 - (cap heights ) - So you're looking for your father - the King. 

Can you walk the walk? - 39 - (Arlington) - It's kind of a dick move to eliminate guys in wheelchairs right off of the bat like that.

Someone to get drunk with - 45 - (dc) - You sound stable...

Europe looking for Egyptian male - 37 - (nova) - I too have a strict one continent, one Egyptian male policy when entering a relationship.

Any cute latinos here? - 28 - (NOVA) - I doubt it.

What's At the End Of Your Rainbow - (MD) - An angry midget with a pot of gold coins filled with chocolate.  What's it to you?

Dangerous curves ahead... and behind - (NoVa) - You're a clever devil!  Too bad we're looking for stupid with low self-esteem. 

friendship may be more..... Will see - 34 - (dc/va) - Haven't even met you and you can't make up your mind - strike one. 

Are you out there - 45 - (Nova) - People at work often describe me as "out there."

I am waiting for tulips You? - 60 - (College Park) - Probably not in the same way you are.

Men Seeking Women

Spontaneous Friday makeout session - 34 - (Arlington/NoVa) - It's not spontaneous if you're planning it out over craigslist, asshole.

its a nice day out! lets get you in a bikini! - 30 - (Shaw) - Yeah, that's not going to work.

Not Vanilla inside... - 52 - (DC ) - I don't even want to know what this guy means.

Any black girls like white guys? - 26 - (703) - Nope. 

do you like ANAL? - 39 - (Vienna) - Many people are okay with "Type A" personalities, why do you ask?

Are you at work? - (NoVA) - Yes, now leave me alone. 

girlfriend/wife material - 56 - (Silver Spring/Olney/Columbia) - Those are two completely different things. 

 

This Week on Craigslist #3

Not much this week - People just aren't as crazy as usual...

Apts/Housing

$969 / 1br - BRAND NEW RENOVATED APARTMENT - (HYATTSVILLE, MD) - I hate to break it to you, but it can't be "brand new" and "renovated" at the same time. 

Cool Rentals in Manassas - Bullshit.

$2695 ABSOLUTELY STUNNING BRIARWOOD RAMBLER WITH RARE 2 CAR GARAGE~ - (fairfax ) - Stunning and rare?  It's like the Haley's Comet of rentals!

$5000 / 4br - 3000ft² - RENOVATED WHEELCHAIR - (NORTHEAST DC) - That is a giant wheelchair. 

$1260 / 2br - 817ft² - Two Bed Room Down By the River - (Woodbridge) - I'll stick with my van down by the river. 

$1162 / 1br - Ditch Your Roommate & Get Your Own Cozy 1BR w/Updated Kitchen & Bath! - (Falls Church/Lake Barcroft) - Screw someone over and come live with us!  We're good people, we swear!

 

Missed Connections

Pretty girl working at Dunkin Donuts - m4w - (Bethesda) - Impossible.

Metro worker! - m4m - 29 - (Dupont Station 19th exit.) - There's two words you don't ever seen next to each other.

Latino guy at Home Depot - m4m - (Fairfax) - At Home Depot? What are the odds?

 

Women Seeking Men

will i ever meet him?? - 35 - (nova) - No.

Any nice guys out there? - 22 - (DC Metro) - No

Take Me Out To Dinner? - 32 - (Northern,Va) - No

Are you looking for a relationship? - 38- (MoCo) - No.

 Are You The One?? - 43 - (MD) - NO! What's with all the damn questions, ladies?

where are all the men? - 21 - (Edgewood) - Hiding from all of these questions.

where are all the interesting dudes? - 27 - (Mt Rainier) - seriously?

Single? Sane? Single? Where? - 36 - (NoVa) - four questions in one post...

 Men Seeking Women

MASSAGE FOR LADIES-AN AMAZING, CARESSING TOUCH JUST FOR YOU! - 28 - (Bethesda) - Only if you promise not to tell anyone where you bury my body!

Searching for Asian girl for dating, video games, smoking green - 28 - (Manassas) - Who could resist  you? You sound like you're in shape, employed and motivated!

Its 2012 lets "swirl" - 38 - (gaithersburg) - Let's not.

If you don't take chances, you don't have adventures - Or end up missing. 

Happy Hour Everyday - 42 - (Arlington) - Alcoholism is an interesting way to lure the babes in, I must say. 

AM Face Sitting - 30 - (East Capitol) - Who can resist that?

Are you feeling adventourous? Need some extra cash? - 30 - (Sugarrrr Dadddyy Scennarrrio) - More to the point - Are you a whore?

Attractive, older man seeking younger woman to date - m4w - 48 - (va) - Aren't we all?

Looking for a lady in public, and a TSA screener in the bedroom ;) - 24 - (Leesburg) - You're probably the only one. 

Your wildest dreams - 64 - (Springfield) - Don't inlcude a 64 year-old dude from craigslist...

This Week on Craigslist #2

It was a slow week - this is all I have... seems we're running low on crazy here in DC.

Missed Connections

I saw my DREAM girl at church - m4w - (nova) - Her name is "Mary" and she doesn't put out.

I Hear We Play 4 Da Same Team - w4w - 21 - (Dumfries Walmart) - Wal-Mart Lesbians from Dumfries - the worst selling porn title ever.   

I just flew here from the Florida Keys - m4w - 32 - (Vienna Virginia) - Your arms must be tired.

You had a sweater on but I could tell you had huge boobs - m4w - 33 - (Tysons Corner mall) - How is a smooth talking son-of-a-bitch like you still single at 33? 

Women Seeking Men

I cry in my sleep - 26 - (NOVA) - That's a third date conversation - I wouldn't generally lead with that kind of information.

chubby chasers? - (VA) - It's not much of a chase if you're fat and run like a girl.  Just sayin.

Fun??? - 28 - (DC Area) - Easy???  Then yes, I'm fun. 

Let's hang - 22 - (Greenbelt) What are you, nuts?

When I close my eyes... - 35 - (Nova) - I'm gonna put something in your drink.

Tickle my synapses - 30 - (nova) - Well, that's an interesting way to tell the world you're a cat owner. 

gordita - 34 - (Lakeridge) - Who knew Taco Bell menu items got lonely?

Are you a politician? love asian girls? - 21 - Do you do commercials?  How's your English? I know a guy in Michigan looking.

Men Seeking Women

Relaxing Body Rub Today - 37 - (Reston) - From stranger in Reston?  Only if you live near some secluded woods and have a place to hide my car where no one will ever find it. 

struggling student who needs to be spoil - 42 - (DMV) - Are you struggling financially? Or, struggling to learn how to conjugate verbs?  Or, simply struggling to finish school?  

I am a sex teacher... first lesson is free - 38 - (NOVA) - Something tells me "free" would still be a ripoff for these lessons.

 

This Week on Craigslist

Once a week we take a look at our favorite craigslist ads because it's the best free entertainment on the web. Feel free to send whatever you find to bradkanus@gmail.com.

Missed Connections 

I miss snugling with you - m4w - 25 - (Manassas) - Your man card has been revoked. 

Monster Truck Show Sunday - m4w - (Franconia Springfield Metro) - This may be the beginning of something.... with not a lot of teeth involved. 

Girl in line at Chipotle - m4w - (Herndon, VA) - Seems like she'd be hard to miss if she's eating Chipolte and from Herndon... you might check the bathroom, it's a stop on the natural progression of the indigestion process associated with Chipolte's cuisine. 

metro crush - m4w - (pentagon) - Yes it does.

Why would you? - m4m - 22 - (23rd Street) - Because I could.

BBQ and you - m4w - Two things that are best when they are had in Texas.

Red pullover at nine - m4m - 28 - (Nine) - Nope, it's a fleece at eight.

Dear B - w4m - 23 - (Alexandria) - The Letter A says "hello."

For Sale

RC AIRPLANE for sale. AWESOME!!- $200 (Rockville, MD) - "AWESOME" in all CAPS? F*ck it, please consider my full price offer if it's that great.

Best Xmas Gift EVER! VW beetle car - $20(Rockville, MD) - EVER? I'd hate to see what you think is the worst "Xmas" gift EVER is if you think $20 buys the best one and it's a VW beetle.

2011 Ford Fusion --- TOE TO TOE WITH ACCORD AND CAMRY - $16892 (Marlow Heights) - This car fights other cars = AWESOME. 

2011 Ford Mustang ------> WARNING: THIS IS A COP MAGNET.... - $21922(Tysons Corner) - Exactly what I was looking for - a car and speeding tickets. 

>>2008 Pontiac G6 GT - Silver *********** METRO ACCESIBLE ************ - $9995 (Arlington) - Now that's one hell of an option. 

For Rent

$2665 / 1br - 1088ft² - AMAZING 1 Bedroom With Den near Washington, DC! - (Arlington) - I don't feel like walking that far just to sit in the den. 

$830 / 2br - Senior Living - Charming and spacious 2Bdrms w/ a lot of amenities - (Walkersville) - amenities = ambulance parking.

$869 / 1br - ROOM TO GROW - (DC) - Really? Grow what?  Or am I expected to grow taller even though I'm in my 30s? Clarification needed.

$1500 / 1br - Cabin - (Lucketts, Leesburg) - Live like Lincoln and Kacynski did.  Although Kacynski was much closer to civilization than Leesburg is.

Men Seeking Women

Discreet. Attentive. Ongoing. Uncomplicated - 27 - (DC) - Likes adjectives and thinks they deserve periods instead of commas.  Good with words, bad with punctuation. Riveting.  Potential. Serial Killer.

Smart Apple Bottom Girl? - 33 - (Washington, DC) - How is that a question?  Are those attributes usually mutually exclusive? 

Looking for a girl with pretty feet! - (Montgomery county) - Hope you don't mind that he calls his roommate "mom."

Click Here.... - 35 - (Arlington) - NO.

TALL TAN AND HARD - 37 - (FALLS CHURCH) - What is a stucco building, Alex?

lookn 4 a small female that wants a relationship - 34 - (dc) - Please be able to fit in my pocket. 

Good looking, successful SWM seeking a 1950's gal to play house with. - 36 - (DC area) - Get me a Delorian that does 88 MPH and some lightning STAT. 

Women Seeking Men

I want to get married and have kids sometime soon. Do you? - 34 - (DC) - Are you trying to find a guy or scare the shit out of them?

SBW with Herpes looking for SBM with same - (MD/VA) - Thanks for sharing. 

Can you give me my smile back? - 45 - (va) - Nope.  Next question. 

Lady looks for a man - 51 - (Nova) - For those into dating in the third person.

Funny, cute and chubby with a silly spark - 37 - (Alexandria, VA) - I thought Chris Farley was dead.

I am a hopeless romantic! - 23 - (DC) - more emphasis needed on "hopeless."